"That Lonely Feeling"

We are feeling very lonely tonight....odd to say, when we seem to have several heads around us all the time. But, yes, tonight is lonely.

We haven't really discussed our marriage, finding it a difficult subject to broach. We rushed into this marriage, only knew the man for 3 months. To this day, after 2 years of being married, we do not know anything about him. He is quiet. He shows no empathy towards anyone....but we don't think this may be his fault. He shows other signs of possibly having Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of Autism. Sometimes at night, laying in our own bed, (we do not sleep with him) we feel afraid. We don't really know him, or what he may be capable of doing to us. He shows very little emotion. He is quiet....did we already mention that? He knows nothing of why we go to therapy once a week, nor does he ask. We have no support from him. We did tell him before we married, that we had been abused as children....he never responded....and has never asked or mentioned it again. You may be thinking, well he does not want to hurt us by talking about that subject. No, we believe he does not even remember that we told him. We have no idea why we are married to him. The actual marriage ceremony is a blur...like it really did not happen....but of course it did. We look at pictures from that day, we feel nothing, but anger. Anger at our selves for being in this situation..... We just want to live alone. We want to be left alone. We want to work on our Journey. We want to care for ourselves. We want to write and write and write, without someone walking in, looking over our shoulders. We don't want to hurt anyone and we know he will be hurt if we leave him. We are so lonely. We know how very important "support" is, while we work so hard trying to make sense of our lives. Hell, we have no one! No one close to us....not living near us. We have no one to sit with and just talk. Living with someone and being this lonely is just not right.

"us" and we are not feeling sorry for ourselves...just saying how it is....Melinda 1-6

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".