From Darkness to Light!

Being a patient in a Psychiatric Hospital for three months has it's good side and not so good side.

Not so good side - well you become attached to the people you see every day. The Medical Staff, the Group Therapists, but most of all the other patients. After living each day, spending each evening with people who have spilled their life story and have listened to your life story, it is extremely difficult to let them go. They become your family.....no better than your family, they love you and you can feel that love. I still miss them. I still pray for them and always will. They were there for me and they helped to bring me into the Light.

The good side.....my in-patient stay literally saved my life! That may sound a bit "over the edge", but it is completely true. Without the knowledge and life skills I learned there, I know in my heart, I would not be here today. I would have committed suicide.

As soon as you are admitted the Nurse takes your picture. Now there is another reason for this, other than for ID purposes....but I will tell you the additional reason at the end of tonight's writing. Then you are shown to your room. There are two people to a room. I lucked out and my room mate was a wonderful, jolly woman.

The schedule every day is as follows: Up at 7 AM. Breakfast at 7:30 AM. First Group at 8 AM. Now the Groups are intense. Let me see how many different groups I can remember....you don't have each one every day. The group you do have every day begins in the Gym. Everyone sits in a circle, presided over by a Mental Health Tech. This Group is called "Feelings Check". One by one around the circle each person gives one "feeling", relating to how they are feeling that morning. I must stop here to tell you Fear and Fine are NOT feelings, per the Psychiatric Community. Fear is defined as either "Face Everything and Recover" or "Fuck Everything and Run". Fine is "Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional". If you do not feel like sharing, you just say pass or check. You can not even imagine how difficult it was for me to come up with a feeling, those first few weeks of my stay! It wasn't that I didn't know the definition of the feelings, I just could not connect myself to a feeling....... Additional Groups were Cognitive Therapy, Loving Confrontation, Learning to Trust, Art Therapy, Relaxation Techniques, Visualization, Family Role Playing, Gym, Connecting to Your Higher Power, Connecting with Your Inner Child...oh there were just so many. There were also specialized Groups such as Eating Disorders, Survivors of Sexual and/or Physical Abuse, well you get my drift.

I loved all the groups and learned so much! I learned it was OK to say NO! I learned to climb a 20 foot wall! I learned to walk on two wires, strung between two telephone poles, I learned to jump from the 20 foot wall to a trapeze! I learned to Trust. I didn't do these things alone....my "family" helped me, and lovingly pushed me all the way.

One little story...then it's off to bed for me.
I have always felt intuitive, or psychic or whatever you might want to call it. As an example, when living in Texas I would "know" when there was something wrong at home.....and 9 times out of 10 I would right. Often, a person, whom I had not seen in many years, would suddenly flit into my mind and I would wonder how they were, where they might be. Then within weeks, sometimes months, I would run into this person...it was bizarre! I learned, as a patient, to always trust that "gut" feeling inside. One night, late at night, I was sitting in the lounge writing in my journal, and a guy walked in. I had never seen him before. I saw that he was wearing the creepy hospital bracelet on his wrist, so I knew he must be a new "admit"....or is commit...lol. I got this "feeling" about him.....he scared me and the hairs on my neck actually tingled! I wrapped my journal up and got out of there as quickly as I could. The next day, in one of the groups, I had to hold his hand. OMG! It was terrifying, horrible and I felt this huge rush of disgust. Now I am a very compassionate woman. Feeling this way about him did not feel Good to me. I scolded myself for it. That evening when I met with my own Therapist, I related the story and my feelings to her. She looked at me and said "Sueann, this patient may be a gift to you, and you may have something he needs desperately". I thought...oh yeah, easy for you to say, you aren't feeling what I am, you don't have to hold his hand in Group. To make a long story short, this guy did not share anything about himself for two weeks. It was maddening, it made him even more frightening to me. So in Loving Confrontation Group, I asked him if he wanted to share his story with the Group. He said no. I went nuts! I started yelling at him, asking him why he was there if he wasn't going to talk, telling him how much he disgusted me...I was completely out of control......and I had no earthly idea why I was acting this way. After the Tech calmed me down, this man, who had been silent for so long began to tell his story. He was forced to be here, because he had been arrested for child abuse...oh wait there is more....he had been accused of raping his 4 year old Daughter! He claimed he had no memory of doing this act, that he loved his Daughter and would never hurt her. So there you have it. His gift to me......he spoke the words, he shared his story and it hit home like a tornado. My gift to him, well, he later admitted he had raped his Daughter...he confessed...and was now ready to begin his Journey to Recovery.

BTW...the second reason the Nurse takes your picture upon admittance, is to compare it to the picture she takes of you the day you leave. In my case, the pictures looked like two different people. The one taken of me on the day I arrived looked like a very old defeated skinny, raggedy old woman. The picture of me on the day I left was of a happy, strong, determined woman. The Nut House ain't so bad............................

Thanks for visiting the "Haunted House"!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".