Spoke with Mother today. She wanted me to know that she can not get involved in what is happening between my Sister and myself. She can not take sides. She does not want to be in the middle. She wants me to understand that my Sister is "the way she is" and will never change and that I will have to accept it, just like everyone else. I wanted to scream back at her...when did you EVER allow yourself to be involved in anything? When have you EVER protected me or my Sister? Of course, I did not scream at her. I put on "my good daughter face" and said I had no such expectations....nor did I seek to put her in the middle of anything. Poor, poor Mother.....always thinking of herself, and how things may affect her and the hell with everyone else.
I have thought of writing to my Sister, but I know she would not even acknowledge the letter. How can I continue to reach out to her, when turns away from me, again and again. I just don't know what to do. I am in so much pain about this distance between us. This is not new. This dislike of me, started long ago. I found some of her High School Year Books, a few years back, and my face in every picture, in every book, is either cut out or has been made to look like the devil. Why? Has she turned all of her anger about the abuse toward me? Does she blame me? Am I to blame? No, no, no...I was just a little girl, just as helpless as she. Does seeing me, or talking to me, bring back the horrible memories? I may never know.
This I do know. Mother goes to church just about every day. Then turns around and calls me to tell me something, anything, negative about someone she saw there. How much of a hypocrite is she? I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I cried myself to sleep last night and have been crying off and on all day today. I'm going back into depression....once again. I'm not feeling very strong. I am so afraid I will fall into the dark abyss and never resurface again. I feel so terribly lost and alone.
Sueann
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
5 comments:
Sueann, at least church gives your mother a place to go every morning--or maybe she'd be over at your house, wanting eggs and "little-piggys-in-a-blanket." OMG, did I just write that?
Susannah (girls), maybe you should just let your sist BE for a time, and focus on other happenings, or non-happenings in your lives.
How 'bout that? Of course it is easy for me to say "Stop being so glum!" I've been practicing that for more than 30 years, and it HAS happened--happiness, I mean!
Sueann, so very sorry for the continued hurt in your family of hypocricy, snubness, just to name a few. I entend my ((((safe hugs)))) to you, as always!
steve....mother lives in another state, 6 hours away...even so i wouldn't give her any eggs or piggys in the blanket....mother should set an example...go to chrch then speak badly of those attending is cruel...in my opinion. my sis..leaving that gooooooooooooooo
JBR - sweetness that you are...always coming here for me/us.
safe hugs to you always
i have a hypocritical christian mother as well. she can be so superficial and judgemental of others. including herself and of course me. it can be so frustrating and hurtful!
as for your sister. i do think sometimes people project their anger about others onto "safer" people. those who aren't responsible, but who won't hurt them for expressing this anger. it may also be that she is angry that you voice your realities, and she cannot. (of course i don't know her, these are just my thoughts.) but if that's the case, that she doesn't want to admit or think about your childhood, maybe her anger is not at you so much, as at the truth that you tell. one she wishes not to face? again, i don't know your situation, those are just my thoughts.
but i did have a friend once, who told me all her sad and painful secrets, then she shut me out. and for years, no matter how hard i tried, we could never regain our friendship. and i think to her i became like a lockbox she put all her pain in, then she wanted to put it away not to think about it ever again. it made her feel good to tell me, and be heard. but then she wanted nothing more to do with me, or was it her past she wanted nothing more to do with? i may never know. it hurts when we care, but we get shut out. and to be the target of such anger when you don't feel that it's yours to bear. i wish you peace in this situation~
When I first started going to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics which was where I first started to tell others about my childhood of incest and emotional abuse, my mother got really angry with me. We never addressed her anger because she never brought it out into the open. If I asked, no, she wasn't angry at me. She did her anger with passive aggression which is always hard to pin down. Her silence was her biggest weapon against me. Until she could voice her anger, which she never did, we couldn't look at it or resolve it. She died holding on to it.
We can't change other people as much as we may want to. Hopefully writing about your feelings will keep you from going into that deep hole of depression. Even if your mother and sister can't or won't hear you, those who read your blog do hear you. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. We benefit from your writings.
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