"Back to the Abyss"

Didn't even make it to "T" today...think it may be the first session missed in a year of weekly sessions. Another horrible Headache. Coincidence....that we get a Migraine on the day of "T"......when I have had none for almost a week? Doubtful, that it is. Probably FEAR of what is going to be revealed, what needs to be revealed!

Awoke, crying this morning, very very early. Could not go back to sleep. Have no idea why the crying..... Feel very lonely, sad, like life is over.....nothing to look forward to but the same thing day after bleak day. Did not plan to end up this way! Wanted a good and happy adult life...but just never got there. Don't deserve this! Never hurt anyone. Not our fault....things that happened to us. Keep saying that....but do we believe it? Don't know. Feelings of guilt pin us down, keep us down, keep us inside, keep us from everyone. Hate being looked at, stared at, like a freak! Feel like falling through the air, unable to stop........
Crayons and coloring....will that help? Not now...maybe later, though. Really feel unreal, far away and sick at tummy.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Back and Rested"

Hi Everyone...I have missed you! Thank you for all the support and wonderful comments you have written, during my absence. All of you have helped me through a really rough time. I needed time away to regroup and am now feeling much better. Headaches are not a daily misery and am sleeping better.

Meet my baby...Scarlett. She looks a little different now...gray and has cataracts...she is 12 1/2 years old. She is my love.

I will be seeing Doc tomorrow, and will back to posting after that. Just wanted to say thank you to all of you...you mean so much to me!

Rainbow ~


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"To My Friend Anndi"

For some moments in life there are no words.

Anndi, you and Alice and your family our in my thoughts. I am so sorry for the loss of your Father. I love you, my Sister and friend.

"Small Break"

Taking a small break from posting....to regroup. Hugs to everyone!

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Answers" - Possibly

Home from "T". Do we have any answers....maybe. We did not do much talking today, no one seemed to have anything to say. We did learn that keeping memories bottled up and not dealing with them can cause physical illness, such as the horrible headaches we have been having. But then again, if no one wants to speak, there is nothing that can be done. Even Doc suggested we may need a break from the emotional pain of trying so hard to remember. We also spoke of possibly using anti-depressants to reduce the depression. However, these medications are not used to treat DID. Personally, we do not like taking them. We feel as if they are a "false" sense of euphoria in a bottle. We don't feel as if we are in crisis so have made the decision to go on without the medications. We must find a way to agree to talk in "T". It's useless to go there and sit and not talk about our issues. Plus, Doc must feel terribly uncomfortable, with us just staring off into space. He even brought cookies today for us...but we did not take any. We were not allowed to have sweets at the Haunted House.....only one day a week, on Saturdays. We truly cherish our Doc...he is one of a kind.
We are feeling very tired and need to lie down for a while.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Miller, 1986

"Questions"

Sitting here, with the need to write, but have no idea what the topic may be. Have been so upset, sick and suffering with horrible headaches for a week. Had some panic attacks, nightmares too. Oh what is going on? No energy at all. No feelings of being real, either. Like nothing is real. Maybe this is how death feels. Everyone, inside, has been pretty quiet. Still can not shake this feeling something is wrong. Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Are we shut down? Feelings of heaviness, weariness and a longing for something...but what? Don't know if we want to do this anymore...this trying to get well. Too much confusion and too many questions. How do you feel inside? How many of you are there? Who are you? No one to talk to, no one who cares. May as well, just go away. Where would you go? Where would you live? How would you live? Do you even want to live? Who's in the mirror? Now who's in the mirror? Have you been here before? What is your name? How old are you? Who's hands are these? Who's face is this? Who did I see, just now, out of the corner of my eye? Am I insane? Should we go to the hospital? Should we stay home? Do we really have a home? Why do we feel so sick? What is causing these headaches? Have no freakin idea what the hell is going on. Just want to give up. Life is cruel, life is blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
And, no, have no idea who wrote this and don't care niehter.


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Guilt"

I can not stop thinking of my Brother. He has been gone for 9 years, killed in an accident. I miss him, my heart aches with the knowledge of not seeing or hearing from him ever again. Sometimes I worry that I will forget the sound of his voice, his laughter and his hugs. Even now, 9 years later, the tears flow, each time I think of him.

Lately, I have been thinking about his life. He was the youngest of the three of us. He never lived a day with "The Dad", moving right into my Grandparent's home, the day he came from the hospital as a new born. I remember him as a toddler, running through the house, his blonde hair all tousled. The next memory I have of him, he is 12 years old! I have lost about 10 years of memories of him. I was 4 years old, when he was born. The 'visitations' with "The Dad" began shortly after his birth....and perhaps is connected to my loss of memory. What I do remember is that he was even more neglected than my Sister or myself. He was also more rebellious. My Mother just had no idea how to handle a hyper little boy. He refused to cry, when beaten, which just angered Mother even more. When Mother remarried, my brother was 12 years old. Well, the home they moved into, did not have an extra room for my brother...he stayed with our Grandparents. I was 16 at the time, just trying to get through High School and get the hell out of that small town, away from my abusers. I feel so guilty now, about not speaking up, or being more supportive of my brother. It was so unfair to him, to just leave him. My Grandparents were good to him, but eventually could not handle him. He became an angry teen. He stole, started drugs, he was in lots of fights...just generally uncontrollable. He moved in with Mother, my Step-Father and my Sister and me. He had to sleep on the couch.....that is just not right. After awhile, he and my Step-Father did not get along, then he began fighting with Mother.....and back to my Grandparents he went. His behavior problems worsened, his anger grew, I became afraid of him. For this, I am so sorry, my Brother. I should have known something was wrong! I know now, that you were also molested! Please hear me when I say...I took your place, many times, to save you. Please know how much I have always loved you! I am so sorry that we can not be together now! I am thankful for the closeness we did have before you went away. I am thankful, I called you, just to talk, shortly before you went away. I thank you for keeping all the cards I sent you, through the years. I found them when we closed up your home. I will keep them forever! I am so sorry, I left home, left you, I did so without thinking of anyone but myself. Please know that I had to get away from there! I am so thankful for the night I called you and asked you to forgive me for any wrong doings I may have committed against you...and you answered.....back at you, babe. I miss you, my Brother.....so very much. I hope that you have found peace and acceptance.

Love,
MElinda grades 1-6
Sueann
Rainbow
Sarah
Susannah ~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".