"Dis-Connected"

Back from "T".

We spoke of 'Barbra' and the possibility she may be an alter. Only Barbra can put an end to these questions we have. If indeed you are an alter, we welcome you! We want to know you! We no longer fear you!

Disconnected was the general feeling in "T" today. Difficult to follow Doc, to stay with him, to stay centered. So many voices and different thoughts racing through our head. That feeling of disconnection has been growing the past two weeks. It appears, everyone, is keeping to themselves. Perhaps, nurturing, or the lack there of, could be the problem. There are some "little ones" and maybe they feel neglected. Feelings of depression and anxiety are finding their way back to us, once again. Jittery, little sleep, exhaustion, fuzziness are all contributors. However, what is really going on? We feel separated. We feel confused about our life. This trip, tomorrow, going "home" is most likely the reason.....really just guessing here. We are not looking forward to listening to the "mother" and all her negativity. Yet, we still feel sorry for her. So there is that struggle of caring about her, yet being repulsed by her thoughtless remarks and actions. My hair, my weight (and no I am not fat!), yet another failed marriage, my Brother, my Sister, my Dad (step-dad), the neighbors, fat people, what people wear, what people say, her mistreatment, her life........her her her her her! How will we bear all this? Can we hide from her? We can go deep inside and stay there, let "The Woman" deal with her. We wish no one ill will...although, we have the right to do so. A question was posed to me....."What would happen if the Mother said she was sorry?" If she did and was truly contrite, we don't know if we can ever completely forgive her for the abuse and the neglect. We have set it all aside for so many years, not wanting to acknowledge the severeness of what was done to us. We have drifted along for so many years, being kind to her, even attempting to understand her. But can we give complete forgiveness.....we don't know. Please keep us in your thoughts, while we are away. We will return next Tuesday. Safe Hugs to all of you!

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Just Like Old Times"

My Cousin just left, on her way back to Texas. I am happy to say, no make that, over joyed to say we had a great time together! We grew up together and are more like Sisters than cousins. It was so good to see her! I cried like a baby this morning, as she drove away. We did make plans for me to fly down to Texas in June for a visit.

I actually went shopping!!! AND bought some clothes. My cousin bought me some jewelry to go with my new clothes. I won't say that I did not have some "moments" while shopping, cause I did. At one point, we had to leave a store quickly, cause I just could not breathe! I have told my cousin about my "condition", well as much as I understand about it...I am still learning. So she understood, as much as she can, and we left the store right away. An incident happened that scared some of the "little ones". A kid was bouncing this ball in the store, and the ball hit me on the back. The "switching" was immediate! The young ones of "us" became afraid and were fearful the kid would continue to hit "us"....so out the door we flew. "They" were quite shaken and "we" and my cousin found a place to grab some coffee and just sit for awhile. My cousin told me she could actually see the change and fear in me. That validation from her, was truly a blessing, a gift to all of "us".

I was shocked to see all the new styles that are out. It was like traveling back in time. Peace sign T-shirts, jewelry, man it was like I feel all the time, young, in my 20's and I loved it. Why can't every day be like this? To feel happy again, was so wonderful! I had forgotten what happiness felt like.

So back to "our" real world now. We are leaving early Thursday morning to visit Mother. She has not been well. In fact she was taken to the hospital, by ambulance on Saturday morning. Her blood pressure was very high and her breathing was difficult. She was there for a few hours, then released. She had a reaction to some new medication her physician had given her. We had promised her months ago, that we would be there to help with her Spring Cleaning. So we feel we must go. Yes, we are fearful of how things will go, but a promise is a promise.

I feel sad, at the moment. I dread goodbyes. I miss my cousin so much already! She brought joy and laughter into my life, even for just a few days. I love her all the more for that.

Peace!
Susannah with some help from the "others"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Appreciate All Of You!"

Hi my friends! Won't be posting until after my out of town company leaves on Monday afternoon. Thank you all for your concern and love and hugs! Still having the headaches! Everyone, please take care of yourselves!
Hug from,
"us

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Headaches Unbearable"

The headaches have become just about unbearable! Happening 3 or more times per day. We are taking Excedrin, which was recommended by our Physician, and it does take away the headache for a couple of hours, then the pain is back, once again. We spoke with Doc about this, and he is still of the opinion, a new alter may be forming, or an alter, living within us, may be attempting to surface. Our opinion....yes we have opinions and Doc respects them....is we have not been nurturing our "others", as much as we could be, and this may be their way of getting our attention. So this weekend "we" are going out shopping with our cousin, visiting from Texas. We shudder at the very thought of going out, especially shopping, something that brings back such painful memories, but we are going to do it. We are also going to a movie, and that will be extremely difficult. Can we maintain and sit through an entire movie without saying or doing inappropriate things? So afraid we may laugh, when we should not, cry, when we should not, causing strangers to stare at us, and embarrassing our cousin. We are willing to take that chance. We have been working so hard on our issues, we need to take a break. Perhaps this will lessen the amount of headaches, we surely hope so.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Love Ya Award" - For Us!!!!

We received an Award! The Love Ya Award from our good friend Steve E. Thank you so very much, Steve! Steve is a kind, happy and loving man. He fought hard to become the man he is today. We are very proud of him! Steve plays the violin, and we would just love to hear him play! Perhaps he has recorded some of his music and will share with us someday.

We are very honored to receive this award! Thank you, again, Steve E. and many hugs to you!

*us*

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"To Barbra"

Dear Barbra - I am reaching out to you today, in hopes that you will place your welcomed comments here in "our" Blog.

Just home from "T" and am not so quite confused. It seems we may have been too quick to judge (something done to "us" all the time) my new reader, Barbra. For this we humbly apologize. You said "we" are helping you, in your life. That is the purpose and goal of this Blog....to help all that we may reach, on their life's Journey. We are so sorry, Barbra, in turning away from you. We were frightened because we do not know you. We want you to be our friend. We sincerely hope that you will return soon.

POEM

Out of the mist she
came to be.

Bewildered by
so many "others".

Needing to be embraced
but turned away.

Showing "us" her courage
stepping into the light.

Opening "our" eyes
to another, needing to belong.

Receiving you into our hearts
"our" gift to you.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Taking a Short Break From Posting"

We have made the decision to take a short break from posting. We want to meet with Doc, before disclosing anymore information about ourselves. Safe Hugs to All! rainbow

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Are We Writing to Ourselves or is Someone Messing With Us?"

We welcome and are thankful for comments because we learn from them. We feel enriched by the words, blessings and hugs we receive. However, something is happening that disturbs us, to say the least.

An unknown person, first commented as Anonymous and that is okay. We understand the need for privacy. However, after asking Anonymous, if we might know her, things became...well frightening. She revealed her first name and we thanked her. Now she has written that she "knows" "us" and is someone we see every day, but our relationship is "non-verbal". She has also revealed that she has "blue eyes". She went on to say "perhaps we should ask our "others" who she is. As most of you know, we do not leave the house other than for "T" and when it is absolutely necessary. So we know as an absolute, there is no one we see on a daily basis, with blue eyes and with which we have a non-verbal relationship!

We are becoming very confused by these comments. We are concerned we may be having black outs and actually commenting to ourselves. We have wondered if there is possibly a new Alter, who has not revealed herself. We have also wondered if someone is "messing" with us........ If this is the case, we want you to know, Anonymous, you are abusing us and we won't stand for it. You mentioned a Puppy we thanked on Blogger Appreciation Day. You indicated you "thought" that was you. Well, it is not you! The Puppy is a very close friend of mine, who does not hide in the shadows. We do not want to appear mean, but TRUST is a difficult issue for us. We asked that you reveal yourself, tell us who you really are and why you are commenting in our Blog. If you can not do so, please do not leave additional comments. We must protect ourselves!

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Should Ouselves to Death" - Child Abuse

Do you SHOULD yourself?

'We' should ourselves all the time. "We should have told, we should have fought back, we should have ended our life, we should have ended HIS life, we should have fought Mother when she beat us, we should have run away.....we should have, we should have, we should have........................

What is 'should have's motivation? Shame, guilt, fear, self-loathing, self-blame, anger, rage, all of these and more. Will these feelings ever go away? Are we doomed, to live forever with these negative thoughts? Each of "us" have our own demons. Each of "us" have our own self-defeating ideas of what we 'should have' done. 'Should haves' serve no purpose, it is what it is. Monsters ruled our lives. We had no control over them. We were forced to forfeit our own power. We were without boundaries, because no one around us respected or allowed them. We were forced to splinter, rather than face death.

"WE SHOULD HAVE"

We should have been held and loved
so we may hold and love.

We should have been heard and believed
so we may hear and embrace truth.

We should have been guided on our journey
so we may find our way.

We should have been protected and saved
so we may protect and save others.

We should have been told we were cherished
so we may cherish ourselves.

We should have been spared all the pain
so we may be free of hurting our others.

We should have been afforded happiness
so we may live with joy.

We should have..........

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Bloggers Appreciation Day" 2009

So sorry to be late with my post for this very Special Day...but I have been ill.......

I am very new to this and am not very techie....so here's goes!

I want to thank everyone who reads my Blog! I especially want to thank the following for their support, blessings and comforting words:

JBR - JustbeReal - Safe Hugs to you, my dear friend. You always bring me comforting words, even as you are going through crisis.

Steve E. - AnotherSoberAlcoholic - Thank you for making us smile, even when we feel hopeless. I have so much respect for you!

Marj - SurvivorsCanThrive - You are so special, and my very first Blogger friend!
Thank you for your encouraging words and your hugs.

Thank you to my friend, the Puppy, for sending me your thoughts and love through Email. I don't know what I would do without you!

Vague - You are the very first person with the same condition, as I have to, reach out to me. I have no words to express how very much that means to me. Safe Hugs to you.

I feel blessed to have met all of you and hope that you will remain in my life for a very long time.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Using Your Anger"

Met with Doc today. The poor man actually stayed up until 2AM, reading quite a pile of my posts. He has been covering for a Colleague and had not had the time. I was like, Doc, thank you so much, but I felt bad....he looked tired. He's a caring man, and I am so lucky to have found him.

So on to the topic at hand....Using your Anger. That image on the left....well now it's above....THAT is exactly how I feel when Anger "comes out". I feel all hot, my heart pumps fast, things seem blurred and there is always that BLACK spot. I never realized what that BLACK spot might represent until today. If I am understanding Doc, that spot is the motive behind Anger. Let me explain...as a child, being abused, no one caring, no one attempting to find out why I acted the way I did, I used ANGER to "act out" my feelings. That is what Children of Abuse do! Yes, as a child, we were always called rotten and told we were "having one of our fits", whenever we would show anger. Our anger was not directed at anyone, we did not hurt anyone, we just had no other way to "try" to get some one's attention, hoping someone, anyone, would help us. Of course no one did and that is why we have so much rage bottled up inside. "ANGER" comes out, and I stand aside and watch, finding it difficult to grasp the truth, that this is me, well part of me. Sometimes...well more times than not...ANGER acts just as Mother did when we were children. Loudly complaining, slamming doors, even scaring my dear beautiful Puppy....for which we are so deeply sorry. Can you even imagine how much we do NOT want to be like Mother? Well, today, with Doc's expert help, I realized I am not at all like her. In her fits of anger, she lashed out at me, hit me, beat me and told me how worthless and ugly she thought I was. I would never hurt anyone physically....especially a child! This was a wonderful revelation to me today. I am NOT like Mother!

We are still searching for ways to handle ANGER....perhaps I should use the word calm ANGER, after all, ANGER is an alter, and part of me. I have been going to my bedroom of late, when ANGER 'comes out'. We have feelings of remorse and embarrassment and shame after ANGER leaves. So by taking all of us into isolation, we don't have to feel those awful feelings. Isolation, though, is not the answer. I don't have the answer...yet....I will find it.

Peace!
Susannah~~~~ and "others"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Renewal of Life" - Child Abuse Carnival

"Renewal of a Life"


A child's life shattered
into many pieces.

Memories, unclear, lost
pain remembered.

Deep inside, a need for life
to own one's Spirit.

To be loved and renewed
the desire to live with joy.

To become whole
and feel alive.

Casting the demons away
bringing freedom to the Soul.

Bring the spring rain
Cleansing of the broken body.

Tiny bud, impatient
to come forth with life.

Experience the scent
of life's renewal.

Finding comfort among the thorns
no longer feeling the pain.

rainbow~~~




"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Mother Not Wanting To Get Involved"

Spoke with Mother today. She wanted me to know that she can not get involved in what is happening between my Sister and myself. She can not take sides. She does not want to be in the middle. She wants me to understand that my Sister is "the way she is" and will never change and that I will have to accept it, just like everyone else. I wanted to scream back at her...when did you EVER allow yourself to be involved in anything? When have you EVER protected me or my Sister? Of course, I did not scream at her. I put on "my good daughter face" and said I had no such expectations....nor did I seek to put her in the middle of anything. Poor, poor Mother.....always thinking of herself, and how things may affect her and the hell with everyone else.

I have thought of writing to my Sister, but I know she would not even acknowledge the letter. How can I continue to reach out to her, when turns away from me, again and again. I just don't know what to do. I am in so much pain about this distance between us. This is not new. This dislike of me, started long ago. I found some of her High School Year Books, a few years back, and my face in every picture, in every book, is either cut out or has been made to look like the devil. Why? Has she turned all of her anger about the abuse toward me? Does she blame me? Am I to blame? No, no, no...I was just a little girl, just as helpless as she. Does seeing me, or talking to me, bring back the horrible memories? I may never know.

This I do know. Mother goes to church just about every day. Then turns around and calls me to tell me something, anything, negative about someone she saw there. How much of a hypocrite is she? I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I cried myself to sleep last night and have been crying off and on all day today. I'm going back into depression....once again. I'm not feeling very strong. I am so afraid I will fall into the dark abyss and never resurface again. I feel so terribly lost and alone.

Sueann

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Run And Rally To Stop The Silence"

R - Rape
A - Abuse
I - Incest
N - National
N - Network

National Sexual Assault Hot Line
1.800.656.HOPE (Free. Confidential. 24/7)

FEAR prevented me from telling anyone of the Incest. FEAR that I would not be believed. FEAR of retaliation/death by my abuser. FEAR that all of it was my fault. FEAR for my Brother and Sister, also being sexually abused. FEAR that perhaps it WAS just a "Game" and I was just "dirty" thinking it was wrong. FEAR that I would be labeled "the girl who's biological Father molested her". FEAR of being hated for my part in the sexual abuse, though not willingly. FEAR of Mother, who was physically abusive. FEAR of being alone. FEAR of being crazy. FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!

I was probably about 4 years old, when the sexual abuse/incest began. That is when my parents separated for the final time. "The Dad" had visitation rights on all Sundays. He took full advantage of his visitation rights by sexually abusing me, every chance afforded him. Sometimes in his car, other times in his bed. How many years did the sexual abuse last? I do not, as yet, have the answer to that question. I am aware, it changed my entire life. I am not the person I was "meant" to be. Actually, I am many people. As a result of the sexual abuse, I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder, once known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I am an Adult Survivor of Child Sexual/Incest Abuse, currently in Therapy, on a weekly basis. I am slowly recovering memories and learning ways of coping with my Mental Disorder.

The "Run and Rally to Stop the Silence" is an amazing contribution in bringing greater awareness to the growing epidemic of Child Sexual Abuse. I am honored to be a small part of this effort. I wish I could be there in Washington, D.C. on April 19TH, joining other Survivors, but as I can not, I dedicate this Post to all those in attendance that day. Stopping the Silence, educating children and encouraging them to TELL, is the first step to wiping out this horrific, despicable crime.

Remember, there are NO bad children, only bad Adults!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"SISTERS"

Why would two Sisters, who had both gone through horrific abuse together, grow so far apart?

This is a question we ask ourselves so many times. Our Sister wants no relationship with us. She never calls us, or returns calls we make. We don't understand. We want nothing more than to be friends and Sisters, and to be close. As we have mentioned before, we live a six hour drive away from our family. We do all the visiting. It has always been that way. Through the years, even though we had flight benefits at work, we chose to spend nearly all our vacation time visiting our family. We could have traveled the world, yet we chose to spend our free time with our family. Why? Is it out of some obligation we feel? Could it be we feel guilty because we left home as soon as we graduated High School, leaving our Sister and Brother behind? Our Sister soon married after we left home and began having children. We loved her children and spoiled them with gifts....we still do. But the relationship between us and our Sister seems to have withered and died. We are close in age, 17 months apart. Yes, there were the usual Sister type arguments over clothes (they were scarce...the clothes...) and chores and things you think are important in your teen years. We are adults now. We no longer argue. We no longer talk about much of anything. When we visit home, we stay with Mother. Our Sister comes down and stays at the most 30 minutes, then she is gone. She never invites us up to her house, just us, without Mother. We have learned in "T" that we took the brunt of the abuse. We protected our Sister and Brother whenever possible, even taking their place so they would not be abused. Why does my Sister dislike me? You can not imagine how very much this hurts! Today, a Holiday, we waited, hoping she would call. She did not. We called Mother and during the conversation we asked if our Sister had mentioned us, asked what we were doing for the Holiday. Mother answered no....she had not even asked about us. We were so upset, we had to end the conversation. We were in tears. We know that our Sister is doing the very best she can, handling what the abuse did to her life. We accept that she did not choose "T", she did not work on her issues. She turned to drinking to ease her pain. We have tried, many times, to develop a relationship with her, but are always pushed away.

Why do we feel so sad and unloved when someone turns away from us? We know that there is nothing more we can do and we must accept we will never have a relationship with our Sister. Why is life so difficult? Why do we feel we have done something wrong, that we are disgusting and unlovable? Why doesn't our Sister love us?

"us"


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"BLESSED EASTER/PASSOVER"

A Happy and Blessed Easter/Passover to all! I grabbed this prayer while visiting "Rambling Stuff"....my thanks!

On this Holiday, please remember our troops, far away from home and loved ones.


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Is This Switching?"

I have to wonder, sometimes, exactly what are the "signs" that an alter has come "out", or "switching" is about to or has occurred.

I, Susannah, am speaking for all of the "others" tonight. I have been experiencing the following:

1. Headaches
2. Ringing in ears
3. Problems writing the number 8.
4. Problems with spelling.
5. Changing from ok to red hot anger.
6. Thoughts that are alien to me.
7. Depression
8. Panic/Anxiety Attacks
9. Unable to breathe.
10. Looking at my hands and realizing they are not mine.
11. Losing items, then finding them in unusual places.
12. Feelings of dread.
13. Feeling smaller than everyone and everything.
14. Tired most of the time.
15. Forget fullness
16. Fuzzy or Blurry Vision
17. Voices sound loud.
18. Noise, in general, is irritating.
19. Thoughts of suicide.
20. A strong desire to run away.

If anyone reads this and has knowledge of DID, please leave a comment regarding the above.

Susannah~~


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"That Lonely Feeling"

We are feeling very lonely tonight....odd to say, when we seem to have several heads around us all the time. But, yes, tonight is lonely.

We haven't really discussed our marriage, finding it a difficult subject to broach. We rushed into this marriage, only knew the man for 3 months. To this day, after 2 years of being married, we do not know anything about him. He is quiet. He shows no empathy towards anyone....but we don't think this may be his fault. He shows other signs of possibly having Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of Autism. Sometimes at night, laying in our own bed, (we do not sleep with him) we feel afraid. We don't really know him, or what he may be capable of doing to us. He shows very little emotion. He is quiet....did we already mention that? He knows nothing of why we go to therapy once a week, nor does he ask. We have no support from him. We did tell him before we married, that we had been abused as children....he never responded....and has never asked or mentioned it again. You may be thinking, well he does not want to hurt us by talking about that subject. No, we believe he does not even remember that we told him. We have no idea why we are married to him. The actual marriage ceremony is a blur...like it really did not happen....but of course it did. We look at pictures from that day, we feel nothing, but anger. Anger at our selves for being in this situation..... We just want to live alone. We want to be left alone. We want to work on our Journey. We want to care for ourselves. We want to write and write and write, without someone walking in, looking over our shoulders. We don't want to hurt anyone and we know he will be hurt if we leave him. We are so lonely. We know how very important "support" is, while we work so hard trying to make sense of our lives. Hell, we have no one! No one close to us....not living near us. We have no one to sit with and just talk. Living with someone and being this lonely is just not right.

"us" and we are not feeling sorry for ourselves...just saying how it is....Melinda 1-6

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Just Need To Write"

Susannah called and left a message for Doc. Doc called back. We discussed Melinda's memory and what occurred, being unable to breathe. Doc assured us we would be alright, then Doc told us if we should remember more and are having a difficult time, to leave a message and Doc will see us. What a dedicated, caring and supportive Doc!

I feel this tremendous need to write tonight. Maybe I'm on some bazaar "high" from the memory....I dunno. I'm grateful for the memory and in a strange way, I feel, this has been a great accomplishment. The memory sucked, but I feel a little lighter, not so "in the dark" about the sexual abuse. Perhaps, Melinda will share more, we all hope so.

The above picture reminds me of a prayer.....yes I said prayer :) ....that Melinda said each night. It goes like this....go ahead Melinda...it's ok.

Angel of God, my guardian dear.
To whom God's love entrusts you here.

Forever this day, be at my side.
To light, to guard, to rule and guide.

Amen

Melinda never missed a night reciting that prayer to herself. She believed strongly in her Guardian Angel, she talked to her Guardian Angel. The prayer made her feel so safe.

It was mid-year in 6TH grade, or so Melinda is telling me, that things changed. She began having nightmares, wetting the bed, experiencing dissociation and felt fearful all the time. She disappeared one night, into her head, after crying for hours, not being able to stop and not knowing why. Mother took her to the emergency room. Melinda was still crying uncontrollably. Melinda has no memory who may have calmed her down. It was a Doctor...she thinks. She remembers the words "having a breakdown" and "should been seen by a Child Psychologist"...she does not remember Mother's reactions at all. Melinda thinks she may have been given a shot, and then feeling as if she were floating. She remembers one visit to the Child Psychologist, the first visit. She was shown pictures of a dog story. She was the baby Puppy, and there was a Mother and Dad Puppy. In one specific picture, the Dad Puppy was kissing the Mother Puppy and there were hearts all around there heads. She, being the baby Puppy, was standing off to the side, glaring at the Mother and Dad Puppies kissing. Melinda says her true feeling about that picture was one of disgust and a yucky feeling in her tummy. But she was ashamed to tell the Dr. that, she felt he would think she was bad. So she lied. She told the Dr. she did not know why the baby Puppy was angry because the Mother and Dad Puppies were kissing. One last thing she remembers about that first visit, the Dr. put her into a room full of toys. Stuffed Animals, dolls, coloring books and crayons...etc. In the middle of the room was a child's size chair. Melinda says she walked over to that chair and sat down and that was that. She did not touch one single toy in that room. They were not her toys, and she did want the Mother to get angry at her, so she did not play with any of the toys. What Melinda did not know, the Dr. and Mother were watching her, observing her, judging her reactions to the toys, she guesses. She saw this Doctor for an entire year, but remembers only this first visit. Melinda - grades 1 through 6, went "inside" after that first visit. Folding downward into the arms of the Guardian, feeling safe and loved in the Chambers. She remained there for many years. She emerged, during the first stay at the Nut House, through her Poetry and art work. Today, she colors with Doc, she draws pictures ...oh and hides things from the "others". Today, she was miraculous, in giving "us" a memory, that has been covered in black for a very long time. We thank you, Melinda, and we love you so much.

Susannah~~~ Peace!
(writing as she listens to Melinda grades 1 through 6)

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Things That Are Loud"

Today we went to "T". We go every week, on Wednesdays. Each week our Doc gives up over half an hour of his "own" time to dedicate to "us". That is such an awesome gift that he gives "us". We would not trade our Doc for anything!

The subject of noise, or noises, was the topic "we" were going to talk about today. However, "T" has a way of it's very own. "T" leads us, at times, into territories that are so frightening, places deep within, that we would rather avoid. <----------- See that word, avoid or avoidance is "our" tool. It keeps us safe, does not let us wander into the recesses of the horror of our life. Today, we dropped our tool of avoidance and pushed full steam ahead. We talked of things never uttered to a single soul, ever before. We explored our sexual abuse and the possibilities, and probable acts of sexual abuse that most certainly occurred. "Switching" was rampant. In and out, words of denial, fear of remembering, head aching, tummy upset, noises, whispering and finally silence. "T" ended, but the feelings remained on the outside, like a festering wound, bleeding and oozing. We have bits and pieces of memories of the sexual abuse. The act or acts still elude us. Today after "T" we were HIT with a vivid disgusting memory. Immediately we could not breathe! Gasping for air, feeling dizzy and wondering if our heart would burst from lack of the air we needed so desperately. We made it through, we survived, just as we survived when the actual act happened. We feel weak and nauseous and our head hurts so badly. BUT we survived..........

A Poem in honor of Child Abuse Awareness Month and National Poetry Month:

"Things That Are Loud"

A heart breaking
Sly whispers in the night.

A Mother's voice,
A Father's laugh.

A Sister's blank stare,
A Brother's addiction.

The voices inside,
The feelings inside.

Reflections in the mirror
Pretense and secrets.

The loss of innocence
Unspoken screams.

Tears.....

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"LOVE"

What is Love? The free Dictionary by Farlex defines love as:

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

OK...well those definitions are not completely clear to me. There is "love" of family....does that fall under definition number 1? There is "love" between 2 people...a romantic love...so that must be definition number 2? I love my dog...which definition does that fall under? There is "love" of Country, "love" of music, "love" of Nature.....enough with the "love" already!

I asked Doc in "T", "do you believe that there is one true "love" out there for everyone?" His reply....was his reply. What do I believe, you may wonder? I believe "love" is just a cover-up. I believe "love" is dangerous and even harmful. I know, you are thinking...this chick is really messed up...but in my experiences "love" has never felt good. Perhaps I just won't allow "love" into my life, because I have always gotten hurt, in the end. And that's another thing....it always ends. At the end, there is more pain and heartache. Then the cycle of "what did I do wrong" and "why does everyone leave me" begins to unfold. Emotional pain follows and then for months I am a complete mess. Why put myself through all of this? Just so I can say "I have found my soul mate, my true "love", my partner for life? Then feel absolutely tortured when they leave? I have been alone more years in my life, than I have been "with" anyone. Yes, loneliness, at times, can feel rough, but you can be "with" someone and still feel extremely lonely. Please don't tell me it's because I have not found the "right" person, because I do not believe in the existence of that "right" person. Many of us in "T" have talked countless times about 'unconditional love', which includes such virtues as selflessness, friendship, acceptance and respecting the boundaries of others, among other adjectives. Sorry, if I sound harsh, I just don't buy the "love" and the 'right' person scenario! Yes, I also know what God has to say about unconditional love and for those lucky people, still having a connection to God, good for you and I respect your beliefs, and I envy you that connection.

Have I ever felt that I was "in love"? Of course, I have, and I paid dearly for those feelings. Love, in my opinion, leads you down a path of destruction and ultimately abandons you into a dark abyss.

Susannah~~

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month and National Poetry Month. The following is a Poem I wrote a few years ago:

"Love"

Unleashing the black pain which beats down and ultimately entraps
the spirit, the life deep within one's being.

Destroying joy and laughter, the spiritual soul. Dreams are no more.
There is no longer life and no longer a reason to hope.

To be free of others and of all emotion....to live unhurt.

Love is a poison.
Love is evil.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"To My Brother - I Miss You So Much!"

Tonight, I post in memory of my Brother.

He was the youngest of the 3 of us, born to the same sick Father. He never lived a day with Him...thank God! My Brother was killed in a construction accident 9 years ago, on April 6TH. I miss him so much! I had experienced the death of my Grandparents, various Aunts and Uncles, even my son, but nothing prepared me for the horrible grief of losing my Brother.

I was living in Texas, the night my Niece called me. She asked if I had heard from my Mom, or her Mom or from anyone in the family. I, of course, knew right away something was terribly wrong. She proceeded to tell me that my Brother had been in some type of accident and had been taken to a hospital in Pittsburgh, close to where he was working on a construction job. The fear I felt is indescribable! After calming down my Niece, I began calling Information for hospitals in that area. I called them all, until I found the one where he had been taken. I was put on hold, then a woman came on the line asking how I was related to him. I told her, she asked that I please hold. The next voice I heard was my Brother's fiance. She just said "he's gone". I know that I screamed NO and that I began crying. I know that I asked what had happened, how he had died. But it was as if I was standing outside myself, watching in disbelief. This could NOT be true! Not my little Brother! I called my best friend and she arrived at my apartment, in what seemed liked minutes. I understand now, that I was in shock. My friend, packed my clothes, called the airline and set up a stand by flight for me to leave the next morning to fly home. I was unable to function. I felt confused, dazed, unreal and so dead inside. That night, as I lay in my bed, I was looking down at myself, watching as I cried out his name. I begged God to take me instead. I begged God to bring him back.

I was picked up at the airport by my youngest Brother and his Wife, the next day. Both of them looked as if they had not slept at all. On the ride home, they told me about the accident. My Brother was driving a large truck, carrying the last load of slag that day. When he began driving down the mountain, the brakes gave way on the truck. My beloved Brother had a choice that day, as I am told by his then co-workers. He could drive straight down the mountain, killing 4 co-workers in his path....or....he could drive the truck into the mountain, most certainly killing himself. He chose the latter. He is a hero, in my eyes. He gave his own life for others. It took me a very long time to accept this. I was so angry at God and at my Brother! For a very long time, I cried and screamed at God to give him back to me! I made appointment after appointment with Clergy, looking for an answer as to why God took my Brother. No one had an answer, or least none that would satisfy or take away my anger and the feeling of such great loss.

Tomorrow will be nine years since he left this world. There are still times, when the unimaginable grief hits me, when I know I will never again hear his laughter, his voice or feel his hugs. I am crying, now, as I write this. I never knew anyone could possibly miss someone this much. I will never understand why God took him and not me.

Soon after his death, a night that I was sobbing, I felt an arm across my shoulders. I know it was my Brother, comforting me. I wish I could feel that again, right now, just one more time.

I love you, my Brother, and will never stop missing you so very, very much.

"Sis"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Child Abuse Awareness Day Is Tomorrow!"

Tomorrow, April 4Th, is Child Abuse Awareness Day.

I am so very happy to say there are close to 200 people that have joined this event! Along with several Bloggers, many have joined on FaceBook. This means so much to me! When I decided to create the Event, it was with much trepidation. I had no idea if it would be embraced. Child Abuse is a difficult subject to talk about, to read about and to write about. I hope that I have opened the minds and hearts and have brought greater awareness to all those participating in the event. I thank you from my heart!

Safe Hugs
"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Headaches"

Headaches have become a huge part of our life the past few months.

In "T", we learned, Headaches can mean another Alter is about to surface, emerge or form. We have searched the Internet and can not find any information pertaining to headaches and new alters. These headaches are severe and are accompanied by nausea. We just want them to go away! Normally, during and after "T", we have a headache. We feel this is because we are working so hard to recover memories and learning to deal with and accept DID. We just want them to go away!

If anyone has any information regarding Headaches, possibly caused by DID, please let us know.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"T" Today - Apparently I Am NOT Invisible!

"T" today was a real "awakening" for us.

Our main subject....apparently I am NOT invisible! What is apparent, some people can be self-centered, or possibly they just don't like me, or they have their own issues....but that is okay. Contrary to how I felt, it is not about me, it's their problem. Was it selfish or self-centered of me to think it was about me? Was I wrong in feeling hurt? Is it wrong to feel unworthy of being cared about as a person?

Child abuse destroys self-esteem. Child abuse causes one to feel unlovable. Child abuse causes distorted feelings about one's worth. The horrid things that were inflicted on me, as a child, caused me to wish I were invisible! Now this makes sense! If I had become invisible, I would no longer be hurt. There is still that "sting" when I am purposely ignored, but I have to remember that is one of the ways Mother abused and neglected me...by ignoring me for days! Therefore, when I am ignored now, as an adult, I immediately feel I have done something wrong and I deserve the silent treatment. The truth is...or so Doc told me today...I am a good person, I have and show empathy for others and that I have a great amount of courage to write this Blog. An issue, I have repeatedly brought up in "T", is the fact that I have not made any contributions to this world, that I have just been battered and scattered! Why was I even born, is a question I have ask myself many times. What is my purpose in life? Doc helped me understand, that by writing my life in this Blog, I am giving to others. If I can help just one person get through their own horrors of Child Abuse, by telling my story, by writing my Poetry, then I will know I have created something "good" from all of the "bad" that has happened in my life. I'm going to hang on to that thought....hold it very close to my heart, and every now and then, when I am feeling "invisible", I will remember, I do have a purpose and I am a good person.

Rainbow~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".