"Things That Are Loud"

Today we went to "T". We go every week, on Wednesdays. Each week our Doc gives up over half an hour of his "own" time to dedicate to "us". That is such an awesome gift that he gives "us". We would not trade our Doc for anything!

The subject of noise, or noises, was the topic "we" were going to talk about today. However, "T" has a way of it's very own. "T" leads us, at times, into territories that are so frightening, places deep within, that we would rather avoid. <----------- See that word, avoid or avoidance is "our" tool. It keeps us safe, does not let us wander into the recesses of the horror of our life. Today, we dropped our tool of avoidance and pushed full steam ahead. We talked of things never uttered to a single soul, ever before. We explored our sexual abuse and the possibilities, and probable acts of sexual abuse that most certainly occurred. "Switching" was rampant. In and out, words of denial, fear of remembering, head aching, tummy upset, noises, whispering and finally silence. "T" ended, but the feelings remained on the outside, like a festering wound, bleeding and oozing. We have bits and pieces of memories of the sexual abuse. The act or acts still elude us. Today after "T" we were HIT with a vivid disgusting memory. Immediately we could not breathe! Gasping for air, feeling dizzy and wondering if our heart would burst from lack of the air we needed so desperately. We made it through, we survived, just as we survived when the actual act happened. We feel weak and nauseous and our head hurts so badly. BUT we survived..........

A Poem in honor of Child Abuse Awareness Month and National Poetry Month:

"Things That Are Loud"

A heart breaking
Sly whispers in the night.

A Mother's voice,
A Father's laugh.

A Sister's blank stare,
A Brother's addiction.

The voices inside,
The feelings inside.

Reflections in the mirror
Pretense and secrets.

The loss of innocence
Unspoken screams.

Tears.....

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".