"The Sh#$ Hits The Fan"

Today was "T" day. We were tired and depressed when arrived and was holding in a ton of pent up anger. The tears ready to flow and we felt full of anxiety. As we sat across from Doc, we actually felt the calmness spread through our body. The anxiety slipped away, the anger lessened but the tears, well just is no way of stopping them.

We talked of many things, but the main topic was my way out of this marriage. Although we thought we had the perfect plan....well because it was our plan....Doc pointed out some, well, flaws in our plan. We will be telling the man that lives here, we want a divorce, and we want him to move out as soon as possible. He has a place to go, so that worry is off our mind.

Upon arriving home from "T", there was the man, sitting on the porch, smiling. We have asked him repeatedly to please allow us our space on "T" day, because we are generally exhausted and just want to be left alone. But why are we surprised that he does not support us in that request, when he offers no support at all?

We came into the house. We asked if anyone had called. He said yes, our cousin from Texas. So we came into the office to check our on-line messages, praying for a message from our new friend. There it was....a funny, light hearted, supportive message from him, and we felt so elated. So thankful for a friend that makes us laugh while still remaining supportive.

Then the phone rang. We glanced at the phone, saw that is was our cousin calling us. We answered, she said get to a place where the man that lives here can not hear our conversation. We immediately become alarmed, wondering what could have happened. Well she proceeded to tell us, that while we were gone she had called us. The man that lives here answered the phone and began questioning her about our new friend. Who was he? Did she know him? Were we having an affair with this man? **snort She knows about our new friend but told him, no she did not know the name....did not know who he was and why would he think we were having an affair when we never go out of the house. He asked her if she thought we did not love him anymore. She said you need to talk about this with her. She said he became angry and said he thought that we wanted a divorce. He said that would mean selling this house that he had worked so hard to buy. Well....first of all....this friend, is just that a friend. He listens to me, he understands me, he offers support and he is a very comforting factor in our lives right now. We are allowed to have friends!!! And it just angers me that this man has been listening in on our conversations!!! And another thing....he did not put the down payment on this house, we did, with our own money. He does not pay the house payment, we do with our own money. What he brought to this marriage was debt! Credit cards, personal loans, weekly payments on tools he must purchase for work and so on. We have managed to pay off most of his credit card debt and his personal loan....with our money! We actually felt some relief that this phone called had happened. It means, he does realize the marriage is over, even if he chose not to speak with us about it. It will lessen the anxiety of actually asking for a divorce, making our needs known to him. As far as our friend, we quickly called him and explained that the man who lives here has his number but in all likely hood would never call. We apologized to our friend and even offered to end the friendship that we hold so dear. But, being the man that he is, he said no, if he calls me I will tell him we are friends and nothing more. Our friend's concern was all for us. He wanted to be sure we would be okay, and asked to please call him back so that he would know we were safe.

Bottom line, we will be talking with the man who lives here on Thursday, after my family leaves to return home. We will tell him what we should have told him 2 years ago, we do not love him, the marriage is not working and that we want more out of relationship than what he is willing or can give us. We will stay strong, we will not allow guilt to consume us, we will maintain our boundaries and we will make it through this and reclaim our freedom. We must...take the steps needed to feel safe again. We look forward to our new life, with renewed hope in our future.

Sarah~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".