"Another List"

We like this idea of lists! We were up until 5AM, reading our blog. We cried, we marveled at the Poems, we embraced all of the new friends we have made and began to see a pattern in our posts. NEGATIVITY! So today, we are going to post a list of accomplishments in our lives that help us feel better about our life. These are in no particular order, as we have no particular order....*smile....

First Chair Clarinet in High School Concert Band and in County Band - 7th grade
(actually First Chair H.S. and County Band grades 7-12)
First Clarinet Solo - 7th grade (our school was small and high school is 7-12)
Clarinet - High School - Jazz Band
Majorette - High School
High Honor Roll - 7th-9th grades
Honor Roll - 7th - 12th grades
Piano recital - Solo - 4th grade
Published Poet - 5 years ago
Highest Award given for Quality Assurance Computer Test Analyst - Major Airline
Volunteer - Special Olympics - for 10 years
Helped raise 2 beautiful girls
First Response Team - Major Airline - worked 3 plane crashes (brutal!)
Christmas Queen - 10th grade (got to ride in open convertible...sitting on top of back seat...was very cold....)

ummm...having difficult time with memory.....and all of these appear that we are bragging...but not...

maybe we think of more later...don't know.....

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"A Fearful Haunting?"

Trigger Alert!!!!!!

Last night, I got into bed, lay down, got comfy and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I was consumed with fear, massive fear. I don't even know that I can explain what happened next...but I need to try.

My body went rigid, and I felt someone was in the room, approaching me. I don't remember ever being so terrified, so completely vulnerable! The only way I can describe what happened next is by saying I felt I was being molested, raped, hurt. I don't mean in the 'literal' sense of these words. I remember wanting to scream, but I could not. I could not move! This feeling lasted for only a few minutes, but it was so terrifying! When at last, this feeling went away, I sat straight up in my bed and I was shaking. I had to get out of my bedroom. As soon as I felt I could stand, I went to the living room. I sat on the couch, still feeling afraid and shaken. I tried sorting out what had happened, but it became fuzzy, out of my reach, I started questioning myself if it had really happened. I read for awhile, then hesitantly returned to my bed. I lay there for a long time, tense, afraid it may happen again. Sometime, there after, I fell asleep. Upon awakening this morning, I immediately remembered what had happened the night before. But I felt nothing, no fear....just nothing.

The remainder of the day, I was fine, except for the same nagging painful headache, which has become an every day cross to bare. So what happened to me? Was this a physical memory of the incest? Or being raped by my first husband? I have no idea, no explanation and this has never happened to me before....possibly an alter has experienced it, perhaps it was an alter that suffered horribly last night...I just don't know. The fact that I did not feel emotionally attached to the incident this morning, makes me think it happened to an alter.

Sueann~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Things People Say"

I got this idea, for this post, from a Blogger Friend, who is also a Multiple. The following is a list of 'what is meant' to be helpful and supportive words by friends and relatives, aware of my diagnosis, and the feelings, these words, cause within me.



"Your life is what you make it"
my life is in turmoil because I made it this way? = Blame

"You are the only one that can change your life"
give me the set of instructions and I will do just that = Blame and Helplessness

"Don't talk about your Mother that way to me"
did I make this stuff up? = Not being believed

"All of 'that' is in the past...just get on with your life
'all of that' IS my life = Worthless and confused

"You were the oldest, you should have told someone"
17 months older and was threatened with death = Blame, Shame and Loss

"I have known you for years, I never saw any other personalities"
did you ever really look, or care = Non-Validation and a Freak

"Give your life over to God, and you will be healed"
why didn't God stop the incest and violence = Fear and hopeless

"Everyone has different personalities, they use at different times"
they do? do yours lose time, whisper to you, hide things from you = Minimized

"Kids today, need their asses slapped"
yeah...let's just beat them until they bleed = Disbelief and sorrow

"Your Dad was hit in the head, he changed after that, became mentally ill"
no..he was a Pedophile, and a rapist and a bastard = Anger and Rage

"Your Mother did not have a very good life, you know"
so it's okay that she made mine a living hell = Unworthy of love

"You feel sick because you are a rotten, bad girl"
it's called 'acting out' and a clear sign of abuse = Ignored and Neglected

"Wetting the bed at your age is just stupid and disgusting"
see me, look at me, ask me...what is wrong = Frustration

"I called you last week, but you seemed uninterested"
you did? don't remember the call = Embarrassed and Blame

"It was a Kidney Infection, that is why you were raw and could not pee"
so I get catheterized at age 5, after being incested = Pain and deserving of pain

"Your Sister treats everyone like that, it's just not you"
and that's okay? I have no reason to feel hurt? = Abandonment

"Do you talk about me in therapy? (Mother)
oh no, never...why do you think I'm in therapy = Angry and Boundary issues

"You need to get out of that house and go places"
and "switch" in public, people staring and judging me = Depressed

"If this Dr. is not helping you, find another one"
he is helping me! you just don't or won't try to understand = Anger

"Don't cry, that doesn't solve anything"
crying is a release of the pain and I need to cry = Dismissed feelings

"You need to exercise more, it will give you back your energy"
if I could move, if I had any motivation, if I was not so afraid = Judged

"Why can't you sleep, something bothering you"
pounding headaches, stomach pain, my unhappiness = Whiny, complaining

"Forgiveness for those who hurt you, that is what you need to do"
yeah, well screw you, I'm not ready to forgive = RAGE

Peace
Susannah~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Intense Day"

<---------- Rainbow spoke at "T" today....while MElinda - grades 1-6 drew pictures, with colored pencils and a sketch pad..oh and box of 64 crayons.....gifts from Doc, to help us get better. Doc, so nice man...friend to "us". lots of crying....whole bunch....but kept drawing, drawing.
then got sick and bad pain in tummy.....hurt really bad.......feeling scared too......talked about brother who die and about sister won't like us.....have bad head hurt now.....draw number 8 for doc....not good....very tired.....said would like to be in V. L.'s arms....she so nice to us......no one to hold us.....feel lost

"Hold Us"

No one to hold us
no one to care

Smack us and beat us
and pull out our hair

Hurting and hurting
and no one to tell

Sadness and sorrow
we just want to yell

See us, believe us
don't turn away

This can not be our life
no, nothing okay

Why did you born us
if hate us so much

Not a kind word
and nary a touch

The monster is coming
to kill us we think

Cut off our heads
and drop in the sink

Shut up you bitches
we hear them say

Run off to the chambers
must get away

We hold each other
some comfort we find

Our memories we bury
and leave them behind

Broken and splintered
we try to sleep

Silence is golden
secrets we keep

rainbow~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Mixed Emotions"

Still no sleep...been up for two days. Too much noise, can't think. Anger, then crying, then scared, then numb....just too much....head pounding, trouble breathing......

Best friend from Texas called tonight. Weird, because thinking of her today...then get phone call. She received the card for her graduation, Bach in Nursing...now going on for Masters Degree. So proud of her....very. Asked how everything was...and she said...well other than what I have told about my Mother...OK. Huh? What about? She said called you last week, told you how sick Mother is. Don't remember, and...she said...I figured, because you were not following anything that night. She knows about others. Had a good long talk and even laughed...was fun. At the end...she said...It has been so nice talking to "you" again. See that's the thing.....we don't even know....so scattered....everything in this life is scrambled...like eggs are....all sloshed together....no beginning....no end.....
"T" tomorrow..... no! dont want to gooooooooooooo must go...need help.

one good today......PENS won... :))).....

Hope we get to "T" tomorrow....need to see Doc. so very disoriented.... The Woman will get all of us there......hopefully.......

Mr. Steve E. you DO get us....and we thank you and love yu.....and got to go now....raining....so nice...love rain....

"Rain"

Push it all out,
let go of the pain.
The reality is
our walks in the rain.
Free of the dirt,
Inflictions of pain,
The reality is
our walks in the rain.
Escape from the fear
of going insane,
The reality is
our walks in the rain.

"Rainbow"~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"My Memorial Day Thoughts"

I know someone else already posted here, to honor our Troops, now serving, those that have served and those who gave the ultimate sacrifice to protect our Nation's freedom. But I wanted to also say something about Memorial Day, as well.

I am Pro Peace. That does not mean I do not appreciate everything our Soldiers do for us, they are all Heroes to me. I want all of them home, safe, united with their families. War sickens me! The loss of so very many lives! The unbearable pain it brings to their loved ones they leave behind. I ..... can't finish...too much voices

Susannah~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"So Much Pain"

feel nothing but pain...headaches, tummy hurt.....but feel nothing inside....the chambers are quiet....feel like somethin going to happen....forgetting how to spell some words and the number 8...why cant we write the number 8....our hand shakes, our fingers jump all over....when we write number 8......maybe we write poem now about number 8....yeah good thing to do.....

"Number Eight"

lost, lonely soul, little girl
of eight...

no longer innocent,
spirit and imagination gone.

sad, joyless, little girl
of eight....

feelings of shame,
for what had been done.

so tired of life, little girl
of eight....

wanting death,
to just to end the pain.

come with us, little girl
of eight....

wanting to follow,
the voices within.

stay with "us", little girl
of eight....

listening to the whispers
that come in the night.

you belong with "us", little girl
of eight....

feelings of comfort
disappearing forever within.

~eight~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".