There are 3 million reports of child abuse and neglect, reported in the United States every year. Experts estimate the actual number of incidents of child abuse and neglect, is 3 times greater than reported.
We like this idea of lists! We were up until 5AM, reading our blog. We cried, we marveled at the Poems, we embraced all of the new friends we have made and began to see a pattern in our posts. NEGATIVITY! So today, we are going to post a list of accomplishments in our lives that help us feel better about our life. These are in no particular order, as we have no particular order....*smile....
First Chair Clarinet in High School Concert Band and in County Band - 7th grade (actually First Chair H.S. and County Band grades 7-12) First Clarinet Solo - 7th grade (our school was small and high school is 7-12) Clarinet - High School - Jazz Band Majorette - High School High Honor Roll - 7th-9th grades Honor Roll - 7th - 12th grades Piano recital - Solo - 4th grade Published Poet - 5 years ago Highest Award given for Quality Assurance Computer Test Analyst - Major Airline Volunteer - Special Olympics - for 10 years Helped raise 2 beautiful girls First Response Team - Major Airline - worked 3 plane crashes (brutal!) Christmas Queen - 10th grade (got to ride in open convertible...sitting on top of back seat...was very cold....)
ummm...having difficult time with memory.....and all of these appear that we are bragging...but not...
maybe we think of more later...don't know.....
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Last night, I got into bed, lay down, got comfy and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I was consumed with fear, massive fear. I don't even know that I can explain what happened next...but I need to try.
My body went rigid, and I felt someone was in the room, approaching me. I don't remember ever being so terrified, so completely vulnerable! The only way I can describe what happened next is by saying I felt I was being molested, raped, hurt. I don't mean in the 'literal' sense of these words. I remember wanting to scream, but I could not. I could not move! This feeling lasted for only a few minutes, but it was so terrifying! When at last, this feeling went away, I sat straight up in my bed and I was shaking. I had to get out of my bedroom. As soon as I felt I could stand, I went to the living room. I sat on the couch, still feeling afraid and shaken. I tried sorting out what had happened, but it became fuzzy, out of my reach, I started questioning myself if it had really happened. I read for awhile, then hesitantly returned to my bed. I lay there for a long time, tense, afraid it may happen again. Sometime, there after, I fell asleep. Upon awakening this morning, I immediately remembered what had happened the night before. But I felt nothing, no fear....just nothing.
The remainder of the day, I was fine, except for the same nagging painful headache, which has become an every day cross to bare. So what happened to me? Was this a physical memory of the incest? Or being raped by my first husband? I have no idea, no explanation and this has never happened to me before....possibly an alter has experienced it, perhaps it was an alter that suffered horribly last night...I just don't know. The fact that I did not feel emotionally attached to the incident this morning, makes me think it happened to an alter.
Sueann~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
I got this idea, for this post, from a Blogger Friend, who is also a Multiple. The following is a list of 'what is meant' to be helpful and supportive words by friends and relatives, aware of my diagnosis, and the feelings, these words, cause within me.
"Your life is what you make it" my life is in turmoil because I made it this way? = Blame
"You are the only one that can change your life" give me the set of instructions and I will do just that = Blame and Helplessness
"Don't talk about your Mother that way to me" did I make this stuff up? = Not being believed
"All of 'that' is in the past...just get on with your life 'all of that' IS my life = Worthless and confused
"You were the oldest, you should have told someone" 17 months older and was threatened with death = Blame, Shame and Loss
"I have known you for years, I never saw any other personalities" did you ever really look, or care = Non-Validation and a Freak
"Give your life over to God, and you will be healed" why didn't God stop the incest and violence = Fear and hopeless
"Everyone has different personalities, they use at different times" they do? do yours lose time, whisper to you, hide things from you = Minimized
"Kids today, need their asses slapped" yeah...let's just beat them until they bleed = Disbelief and sorrow
"Your Dad was hit in the head, he changed after that, became mentally ill" no..he was a Pedophile, and a rapist and a bastard = Anger and Rage
"Your Mother did not have a very good life, you know" so it's okay that she made mine a living hell = Unworthy of love
"You feel sick because you are a rotten, bad girl" it's called 'acting out' and a clear sign of abuse = Ignored and Neglected
"Wetting the bed at your age is just stupid and disgusting" see me, look at me, ask me...what is wrong = Frustration
"I called you last week, but you seemed uninterested" you did? don't remember the call = Embarrassed and Blame
"It was a Kidney Infection, that is why you were raw and could not pee" so I get catheterized at age 5, after being incested = Pain and deserving of pain
"Your Sister treats everyone like that, it's just not you" and that's okay? I have no reason to feel hurt? = Abandonment
"Do you talk about me in therapy? (Mother) oh no, never...why do you think I'm in therapy = Angry and Boundary issues
"You need to get out of that house and go places" and "switch" in public, people staring and judging me = Depressed
"If this Dr. is not helping you, find another one" he is helping me! you just don't or won't try to understand = Anger
"Don't cry, that doesn't solve anything" crying is a release of the pain and I need to cry = Dismissed feelings
"You need to exercise more, it will give you back your energy" if I could move, if I had any motivation, if I was not so afraid = Judged
"Why can't you sleep, something bothering you" pounding headaches, stomach pain, my unhappiness = Whiny, complaining
"Forgiveness for those who hurt you, that is what you need to do" yeah, well screw you, I'm not ready to forgive = RAGE
Peace Susannah~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
<---------- Rainbow spoke at "T" today....while MElinda - grades 1-6 drew pictures, with colored pencils and a sketch pad..oh and box of 64 crayons.....gifts from Doc, to help us get better. Doc, so nice man...friend to "us". lots of crying....whole bunch....but kept drawing, drawing. then got sick and bad pain in tummy.....hurt really bad.......feeling scared too......talked about brother who die and about sister won't like us.....have bad head hurt now.....draw number 8 for doc....not good....very tired.....said would like to be in V. L.'s arms....she so nice to us......no one to hold us.....feel lost
"Hold Us"
No one to hold us no one to care
Smack us and beat us and pull out our hair
Hurting and hurting and no one to tell
Sadness and sorrow we just want to yell
See us, believe us don't turn away
This can not be our life no, nothing okay
Why did you born us if hate us so much
Not a kind word and nary a touch
The monster is coming to kill us we think
Cut off our heads and drop in the sink
Shut up you bitches we hear them say
Run off to the chambers must get away
We hold each other some comfort we find
Our memories we bury and leave them behind
Broken and splintered we try to sleep
Silence is golden secrets we keep
rainbow~ "The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Still no sleep...been up for two days. Too much noise, can't think. Anger, then crying, then scared, then numb....just too much....head pounding, trouble breathing......
Best friend from Texas called tonight. Weird, because thinking of her today...then get phone call. She received the card for her graduation, Bach in Nursing...now going on for Masters Degree. So proud of her....very. Asked how everything was...and she said...well other than what I have told about my Mother...OK. Huh? What about? She said called you last week, told you how sick Mother is. Don't remember, and...she said...I figured, because you were not following anything that night. She knows about others. Had a good long talk and even laughed...was fun. At the end...she said...It has been so nice talking to "you" again. See that's the thing.....we don't even know....so scattered....everything in this life is scrambled...like eggs are....all sloshed together....no beginning....no end..... "T" tomorrow..... no! dont want to gooooooooooooo must go...need help.
one good today......PENS won... :))).....
Hope we get to "T" tomorrow....need to see Doc. so very disoriented.... The Woman will get all of us there......hopefully.......
Mr. Steve E. you DO get us....and we thank you and love yu.....and got to go now....raining....so nice...love rain....
"Rain"
Push it all out, let go of the pain. The reality is our walks in the rain. Free of the dirt, Inflictions of pain, The reality is our walks in the rain. Escape from the fear of going insane, The reality is our walks in the rain.
"Rainbow"~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
I know someone else already posted here, to honor our Troops, now serving, those that have served and those who gave the ultimate sacrifice to protect our Nation's freedom. But I wanted to also say something about Memorial Day, as well.
I am Pro Peace. That does not mean I do not appreciate everything our Soldiers do for us, they are all Heroes to me. I want all of them home, safe, united with their families. War sickens me! The loss of so very many lives! The unbearable pain it brings to their loved ones they leave behind. I ..... can't finish...too much voices
Susannah~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
feel nothing but pain...headaches, tummy hurt.....but feel nothing inside....the chambers are quiet....feel like somethin going to happen....forgetting how to spell some words and the number 8...why cant we write the number 8....our hand shakes, our fingers jump all over....when we write number 8......maybe we write poem now about number 8....yeah good thing to do.....
"Number Eight"
lost, lonely soul, little girl of eight...
no longer innocent, spirit and imagination gone.
sad, joyless, little girl of eight....
feelings of shame, for what had been done.
so tired of life, little girl of eight....
wanting death, to just to end the pain.
come with us, little girl of eight....
wanting to follow, the voices within.
stay with "us", little girl of eight....
listening to the whispers that come in the night.
you belong with "us", little girl of eight....
feelings of comfort disappearing forever within.
~eight~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
still shut down.....maybe for the best right now. headaches are horrible! not much sleep........ love all of you commenting and supporting us....we need this right now..... elle....plz introduce you to us.....thinking of all who are serving in war.....sad they are not home.... miss my Brother so much....ok, crying, gots to go now.... but still OK..... !!!!!!!!!!
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
still waking crying....don't remember dreams....still having bad headaches but don't feel in the "crisis" mode. still feel on shaky ground.....think memory trying to come through......just not happy.....and no one is talking....inside.......
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
thank you too all of my dear friends who have sent me prayers and love and so much support! love all of you.
company not staying here.....settled. also spoke with Doc, which helped so much....thank you so much for calling me! have the greatest Doc in the world....
wanted to say Thank You to all the men and women who are and have served our great Nation. this Holiday is for you! God Bless You!
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Don't know what to do. Friends of husband coming in town for Holiday...never met them....don't want to have to pretend marriage is fine...when it is NOT! Don't want to meet them....sounds mean...right? Just can't handle being put in this "forced situation", especially right now. We don't feel safe right now! Don't want anyone looking at us, making assumptions about us....so fearful of "switching" in front of them........ stupid life...hate it.....stupid, stupid life..........we all freaking out....crying.....headache again with tummy sick. put call into Doc...need help....Mother said you being mean, said you HAVE to meet them....they be friends of HIS....no no no no no.....can't do this....no safe place to hide....maybe run away....go girly go.....somewheres...but no place to run...no where to hide....
"RUN"
run away, little girl no matter the place
stay put, little girl you must stay
go far away, little girl hide where he can't find you
better not run, little girl do what you 'should' do
don't cry, little girl we find somewhere for you
grow up and do right, little girl you are bad and shame on you
don't hurt, little girl safe inside with "us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Everyone is in major shut down...so, I Susannah, will write. It's with much sorrow that I tell you MElinda - grades 1 through 6, has taken ill. Her headaches are causing horrific pain and preventing any sleep. She feels she must soon "speak" at "T" and tell of the memories she has held and painted black for so long. She understands keeping them inside and "secret" is not good for any of "us".Although this realization is a good thing for our Journey to heal, she is terrified....won't someone help her......please....... Crying, crying all the time, seeing those terrible things taht happen....why why why to me....then to us....then awful smells, hands are notmine whos.....pain blank numb...not real....cant be....should be dead then.....dont want to tell....not posed to tell...ever.....head hurt so bad...tummy hurt too.....dont make me go out....they will look and stare me..............................................
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
It is 3:50 A.M. and we can not sleep. we thought we would visit our friends here. we found this incredible gift from our dear, loving friend, Valerie Lynn. the post she wrote to us, is filled with so much unconditional love and support and many prayers. she has touched our very soul with her words....she is a very exceptional woman of God. Valerie, we love you, will always and forever love you. we thank you for your love and support. we dedicate this Poem to you....
"A Woman God Made"
Out of the depths of the darkest pain, shines the wondrous light of compassion.
A heart, so giving of unconditional love, our eyes weep for the glorious gift given.
Loving arms reach out to hold us, we wish to stay in them forever.
Amongst the forgotten memories, one will remain and never leave.
Acceptance without doubt, Understanding without question.
Believing without seeing, Giving without wanting.
Precious friend of our heart A woman God made.
With Love, "us" "The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Didn't even make it to "T" today...think it may be the first session missed in a year of weekly sessions. Another horrible Headache. Coincidence....that we get a Migraine on the day of "T"......when I have had none for almost a week? Doubtful, that it is. Probably FEAR of what is going to be revealed, what needs to be revealed!
Awoke, crying this morning, very very early. Could not go back to sleep. Have no idea why the crying..... Feel very lonely, sad, like life is over.....nothing to look forward to but the same thing day after bleak day. Did not plan to end up this way! Wanted a good and happy adult life...but just never got there. Don't deserve this! Never hurt anyone. Not our fault....things that happened to us. Keep saying that....but do we believe it? Don't know. Feelings of guilt pin us down, keep us down, keep us inside, keep us from everyone. Hate being looked at, stared at, like a freak! Feel like falling through the air, unable to stop........ Crayons and coloring....will that help? Not now...maybe later, though. Really feel unreal, far away and sick at tummy.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Hi Everyone...I have missed you! Thank you for all the support and wonderful comments you have written, during my absence.All of you have helped me through a really rough time. I needed time away to regroup and am now feeling much better. Headaches are not a daily misery and am sleeping better.
Meet my baby...Scarlett. She looks a little different now...gray and has cataracts...she is 12 1/2 years old. She is my love.
I will be seeing Doc tomorrow, and will back to posting after that. Just wanted to say thank you to all of you...you mean so much to me!
Rainbow ~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Taking a small break from posting....to regroup. Hugs to everyone!
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Home from "T". Do we have any answers....maybe. We did not do much talking today, no one seemed to have anything to say. We did learn that keeping memories bottled up and not dealing with them can cause physical illness, such as the horrible headaches we have been having. But then again, if no one wants to speak, there is nothing that can be done. Even Doc suggested we may need a break from the emotional pain of trying so hard to remember. We also spoke of possibly using anti-depressants to reduce the depression. However, these medications are not used to treat DID. Personally, we do not like taking them. We feel as if they are a "false" sense of euphoria in a bottle. We don't feel as if we are in crisis so have made the decision to go on without the medications. We must find a way to agree to talk in "T". It's useless to go there and sit and not talk about our issues. Plus, Doc must feel terribly uncomfortable, with us just staring off into space. He even brought cookies today for us...but we did not take any. We were not allowed to have sweets at the Haunted House.....only one day a week, on Saturdays. We truly cherish our Doc...he is one of a kind. We are feeling very tired and need to lie down for a while.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Sitting here, with the need to write, but have no idea what the topic may be. Have been so upset, sick and suffering with horrible headaches for a week. Had some panic attacks, nightmares too. Oh what is going on? No energy at all. No feelings of being real, either. Like nothing is real. Maybe this is how death feels. Everyone, inside, has been pretty quiet. Still can not shake this feeling something is wrong. Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Are we shut down? Feelings of heaviness, weariness and a longing for something...but what? Don't know if we want to do this anymore...this trying to get well. Too much confusion and too many questions. How do you feel inside? How many of you are there? Who are you? No one to talk to, no one who cares. May as well, just go away. Where would you go? Where would you live? How would you live? Do you even want to live? Who's in the mirror? Now who's in the mirror? Have you been here before? What is your name? How old are you? Who's hands are these? Who's face is this? Who did I see, just now, out of the corner of my eye? Am I insane? Should we go to the hospital? Should we stay home? Do we really have a home? Why do we feel so sick? What is causing these headaches? Have no freakin idea what the hell is going on. Just want to give up. Life is cruel, life is blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh And, no, have no idea who wrote this and don't care niehter.
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
I can not stop thinking of my Brother. He has been gone for 9 years, killed in an accident. I miss him, my heart aches with the knowledge of not seeing or hearing from him ever again. Sometimes I worry that I will forget the sound of his voice, his laughter and his hugs. Even now, 9 years later, the tears flow, each time I think of him.
Lately, I have been thinking about his life. He was the youngest of the three of us. He never lived a day with "The Dad", moving right into my Grandparent's home, the day he came from the hospital as a new born. I remember him as a toddler, running through the house, his blonde hair all tousled. The next memory I have of him, he is 12 years old! I have lost about 10 years of memories of him. I was 4 years old, when he was born. The 'visitations' with "The Dad" began shortly after his birth....and perhaps is connected to my loss of memory. What I do remember is that he was even more neglected than my Sister or myself. He was also more rebellious. My Mother just had no idea how to handle a hyper little boy. He refused to cry, when beaten, which just angered Mother even more. When Mother remarried, my brother was 12 years old. Well, the home they moved into, did not have an extra room for my brother...he stayed with our Grandparents. I was 16 at the time, just trying to get through High School and get the hell out of that small town, away from my abusers. I feel so guilty now, about not speaking up, or being more supportive of my brother. It was so unfair to him, to just leave him. My Grandparents were good to him, but eventually could not handle him. He became an angry teen. He stole, started drugs, he was in lots of fights...just generally uncontrollable. He moved in with Mother, my Step-Father and my Sister and me. He had to sleep on the couch.....that is just not right. After awhile, he and my Step-Father did not get along, then he began fighting with Mother.....and back to my Grandparents he went. His behavior problems worsened, his anger grew, I became afraid of him. For this, I am so sorry, my Brother. I should have known something was wrong! I know now, that you were also molested! Please hear me when I say...I took your place, many times, to save you. Please know how much I have always loved you! I am so sorry that we can not be together now! I am thankful for the closeness we did have before you went away. I am thankful, I called you, just to talk, shortly before you went away. I thank you for keeping all the cards I sent you, through the years. I found them when we closed up your home. I will keep them forever! I am so sorry, I left home, left you, I did so without thinking of anyone but myself. Please know that I had to get away from there! I am so thankful for the night I called you and asked you to forgive me for any wrong doings I may have committed against you...and you answered.....back at you, babe. I miss you, my Brother.....so very much. I hope that you have found peace and acceptance.
Love, MElinda grades 1-6 Sueann Rainbow Sarah Susannah ~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Just have not felt good since "T" last week. Still no energy, still depressed and tummy sick. Don't feel like eating. What is it about emotions, which suddenly rise up from the past? Crying should be cleansing..right? Not so for us. Everyday is a struggle to just "be". Put on one mask for company, another for the husband, yet another to go out in public...so tired of it all. Feel like giving up...just leave everything in the past...tired of working so hard, just to feel so bad. Want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Mother called this morning. Complain, complain, complain....tired of being the "sounding board" for her. Yet, feel sorry for her too. Now head aches so much. Can't deal with this. Always put into situations, no forced into situations that are so difficult.
"MASKS"
An array of masks before me, which one shall I choose? To get through, yet, another day what if I refuse?
I want to wear my own face, but which is truly mine? What if I wear the wrong one and cross that fateful line?
Some are sad and lined with age, still others wear much fear, Who do they belong to will it ever become clear?
Others are so child like do they belong to me? Will I ever find the right one and feel that I am free.......
MElinda - grades 1 thru 6
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
All day, I have been remembering time spent with my Mother. There is not much I can remember from childhood. We had no family vacations. I so want this post to be kind and a tribute to the good there is in my Mother. So here goes.....
My Mother, smiles and her entire being changes, it becomes radiant. My Mother is beautiful. She still gets compliments from men on how wonderful she looks. My Mother is strong. She has survived a bitter and fearful divorce, the loss of her parents within a year of one another and the loss of her eldest son. My Mother is witty and funny. My Mother is loyal to her family and her friends. My Mother is a Christian and goes to Mass always. My Mother has taught me survival, in her own way.
OK have to stop...too much talking in my head.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you.....and to you, as well, Steve....**grin**.
Rainbow
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
In support of "Stopping Domestic Violence Day", I have chosen to write a Poem. I am a Survivor of Domestic Abuse. My first husband was the abuser.
"Sorry"
Tender skin, broken and bleeding, eyes swollen from the tears.
Locked in a closet no way to get out.
Listening to the ranting hearing the sound of my treasures being broken.
Believing the words you are worthless, you deserve to die.
Wiping his spit from my face, feeling the pain from his fists.
Helpless and hopeless no where to go.
All friends have left family unaware.
Waiting for the next time bracing for the pain.
The door opens, I'm sorry, he says....it will never happen again and again and again..........
"Sueann"
Abuse, physical and emotional is never a one time thing. It will go on, until there is irreversible damage or death. Leave! Tell someone! Get help.
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
We have been working so hard to gain understanding of "our" condition. Yet, at times, like right now, we feel we are losing, instead of reaching that point of knowledge. It's not exactly the concept of 'splitting' that gets in our way, it's more the internal communication bringing us down. Since yesterday, we feel physically ill, beaten down and unable to manage daily chores. Our head aches, our tummy is queasy and we have no energy. Last night we were unable to sleep. Sounds of whispering and crying would not allow us to sleep. If the parts of me want to communicate, why don't they just do so? We know we live in one body, but are still separate entities. Why can't we just share our memories, our thoughts? In "T" we learned when an alter is ready (meaning without fear) their memories will be shared. When? How long does this process take? Why do we sit in "T" and hide behind "The Woman"? We trust and respect our Doc, so what stands in the way of speaking up? Why do we feel embarrassment? Why do we feel shame? Are we "stuck" in still thinking everything that happened was "our" fault? Nothing feels right. Nothing feels real.
"us" "The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Just returned from "T". Am so exhausted. Cried so much, sobbed even...poor Melinda grades 1-6. Had to pull over so she could throw up, on the drive home. She is asleep in the chamber, unable to speak, so I will write her thoughts about today. She hurt all over. She wanted to die. She was embarrassed to cry in front of Doc. She wanted to run and hide, did not want anyone to look at her. She misses her Gram soooo much. She wonders what it may be like to be dead. She could not speak, only cry. She does not understand why she was beaten and molested. She can find no reason why she was born. She is afraid...so afraid the memories will surface and all of it will be her fault. She did not get to tell Doc that she colored while at "the Mother's". She colored out of the lines and was terrified someone would see. She does not feel safe in her world. She needs.....something....but she does not know what that "something" might be. She feels empty and lost. She will be kept safe in the Chamber.
Susannah~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Thank you, Barbra for being honest and helping "us" sort things out. We want to get to know you! Come be our friend.....when you are ready! Hugs to you!
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
First I want to thank everyone for stopping by while I was away. It was wonderful to come home to supportive comments!
Well we survived another visit with "the Mother". We did fairly well, although there were some creepy moments. We worked very hard and managed to get all the Spring cleaning finished. We also shopped with "the Mother" for new drapes for her living room. That went fine. Then...."the Mother" wanted to shop for clothes. (internally, utter chaos prevailed) Thoughts of our childhood shopping with "the Mother" surfaced for some, accompanied by fear, self-loathing and sadness. While "others" longed to insult her, as she tried on clothes after clothes after clothes. Still "others" were very agitated because they did not get to shop, it was all about "the Mother". And "one" watched in utter rage as "the Mother" disregarded "every one's" feelings! We left the store with a book, no clothing.
"We" took "the Mother" on a little cruise around town. We wanted to see her reaction to some areas we remember as painful and even terrifying. Our last drive by was the "Haunted House". No one can even imagine the Courage it took from all of "us" to accomplish this. The "Haunted House" has changed. It's a different color, the large porch, where the swing hung, was gone, the berry bush, also gone but the windows......appeared as huge eyes watching "us", remembering "us" and they seemed to be crying, as the relentless rain fell. We are over-whelmed with emotion and must stop writing for now. Hugs to all!
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
