Just have not felt good since "T" last week. Still no energy, still depressed and tummy sick. Don't feel like eating. What is it about emotions, which suddenly rise up from the past? Crying should be cleansing..right? Not so for us. Everyday is a struggle to just "be". Put on one mask for company, another for the husband, yet another to go out in public...so tired of it all. Feel like giving up...just leave everything in the past...tired of working so hard, just to feel so bad. Want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Mother called this morning. Complain, complain, complain....tired of being the "sounding board" for her. Yet, feel sorry for her too. Now head aches so much. Can't deal with this. Always put into situations, no forced into situations that are so difficult.
"MASKS"
An array of masks before me,
which one shall I choose?
To get through, yet, another day
what if I refuse?
I want to wear my own face,
but which is truly mine?
What if I wear the wrong one
and cross that fateful line?
Some are sad and lined with age,
still others wear much fear,
Who do they belong to
will it ever become clear?
Others are so child like
do they belong to me?
Will I ever find the right one
and feel that I am free.......
MElinda - grades 1 thru 6
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
8 comments:
Lovely Hearts, I wish it were so easy as to say, "To be free one does not need to choose (a mask)--or a sword.
How simple, how easy to write that! Yet, in reality (bad word? -grin? I hope y'all are laughing!), MUST you choose? I could just not ignore the 'others', maybe you cannot either.
I'm rambling, and that's bad, BAD, when you and I 'talk'. Another time will be better.
Until them, love to the alters.
S
My sweet, sweet Rainbow,
My heart aches for you right now. Please sweetheart keep hope alive in your heart and spirit. I just want you to know I LOVE YOU and send great big hugs and kisses to you.
i thnk masks are even harder for us who are multiples because it reminds us of how hard life has been and how far we have to go.
We also put on masks but usually two fold alters with their own masks who have bene taught to use their masks to hide the truth very sad
I am sorry for you, when you feel so depressed.
Ok, I will say something as an outsider, so please do not be offended:
I think all persons have different sides and maybe even wear masks: eg. someone at work is sometimes very different from the person at home. Well I know you can not compare this situation to yours, it is totally different. But I know at first hand how difficult it is to "find yourself", on the "outside" you can see (or can not see;-) who I am but I have also "other sides" who in a way even contradict eachother. I am very shy but sometimes my curiosity wins and once in a while I stare at someone (sorry for that, I wish not to embarrass someone) and sometimes, not very often, I like to attrack attention. Most of the time I am very quiet, other times when I am at ease I could "sing and shout".
Probably all masks (alters?) are a part of you. The difficult thing is that your masks do not interact and that children are involved. I hope T can help you and maybe other people who suffer from DID can explain.
Safe hugs and blessings,
Barbra
I don't know what you need to hear right now. I really don't. So I'll just say what I'm thinking.
I, too, I'm tired. I don't want to do it anymore. Wearing the mask sucks. People think I have it all together, but I don't. I am afraid. I want to hide.
The problem is that as much as I want to, I don't know how to stop wearing the masks. Maybe because I don't like my bare face.
Here is for us having a better day tomorrow!
I have given up on masks,this is the way I am,if you can not handle it that's on you.that is what I finally told my sisters and family several years ago.It is what I did for me to survive.
hugs to you all~ i'm sorry you are all feeling so drained and worn out. it does seem like you have had to go through one thing after another. and too much mother perhaps? visiting her, then mother's day, now a phone call? it sounds like you all need a break. some time just for yourselves to breathe and relax. i hope you can find time in your day for soothing, nurturing things. things that make you feel safe and comfortable~~
Do not let this idea cloud your mind and stay focus on Him, who had set you free from day one you are born.
He made everyone of us so unique and different from each others. The issue of wearing mask should not be raised at all. Show the real and the masterpiece of His creation and let Him shines on your face.
Be yoruself.
Grace and peace to you,
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