The depression, I have been trying so hard to keep at bay, has completely wrapped it's debilitating arms around me.
I finally allowed myself to cry, after my Brother and his family left this morning. Everything is just so over-whelming. Planning a new life is difficult. At times, I fall back, and wonder am I doing the right thing by leaving him? It would be so easy just to stay and live as we are. My list of things that must be done, grows with each passing day. I don't know if I have the strength. I don't know if I can hurt someone this badly. He is so down and crying all the time. He is determined that we can work this out and stay together. He does not hear me when I tell him I do not love him! He does not hear me when I say I am leaving you, that our marriage is over! I feel guilt for causing another being to feel such pain. All my life, I have been hurt by others. All my life I have endured that pain. This does not feel "right", my causing the pain to another.
I can not sleep. I am afraid to sleep....though he has not become violent at all. Every time I turn, he is there, behind me, beside me, talking, telling me he loves me, that no, he will not let me leave him, that all we need to do is talk it through and find a way to stay together. I feel sorrow and I feel I am the bad person in this situation. I have always tried and I believe succeeded in not hurting people in my life. I know the pain of rejection, of being unloved and unwanted. I know that is what he is feeling.
I see Doc on Monday. He will help me sort these feelings, and to see them in the right perspective. Until then, I will deal with it alone, all the time wondering....am I a bad person?
Sueann~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
8 comments:
My friend I am still praying for you. My heart breaks with the reading of each and every post. I am sorry I have not commented lately. I have no excuse. I pray you will forgive me.
I love you all and I am praying for healing and release from all your pain.
You Are NOT a bad person!!!!
Good that your cried.....
Glad you are seeing your doc come Monday!!!!
((((safe safe safe hugs))))
Of course you are not a bad person. You're looking after yourself for once, that's what's happening.
I'm sure you realize that staying with him would be care taking. It would be sacrificing yourself to meet his needs, but you already did enough of that throughout your life, didn't you?
Also important to remember is that you are doing him a favor. Neither you or him may know it right now, but it is for the best. You'll both be better off.
So think about it as doing something FOR HIM, even though he can't appreciate it yet.
All the best!
Indeed you are not a bad person!
I think you can't stay with your husband only because you are sorry for him.
i would like to echo what the other posters above are saying. especially unrepentant, who took the words right out of my mouth!
but one thing to add, if he loves you so much, why isn't he listening to what you're saying you most want and need. what happened to, if you truly love someone, set them free?
i hope things get better for you soon~ you are most certainly not a bad person.
oh i thought of one more thing. maybe it would help to imagine how you would feel if you "gave in" and agreed to stay? i imagine that would not feel good at all to you.
i wish he would respect your wishes in this time and not ask you to change your mind. obviously this is causing much conflict within you.
but you are not hurting him by wanting to leave. yes he is hurting. but not because of you. it is because he does not want to face reality. it is the reality of your feelings that he does not want to accept. he wants you to feel what you do not. he is grieving. and that is understandable.
but you are not being abusive.
you are telling him the truth.you cannot help what you feel. you cannot pretend. you are sincerely trying to do what is best for you both. this is the loving thing to do. both for you, and for him too.
pretending in order to try to "save" him would be more hurtful to you both.
i'm sorry you are both in so much pain.
No, you are not a bad person. You are full of goodness and compassion and deserve to find some happiness. I wish I could be there to help you through your troubles, in person, but all I can do is try and give you some comfort from a distance. If you need a "shoulder" to cry on, I'm just an email away. Hugs.
i think the way to your healing is breaking free beacuse its obvious to me that the people around you are tearing you apart.
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