"Apparently I Am Invisible"

Have you ever felt as if you were invisible?

Countless times in my life, I have been in a small crowd of women, all talking, laughing, conversing about life in general. All seems to be going along just great, until I try to add to the conversation. Apparently, I become invisible. They go on talking, as if I have never said a word. No one glances my way. So I wait for another opportunity, another subject, perhaps one that I feel my comments would be appreciated. All to no avail, I am ignored and I am so very hurt. Immediately, I begin worrying that "someone" has come "out" and said something totally alien to the subject at hand. Eventually, I just stop making any attempts to be in the conversation. This has been happening to me since I was a child. Now I know I am not the most intelligent, or interesting, or humorous woman in the world. But I am here! I am not invisible! I gave up years ago trying to come to some plausible explanation as to why this happens. However, that does not mean it no longer hurts....because it does, so much so, that I attribute these incidents as being part of my Agoraphobia.

At this point in my life, I am on-line....a lot! I belong to a group, and we are all friends, although we have never met. It's a forum, open to any and all conversations. Someone will post, then another will add their comments to that post and it then becomes a conversation. Once again, I become invisible! Why???? Today, I posted, in a loving gesture, to someone who has just lost a loved one.....nothing.....no thank you....nothing. Right after me, someone else writes a post and immediately that post is acknowledged! No, I am not paranoid, this is happening. No, I am not invisible, I am here! More importantly, I can read what I have posted, and it is relevant to the subject, which reassures me that "someone" else has not come "out" and written something off subject. Therefore, I am being ignored...but why? I blame myself, of course, that is what comes natural to me. I begin to question myself...what have I done wrong? Am I weird? Am I unlikeable? Have I ever been, well mean to this person? Did something happen between us of which I have no memory? I can tell you this. I have had it! I am completely finished with this particular person. I will never post or relate to her in any way again.

My conclusion.....I AM NOT INVISIBLE!

Susannah~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"No Sleep and Nightmares"

Very little sleep last night. The sleep we did have was filled with nightmares. This morning we feel tired, worn out.

We are gearing up to go to the grocery store. Going out is always a battle. Have you ever had to make a decision, and one part of you believes the decision you have made is a good one, a healthy one? Then suddenly you have this "gut" feeling, that perhaps you made the wrong decision? Well, take that "gut" feeling, and multiply it by many. That is what we feel every single day. Learning to "trust" our decisions, even the very small ones, is so very difficult. We have, not just one voice, but many, to consider. We must find that "middle of the road" to satisfy everyone. Once a decision is agreed upon, the physical action of proceeding is put off, for fear it still may be the wrong decision. If this all sounds confusing to you, imagine, if you can, the turmoil we feel inside.

Agoraphobia reigns this morning. Just the thought of entering the Grocery Store is so frightening! All those strangers! Even though we have a list of what we need, we know we will come home with items we don't need and items we have no memory of buying.

We will let you know the outcome of today's "outing".

"us"

P.S. - we survived our outing. we ignored the "stares", imagined or not. we sort of kept to the store note we took with us.....but where did those cookies come from?

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Validation of Feelings"

When a person (or persons) are having feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness....etc. Validation of these feelings, by another, is paramount!

In our case, our feelings were never validated, as children or as adults. We were always told how we "should" feel or told "no you do not feel that way", or "you feel that way because you are bad". We know we are difficult....we know we can be exasperating, frustrating and just a pain in the arse. One thing we do not do...is feel sorry for ourselves. It may appear that we do, in our writings, but, no we do not. We are very much aware of the many others. in life, who are struggling, emotionally, financially, physically...etc. Emotional struggles can be and are (in our case) debilitating! If our feelings (when we are lucky enough to even have a feeling) are pushed aside and we are told to "get over it"...."move on"...."the past is the past"....it smacks us right back into our childhood! As a result, our feelings shut down! We are needy...yes, at times, too needy, we know this. We are desperately trying to make sense of what happened to us. We need validation from those close to us, that what we are feeling is real, unselfish, and accepted.

We understand that if you have not "walked in our shoes", you can not possibly understand. All we ask is that you accept "us" and love "us".....as we are.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"We Are Lost"

We are so very depressed today. Feels like everything is hopeless. We don't want to face another day. All joy is gone. All interests are lost. No one understands. Our head aches. We are tired. We are in tears and we don't know why. We don't want this fight anymore. We are too weak. Just breathing is difficult. Our arms are leaden, our feet won't move. We feel unloved and forgotten. We just want to go back to bed and sleep...sleep forever.......................



"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Frazzled Emotions"

Funny we wrote Emotions in our title. The majority of the time, we can not define what emotions we are feeling....they seem frazzled.

Emotions can be difficult for victims (it is so hard for us to write that word) of Child Abuse. We have a really hard time knowing what to feel or how to feel or when to feel. We have been told to keep secrets, it's just a game and it feels good. We lose our right to own our Emotions. They are taken away from us, by our abusers. Children of Abuse, are forced to grow up early, and they hold their emotions deep inside. Children being abused, learn to hold their emotions inside for fear of being further abused. So now we are adults. Do we know what emotions we are feeling?

In "T", we are asked...what are you feeling....how does that make you feel? Our answer....we don't know. How do we get back in touch with our feelings? How do we find those long buried emotions and bring them back and "feel" them? How can we look at a picture of ourselves, as a 4 year old, and not feel.....anything for that poor little abused child? Many times, an abused Child, after being severely beaten or molested, will then be comforted by the abuser. How confusing this is to a small child. How tormented their thoughts! They learn to equate abuse and violence with love. They know only what they live. We are crippled emotionally. For an Adult Survivor, trust becomes an issue in every facet of our lives! We trusted, as children, we were painfully hurt and always in anguish. We blamed ourselves, of course. So we go on blaming ourselves for every failed relationship, for every time we lose a job, for everything that turns bad in our lives. We must find our Power, take it back and become strong! Much, much easier said than done.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Anger - Red Hot"

Our anger is out of control!

Every little thing is causing us to spin out of control in anger. Repressed Anger, such as ours, comes out side-ways and sometimes directed at someone near to us. Other times we direct it inward at ourselves. We are so frustrated! We want the anger to stop, the outbursts to stop! We must find a safe and healthy way to release our anger. We have searched the net but can not find anything that "fits" us. Long time ago, we read "The Dance of Anger", but now can not find the book anywhere in the house! We are also missing our Photo Album, all the pictures of us in grade school and pictures of our Grandparents...this saddens us.

We are angry because our life was damaged by abuse.
We are angry because we feel inferior.
We are angry because we feel hopeless.
We are angry because we do not have a family to support us, during this Journey.
We are angry because we are, once again, "stuck" in a bad relationship.
We are angry because it is our fault we are stuck in this relationship.
We are angry because we can tell no one close to us what is happening to us.
We are angry because we are so different than others around us.
We are angry because because our friend will not believe we have a Mental Disorder.
We are angry because we feel so over-whelmed all the time.
We are angry because we can not control our anger.
We are angry because we have no life.
We are angry because we want to hurt ourselves.
We are angry because we can not sleep.
We are angry because we have lost our connection to God.
WE ARE ANGRY.........................

"US"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The "T" Word"

It went pretty good today...actually. Well, no one came "out" and talked....but relayed their information through The Woman...but Doc says that is okay. When "they" are ready to come "out" they will.........

We mentioned in one of our posts about "alters" having names and wondered where they came from. We posed this question to Doc today in "T". His explanation was....his explanation. I still have no clue how these names come about.

OK....Sarah wants to say she "did" come out today and shook Doc's hand...sorry Sarah!

We talked of our recent memories and the horror of seeing my poor friend physically abused. Doc was just as angry as we are about no one helping that poor man! BUT he suggested that we turn some of that compassion inward. We should try to listen to each alters story of what happened to them. That is the only way we will ever have the complete story of our lives. So true, yet so difficult. It's one thing to hear everyone talk at once, but to try to isolate just one story and have everyone listen.....is that even possible? Maybe we are not at that point on our Journey, just yet.

We had another "blurry" day today. Doc looked blurry, and far away from us. That is always very fearful for us. The blurry always happened before something "sick" happened to us. But we see now that it is also a coping mechanism...or perhaps avoidance...during "T".

We came home. Learned one of our very dear friends has been diagnosed with Lupus and suspicion of Leukemia. She has survived Breast Cancer, 2 Heart Attacks, Blood Clots...and now she must fight again! We feel very sad. We must stay positive for her....she needs us.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Trying to Put the Pieces Together"

Tomorrow is therapy day. Everyone has agreed to participate...but then again, everyone always says that and backs out as soon as we get there. Doc is giving us an extra 30 minutes...of his own time..we need to get it together and talk...............


"no way...i will talk"
"depends on the subject"
"you gonna tell him abut the suffocation?"
"no dog n pony show"
"oh goody...bring the new poems...dont forget"
"dont wanna go"
"I AM GONNA RANT!"
"just let the woman talk..she hears us"
"i wont be there i have something else to do"

Fine! whatever We will just stop therapy all together!

"no"
"awwwww i like doc"
"please.....noooooooooooo"
"who will help us put the pieces back together?"
"ha....what back together...what, huh?"
"then pinching will start again"
"noooooooo pinchin hurts"
"oh man bruises will be all over us"
"we already have rashes and itching...drives us nuts"

I am Sueann, I am your host....ha ha ha ha ha host...get it?
Seriously, there is a "host" that could possibly and usually is, from what I have read, the first born, meaning born into this world. Then as the abuse begins, other personalities or "alters" are formed. This way the child does not have to endure the abuse...the child can dissociate and not feel the abuse. The alter takes on the pain. As the abuse continues and new traumas evolve, so do the alters. Along with taking on the abuse, an alter can also "hold" the anger surrounding the abuse and trauma. Thus, one of my alters...ANGER. An alter can "act out"...thus another of my alters.....Susannah. How they get their names...that remains a mystery to me. Something I intend to bring up tomorrow with Doc. This explains my huge blanks of memory in my life. It also explains the strange clothing in my closet and driving and arriving at some unknown destination. It explains why I 'misplace' so many things. Yes, it explains a lot...but some many things I just do not understand about DID. How are we ever going to put all the pieces together, in a way that they fit? Everything seems so scattered.
Sueann~


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Depression and Anger"

Our old friend, depression, is here again! This time it has brought Anger with it.

We can not deal with anything at this point. The feelings of sadness and anger are overwhelming. Every little noise, the phone ringing, the beloved dog barking, the ticking of the clock seem to pierce our brain! Everything is too loud! We want silence! The noises hurt our ears. We can not think! We feel as if we will "lose it" and tumble into a heap of nothingness. We want to be alone. We want to live alone. We want to be left alone. The responsibilities of life are just too much for us, at this point. We feel we are at a junction and all roads lead to nowhere. We have one friend, whom we have never even met...that is our total support system. We love her and appreciate her more than she can possibly know! We don't want to intrude upon her life. We are angry that our "family" members can not understand how much we need them. We are depressed about not being able to go outside. But we are even more depressed when we absolutely HAVE to go somewhere. When we are out and around people, we feel they are judging us, looking at us, staring at us. Their eyes seem to penetrate into our brain, leaving us defenseless. We feel afraid, we feel vulnerable. Our sleep is racked with nightmares of past memories. Our pillow is wet with tears. We are just a hopeless case of crazy people. Is this what life is? Everyone just wants to shut down. Our future seems bleak, at best. We have been forgotten, we are lost and alone. We can't bear to hear about God and his love. We have lost our connection to God. We feel he turned his back on us. Once, we were children of God, now we are children of no one. Our head hurts so much. If only the noises would stop!

"us"

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Emotionally Exhausted"

We did not sleep at all last night. That, in and of itself, is not new. Just too exhausted to write tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~




"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Privacy and the Lack Thereof"

I believe everyone enjoys their privacy. Whether it be a long soak in a bubble bath, or holed up in the den, reading a good book, private time, in my estimation, is something everyone needs just to stay balanced.

In the Haunted House, there was NO privacy. As children, we were bathed by Mother....very roughly, always. We grew up poor, with no running hot water, or even a bathroom. We stood on a chair, in the kitchen, were striped of all our clothing and then washed. Even as children, we felt exposed, degraded, ashamed.

As we grew older, the bathing, by Mother stopped, but the invasion of privacy increased. If my head was in a book, Mother ripped it away from me to find out what I was reading. She went through our school notebooks, our pockets, walked in on us, while we were bathing, she even found the key to our Diary and read it, from front to back. To this very day, when we visit her, she finds an excuse to come into the bathroom while we are using it!

As a result, we MUST have our privacy! Not just in the bathroom, everywhere! It's not just needing our privacy, it's an obsession. We have lived most of our lives, alone. We did marry, twice, but those marriages did not work. We are happier alone and can enjoy our privacy. What is the reason for this great need for privacy? ASK.com gives this definition of privacy:

1. 1. The quality or condition of being secluded from the presence or view of others.
   2. The state of being free from unsanctioned intrusion: a person's right to privacy.
2. The state of being concealed; secrecy.

Do you see the "trigger" words we are seeing? Secluded from the presence or view of others, being free from unsanctioned intrusion, secrecy.....and a person's right to privacy! Our conclusion, Agoraphobia and the great need for privacy go hand in hand.

Poem Time:

Chaffed, raw, reddened child's skin,
Punishment for just being.

Tears of pain, cries, pleading
Never heard or just ignored.

Secrets of youth, stolen without regard
Privacy, a myth, never real.

What cost, privacy
Life alone in seclusion.

"US"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Old Tapes" - Running In Our Head

Anyone who has been in Therapy has been directed to "get rid of the old negative tapes running in your head". Much easier said than done when you have "multiples".

We have attended a Cognitive Therapy Group. We kept the daily chart of negative thoughts that run through our brain every day. We attempted to turn those thoughts around and make them positive. Each and every time, we fall back, we hear the negativity's placed on us, as children.

"you are bad" - we feel bad and responsible for what has happened to us
"you are just like your Father" - we feel crazy, just like he was
"you are fat" - we became anorexic
"you are stupid" - we feel worthless
"it's all your fault" - we blame ourselves for everything
"you made your Grandfather cry" - we are hateful creatures

*** Our Grandfather gave us a horrible beating with a wooden paddle. It left us with welts, that remained for days. After the beating, we ran to our room, sobbing. After a while, Mother came in. She said..."hope you are happy, you made your Grandfather cry!"

"you like it...and it's our special GAME" - we made the sexual abuse continue
"it's your fault your sister has no friends" - we feel guilty
"stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" - we feel so much fear
"people are looking at you, miss ugly" - we isolated
"behave or go live with you Father" - we dissociated
"you are useless" - we became invisible
"do what I tell you, you bitch" - we became a door mat
"God will punish you" - we lost our connection to God

A Poem: "Pictures"

There's a picture of me
at the age of 3
The dark eyes are haunted
and stare eerily.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 9
That seductive pose
can not be mine.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 16
Poised and Perfect
as the Christmas Queen.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 21
Who is that person
pretending to have fun.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 25
Appearing drunk and drugged
and not alive.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 29
Too many losses
no sparkle, no shine.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 34
Now I see the "others"
more and more.

There's a picture of me
with more than one head
Is it the beginning or the end
am I alive or am I dead.

MElinda1
MElinda - grades 1-6
Sarah~~
Susannah~~~


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Poor Man Who Lived Across the Way"

We were up until 3AM last night, sobbing. After the memory of the suffocation, other memories flooded into our brain. The memory I am about to share, is not my abuse, but horrible abuse done to another, that I witnessed.

Across the road, from the Haunted House, lived a Father and Son. The Father was probably in his 60's and the son in his 30's. The son was "deaf and dumb". He made guttural sounds, but could not say anything that made any sense. I was pre-school, at the time. Mother tells the story of when I was just a toddler and was found to be "missing" from the yard. Mother says after searching the entire street we lived on, she was about to call the police, when she spotted me walking up the road, the son holding my hand, bringing me home. I don't remember this incident, but I would bet anything, the Mother yelled at him and probably told him to never take me away again.

As I grew a bit older, I befriended the son. We had no conversations, of course. I remember a feeling of safeness with him. Once, he brought me a stray kitten, as a gift, I guess. No pets were allowed at the Haunted House, so together, we made a little shelter for the kitten behind the son's house. It was our secret and further sealed our bond of friendship. In my Child's heart, I loved and trusted this man. We shared more than friendship and the little kitty, I know now, it was because we shared something else....extreme abuse.

The father walked with a cane. He also used that cane to beat the son about his legs and his back. The son, due to repeated beatings, walked, well....in a crooked way. Many days, I hid behind the Berry Bush in the Haunted House yard, and cried, as I watched that father beat his son, over and over. The son would cry out in pain, in his guttural way. I remember, many times, I ran into the Haunted House, begging, pleading that someone do something to help the son. No one ever did. I was told to mind my own business, to stay away from the son. I never did. I remained his friend, and he mine, until one day, he was gone! I was told he had been taken to a State Hospital. I never saw my friend again. I remember sobbing into my pillow at the thought of never seeing him again. I will never forget him. I am sure he passed away long ago, but he remains in my heart. The kitty, well the old man, the father, killed the kitty with his cane.

I have to ask "WHY" did none of the adults in that town do anything to stop the abuse? Today, I am so angry so horrified that the neighbors just turned and looked away from such horrible abuse! My hands are actually shaking, as I type this post. Why is abuse ignored? How can people just turn away? Where is God while these atrocities are happening? I will never understand the refusal of people to intervene and stop abuse!!!!

Sueann~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Borrowed From Real Gal - With Permission"

A new Friend, also a Blogger, gave me permission to copy some things from her Blog. The following list has been modified to fit "our" choices. Thank you, my friend!

"Childhood Choices"


We were forced to make choices in early childhood, which were appropriate then, but are not appropriate now, and yet they continue to govern our experience of life at an unconscious level. It would be wise to review those choices made in childhood.

Here is a list of choices typically made when we were very young. Can you identify the choices you made and the consequences that you might still be living with because of these early choices?



I choose to repress the feeling of hurt because it is too much to bear.

I choose to repress the feeling of anger because of a fear of punishment.

I choose to protect my heart, by shutting down to love.

I choose to give up asking for what I want, because I believe I won't get it.

I choose to disconnect from my needs, because I believe they will not be met.

I choose to hide myself from others, because I am afraid of their judgment or disapproval.

I choose not to speak out because no one listens.

I choose to blame myself for all that has happened as a way of avoiding the truth that I was unloved.

I choose to live with denial rather than remember and release myself from the past.

I choose not to be a victim in the hope that someone will see me as real.

I choose to avoid trying because of the fear of failure.

I choose not to judge others hoping they will not judge me.

I choose to give up my power, rather than take it back.

I choose to not acknowledge others, because I feel unacknowledged.

I choose to attend to others because I need to be attended to.

I choose to be in my mind because I am seeking a solution there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am seeking to escape there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am hoping to find lost memories there.

I choose to please or take care of others as a way of being accepted or included.

I chose to energetically withdraw as a way of protecting myself from being hurt.

I choose to be angry or aggressive as a way of gaining control.

I choose to seek attention, acknowledgement and recognition as a substitute for love and acceptance.

---

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Alters"

I accept that I have "alters". I thank and appreciate them. They took on the pain and protected me. But....it is still all so confusing to me. Where did their names come from? Must all "alters" have names? Do "alters" remain the same age as when they came to be? Are all "alters" of the same sex? Why do some "alters" speak about the suffering they experienced when other "alters" keep their memories locked up? What happened to "me", am I still here? Am I "The Woman" who takes us to Therapy? Do the "alters" believe they are real? Oh wow, that question just started a full blown attack on my brain! Let me put it another way. Do the "alters" remain forever.... oh ouch......that's not working either........
Let's see if we can work this out.
When the Incest was perpetrated, an "alter" was born to protect who....me? Am I the 'core'? I understand that we all live in this one body. I just can't wrap my brain around the conception of the "alters" and how it relates to me....in a physical sense. Are you confused....because I am!

it was me, melinda1.

Time for a Poem.

"MIRROR"

When I look into a mirror
It's not me I always see.

Sometimes it's a grown up Lady
Looking back at me.

Most of the time she's crying
I don't know what to say

So I give her a little push
And I come out to play.

I like to swing or color
Or write poems, just like this

Or hide things from the "others"
And laugh when they are missed.

The times when I am so afraid
I'll lose myself, as me

I look into the Mirror
And no face is there to see.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Testing My Limits"

Because we have such a difficult time speaking up in Therapy, we decided to "try" to have a conversation amongst ourselves........in a post. We have them in our head, so why not here and in Therapy?

"Will you, speak up in Therapy next week?

"Who ya talkin to?"

"All of you!"

"Depends...on the subject"

"about what?"

"ya want i shuld try...."

"Ya want a dog and pony show?"

"not redy to talk."

"We could talk about the Church". +

"not talkn about nothn."

"Hey I'll talk, in fact I will talk the entire session." ~~

"I'm too embarassed to talk."

"I'm too ashamed to talk."

"im afeared i won't be believed."

"im pretty stupd...i dohnt thnek i shud talk."

"i can't talk....i'm too young."

"just don't talk about the memories painted in black..not yet."

OK then...looks as if some of "us" will talk next session...you will be held accountable...ok......
k
k
nah
nah
nah
nah
k
k
k
giggle
cry

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Suffocation"

While browsing the web, I found a list (pertaining to incest) of "triggers" that can cause "switching" of alters. One "trigger" on the list was the feeling of suffocation. This immediately brought back a memory!

When I was 6, maybe 7 years old, I began to have an irrational fear of water on my face. I had very long hair and of course, Mother insisted on washing it every other day. I remember holding a wash cloth over my face, I guess to keep the water away. One hair washing day, it was like BAM! I could not breathe! I hear the screams of that little girl, as she struggled to get away from Mother. I hear the panting and gasping of the suffocation. I "feel" how her little heart pounded, I "feel" her fear coursing through her small body. It just came out of nowhere and continued for months! The Mother, unable to handle the little girl, began sending her to a Great Aunt to have her hair washed. The Great Aunt was a strict and very mean woman! She had no compassion for the little girl and even held her head under the water when the little girl struggled and cried. It was pure TERROR! Following soon after, the little girl could not tolerate anything being taken off over her head...like a T-shirt. She felt she would die! Her breathe literally being closed off! During this same period, things began to appear bigger than they actually were...such as the refrigerator...it seemed to loom to the ceiling of the Haunted House. People seemed to move away from the little girl, in slow motion, growing smaller and smaller. She felt isolated, alone and dying. She was fearful of everything. I remember that now. How terribly horrible for her! No one cared. No one offered comfort or hugged her. All she was given was punishment for being such a rotten brat of a girl. How did she survive? How could she go on living in so much fear? The "others" saved her. They took her place, allowing her to totally blank out and become numb.

"Seeing From Above"

Have you ever looked down from somewhere above and saw yourself?
I have.
Have you ever looked at your hands and they were not yours?
I have.
Have you ever looked in a mirror and the face looking back is not yours?
I have.
Have you ever heard voices whispering in your ear?
I have.
Have you ever been unable to sleep because of all the conversations in your head?
I have.
Have you ever felt so different from everyone around you, that you want to disappear?
I have.
Have you ever felt blamed for every wrong thing that happens?
I have.
Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself, to make yourself feel real?
I have.
Have you ever stood on a train track and then jumped off, just at the last minute?
I have.
Have you ever prayed to die?
I have.
I have.
I have.
I have.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Totally Exhausted"

Nuff said!






"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Aint No One Goin No Wheres"!!!!!!

WTF! Okay, so we had a crummy session.....aint no big deal. What is a big deal is that post right under me! Oh no...we aint never taken the easy way out of anything and we sure as hell are not gong to now! Everyone...listen up! Do you want that bastard pedophile to win? Do you want the Mother to win? Do you want to throw down in defeat? I sure as hell don't! I will stop you! I promise you that...I will stop you! I'll call Doc! All of you know what that means....imprisoned in the Nut House.....again. Nope, aint gonna let you do nothing like that to this body that I live in. What about the little ones? You want to doom them to hell? They don't deserve any more hell than they have already had. I hid the pills! Oh yes I did! You will get one per night and I will be the one to hand them out. Now Emma Grace would like all of us to pray.

Dear God release us, your children, from the tortured memories, painted in black. Open our minds, allow us to speak, help us to heal. We ask this, in the name of your son, Jesus.
Emma Grace+

OK everyone take a deep breathe, relax..... now that's better. We will be OK. I promise all of you, we will be OK.
Peace
Susannah~


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Back From Another Session" - Plan in the Works

We are back from another session with Doc. For whatever reason, we feel today was counter productive. We feel....hopeless.

We presented him with our posts from this week. We asked that he read just the Post about Transference (for now), written by Susannah. While we sat there watching him read, we all started nagging The Woman. "I want to talk today!" " No you talked last week!" "Well I have something important to tell Doc!" "Your stuff is no more important than mine!" We were relentless. After Doc completed reading, he apologized for upsetting everyone last week, explaining it was not his intention to do so. By the time he was finished apologizing, giving us examples of Transference, relating a story about a colleague, who had gotten "involved" with a former patient....well NO ONE wanted to talk! We looked at him, he looked at us......long silence.....then bless her heart Susannah spoke up. She spoke of our current situation and marital status, cussed quite a bit...then she went back to the chambers. I barely remember getting through the rest of the session. In my opinion, this is not working. Once again we have the feeling, Doc is expecting MORE from us, than we know how to give. We don't mean to place any blame here. We can not get it out of our head, that we are expected to "act" in some particular way and are not meeting the expectation! WTF! So we took off and went to the chambers, leaving The Woman, sitting there, not knowing what to do! Perhaps, we should just stop wasting every one's time and just stop Therapy. We muddled through years without it. Yeah sure, our lives were always in turmoil, many blank spaces in memory, losing time...but that is still going on now...so what is the point in going back? If it would only rain! We feel so comforted, when it rains. We just want to sleep...forever. We know a way to do that...and it would sure be forever! We could stop all of this confusion once and for all. But then what about the "little ones", the innocents living in the chambers. We don't want to hurt them. They have endured enough pain. Well, we could do it with pills! Then everyone would just go to sleep and there would be no pain. You are so right! Pills would be THE way! First we have to have a plan. We don't want that guy coming home and finding us in time to help us. Hell, no! Then we would end up in the Nut House and no one wants that...ever again. We feel so depressed and so hopeless. There is no other solution! We tried working on our issues....but to no avail. We can't please anyone...not even ourselves. Ending it is the only way...........

Sarah~ and "others"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Woman"

The Woman, as we call her, has no feelings or memories of her own. She is our conduit. She drives us to Therapy once a week, she sits across from our Dr. and she says what she hears in her head, from us. This is, of course, not always the case. Some of us "come out" and speak for ourselves. Others come out and color or draw pictures. One of us speaks her mind whenever she feels like it. Personally, we don't get this. More importantly, we don't feel our Dr. does either. We are not text book in nature. Very few times, has one alter interrupted another. The Woman has related to the Dr. that as soon as she sits down in the chair in his office, she senses "others" floating around her, mostly around her head. She told the Dr. it's like having more than one head. Sometimes, no one wants to offer anything. So The Woman just sits there, not knowing what she should do. Confusion sets in, and everything appears to be in a blur. The Woman tries and tries to stay with whatever the Dr. is saying, tries to concentrate, but at times, has to ask the Dr. to repeat himself...or asks what were we talking about?

As we have stated in the past, this diagnosis of DID, is, fairly new to us. Sometimes we just don't believe it, even though facts presented show otherwise. Many, many times we have asked the Dr. "Are you sure we are DID?" His reply, always emphatic, is yes you are. Then he goes on to explain why and how he came to this conclusion. Sometimes we listen, other times we are all debating...are we...or aren't we. Why do we have this sporadic disbelief? Well, sometimes we feel our Dr. "expects" something different than what he is seeing from us. We don't feel this is fair. We are who we are and we act as we do. Yes, we can be stubborn and just refuse to come out during sessions. We don't do this to anger anyone....we just don't have the need to talk that day. Sometimes, we are so sleep deprived, we just want some rest. Other times, we just flat out don't want to talk about what has happened to us. It's unfortunate that this happens during session. Talking about the abuse is difficult, but it is the only way we can heal. It creates havoc and fear inside. In all fairness, to our Dr., he allows us to lead the way...and for that we are grateful. He accepts The Woman and if she just sits there and looks at him, well he fills up the silence with guidance, or coloring, or drawing pictures. We just don't want to be compared to "text book" examples of patients with DID. It is what it is and we are who we are....we are "Us".

Sarah~
MElinda - grades 1-6
The Guardian

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Writing Lessens the Anger"

It hurt very much to be a child! Physically and emotionally. We had no outlet for our pain. We were not permitted to show our anger. When anger builds inside, it comes out "sideways", in unhealthy ways, and many times directed at innocent people! We were having some difficult weekends in the past few months. Our anger boiled up and became rage. Anything and everything seemed to be setting it off. We knew if we did not find a way to control it, or a coping mechanism, we may possibly hurt ourselves! Thanks to Therapy, we have now learned that "our" writing does release some of the unresolved anger. It soothes our soul. We know we have a long way to go before we rid ourselves of anger completely, but now we know what to do when it boils up from way down inside....we write!

We have been writing off and on since we were children. The Mother never seemed to appreciate our stories....which was hurtful. One time we saw an ad in a magazine. It read something to the effect...Writers Needed...take our quiz and see if you have what it takes to become a Writer. So, we did...take the quiz, sent it off and then thought nothing else about it. We were in 4Th grade at that time. Upon returning home from school, weeks after we had sent the completed quiz off, we saw an unfamiliar car at the "Haunted House". We walked in the door and the Mother gave us that look...we knew we were in trouble. Seated at the kitchen table was a man we had never seen before. Immediate panic set in...what had we done now? Who was this stranger? He was a representative from the Writer's Publication, whose quiz we had filled out and sent away. The Mother introduced the stranger to us. He smiled and said that he did not expect us to be so young! He went on to say how wonderfully we had done on our Writer's quiz and how impressed he was with our writing. We could "feel" this smile wanting to come out and it was so difficult to suppress it. But one glance in the Mother's direction and we knew we had better not smile, if we knew what was good for us. Well the Mother rushed the guy out the door, apologizing for her "daughter" who had wasted his time. The stranger actually ignored the Mother, and turned to us and asked us to walk with him to his car. We glanced at the Mother, who grudgingly said to go on. The stranger told us.....write something everyday, even if it's just a sentence...but never stop writing. He told us we had so much potential and not to allow anyone to tell us any different. We remember the euphoria that day! Someone actually liked our writing! He went on to ask us to contact his publication, when we were older, and we could talk then about our future. Well, of course we never did. Life sometimes gets in the way of the good things that "could" have happened. Another very important reason we continued writing, is due to the encouragement of our High School English/Lit teacher! He was and is an incredible man! He gave us some very unusual assignments...such as...write and essay about going to sleep at night. Think about it....that is pretty unusual. He read ours to the class! We were so proud! When our first Poem was published...we dedicated our accomplishment to him and his encouragement! He called us on the phone and thanked us, saying no one had ever done that for him and how proud he was of us. The last time we saw him was at our Brother's funeral, almost nine years ago. So we did have some "good people" in our lives, growing up. We thank and appreciate them.

Today, we continue writing because we love it and it is helping us heal. Our Journey, towards healing, is a rocky one. Our writing is our crutch, until we can stand on our own, as one.

Sarah~
MElinda - grades 1 through 6
Sueann

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Bits and Pieces"

I don't remember that I ever had a Teddy Bear. In fact, I don't remember any stuffed animals!

Mother does tell the story, often :( , that I carried a diaper around with me all the time. She said I pretended it was a blanket. She goes on..and on..about how they had to wait until I was asleep to wash it. Yeah, well, if you don't have someone to hold on to...I guess a diaper will do. After the diaper story, she loves to relate how, whenever I would become angry, I would bite my arm....until it bled. My brother (God Rest His Soul) and my sister, as we grew older, made fun of me all the time because as a small child I bit my arm and made it bleed. Well, what are siblings for anyway? Right? My sister, as I remember it, used to roll her bread into little round balls and then eat them. My brother, well, he used to throw himself on the floor and have screaming, kicking, crying fits. What the hell, is this normal behavior for children? NO! Didn't any of the Adults wonder........ why are these children acting this way?

Acting out, is prevalent in abused children. It's a defense mechanism. It's a way of coping. It's how we stayed alive. Sexually abused children are made aware of sex, usually at a very young age. They have been prevented in developing their own sexuality, in accordance with their own developmental time frame. This means that the body and the mind are in two different places! They often become confused about sexuality, sexual behavior and feelings of love and affection. Behind every behavioral problem, is a reason. If a Parent does not gain an understanding of why the child is acting out, no limits are set on inappropriate behaviors.

What does that mean to an Adult Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse? I, of course, can not answer for everyone, but for me the result was poor choices in relationships, the inability to make decisions (DID certainly adds to that one), never finding true and lasting love or happiness. Never feeling accepted, never feeling "good enough", always blaming myself for everything!

Have you ever heard of "Body Betrayal"? In my therapy sessions as we discuss the sexual abuse I suffered, sometimes, not always, I feel that "stirring" of sexual desire. It can not be controlled! Immediately, shame, guilt, fear and disgust overwhelm me! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm told by Doc that it is a totally normal reaction. It does NOT feel normal, it feels dirty and sickening!

In my case, the perpetrator told me it was a special "Game", a secret and not to tell anyone. He also took me to a strip mine (a huge hole in the ground, left after all the coal has been removed), took me right to the edge of it so I would get the full impact of how far down, how very deep the hole was. He told me if I told anyone what he had done to me, he would put me in the deep hole to die. Being told it is "special", a "game", a "secret", is actually comforting and the child goes along with the charade. Gifts are another way of buying the abused child's silence...although, I have no recall of ANY gifts from the "Dad". A child just wants to be loved, protected, comforted and accepted. The "Dad" pretended to do all of these! The lying pedophile bastard!

One day, it is my hope, God will hold us in the palm of his hand. We will feel the love, protection, comfort and acceptance we have been denyed. It could happen...right?

MElinda - Grades 1 thru 6

Sarah~~

Anger!

Emma Grace +

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Learning to Love Susannah"

As time passes and additional posts are written, I am finally seeing what an important part Susannah has and does play in "our" lives.

She came to be, during one of the most difficult and sad times in my life, the death of my only Child. She took over, she saved my life! If not for her, I know I would not be here today. She recognized that I had given into the grief and was letting go of my life. She took charge, ultimately saving me.

Yes, she can be crass and brazen, but I have learned to love that about her! She's a Party Girl and she fit right in....when I never fit anywhere. She also experienced some traumatic times....but that is her story, and is hers to tell. She has charisma! She has spunk! She is also very intelligent. She reads....a lot! She is curious about everything. She smiles most of the time. She has great empathy for the "others" she is slowly getting to know. She speaks up for herself and refuses to take any crap from anyone. She needs to move constantly, her energy level is high. It is, what it is, with her. No pretense and seemingly no inhibitions. That used to terrify me! It still surprises me that I have an "alter" who is so out-spoken. But I am no longer terrified of what she may say or do. I am proud of her! Many of her traits, are ones that I had always wished I could own. She would like to try her hand at Poetry and writing. I say go for it, girl! I don't know of anything you can't do, when you set your mind to it. You are important to me....to "us". We accept you for the loving, caring and protective woman that you are.

Sueann

Child Abuse Awareness Month is April - Save a Child!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"MElinda Writes" - The Poet!

I am MElinda, grades 1 through 6. Here is a poem that I wrote.

"Sunday Dinner"

A battle ground on white linen,
A family relic with no owner.

The weapons, not the knives,
But the words.

One soldier does not speak
Making his anger known through silence and downcast eyes.

Another, complains, her life,
Unfulfilled and brutal.

The leader, with soft voice,
Commands all to feel shame.

Of the three tiny soldiers,
One stares vacantly, while breaking her food into little bullets.

Another demands attention,
With a violence unseen in one so young.

The last soldier is sad,
Knowing she will be the causality of this war.


MElinda~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Medical vs. Psychology" - Treating DIDs

I awoke this morning with emotional upheavel. Feeling sad and drained. I had to ask....what's happening now?

"We" are sad because of the misunderstanding with Doc yesterday (no "transference" here). "We" are drained because a good night's sleep seems an impossibility for "us". "We" are seeing our Primary Care Physician today.

Did you know that 'some' PCP's laugh or sneer at the possibility they are treating more than one "person" or "identity" residing in one body? That treating one physical ailment does not ensure treatment for all "identities" and other possible ailments. Just in my own experiences, I have met two such Physicians. Each "identity" has their own physical ailments, their own set of beliefs, their own emotions, their own needs, their own memories...well you see where I am going here.

DID is a valid Mental Disorder! Why then, is there this vast separation between the Medical field and the Psychiatric field? Don't they talk? Don't they read? PCPs treat the body, Psychologists treat the mind. Shouldn't those with DID be given equal treatment for both? From articles I have read, DID is not readily accepted by the Medical Doctors. They believe it is a very rare Disorder and so they choose to ignore a patients attempt to make them aware of the Disorder. In "the real world", DID can go undiagnosed for many years. It is usually mis-diagnosed as Bi-Polar or even Psychosis. DID can be so subtle, so disguised. It is an extremely complex coping mechanism, nearly always formed in early childhood. Splitting off can continue for many years....and a new identity is established. So in my humble opinion, I believe Medical Doctors choose to ignore so they do not have to "deal" with the oft called Mumbo Jumbo of the Psychiatric field. Ignorance is Bliss, I guess....oh and lots and lots of money, spent by the patient and the Health care System in an attempt to determine what is happening physically to a patient.

Is it any wonder, then, that I had such a difficult time accepting my diagnosis of DID? It is what is it...like it or not...believe it or not...DID exists, it is valid and it deserves all resources available, including appropriate Medical attention!

No wonder "we" can not sleep at night!!!

Sarah~~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Transference" - My Version

The term “transference” refers to the patent’s experience of his or her moment-to-moment relationship with the therapist.

Saw the Doc today, and well, he dropped a bomb shell just at the very end of our session. He began a conversation about boundaries and "transference". He barley had the word, "transference" out of is mouth, when hell broke loose with the "others". The emotions were varied, Fear, Blame (we "lean" towards blaming "ourselves" for EVERYTHING), Shame (but why), Distrust (that's not good between a patient and Doctor), Anger and Betrayal. We rushed out of the office, drove home, pissed as hell. So many voices talking all at once, some bitching about Doc, some wondering what they had done wrong, and some saying, well it was only a matter of time before Doc wanted rid of us. So when I arrived home, I called the office and left him a message that I thought it would be best for everyone, that I not see him for a couple of weeks. Then we went to bed with a gigantic headache and tears on our cheeks.

The above definition of "Transference" really does not fully explain what this means in the relationship of patient and Doctor. Okay, here is my own perception. I was in crisis when I met Doc. We were depressed and anxiety ridden. Countless thoughts raced through our brain at night, keeping us from getting any sleep. After a couple of months in treatment, seeing Doc, we began to feel comfortable, let our guard down, a bit. We found him to be extremely intelligent, kind, warm, in attunement with our needs, plus he has this corny sense of humor...he is a wonderful Therapist. <--------- See all of these incredible things I have said about Doc? All of it could be mis-construed as "transference". In other words, the Doc may hear me say...I look forward to seeing you every week.....but in his head he could be thinking.....this patient is becoming emotionally dependent upon me and I have to nip it in the bud now. If the Dr. is getting this vibe (and I am not infering Doc is), then by all means, he and the patient must set rules and have a conversation about "transference". But, hey, not at the very end of the session, with no time to process any of it! That's...excuse me...Bullshit!

What also exists is "counter-transference". Ah ha! Therapy, when you and the Dr. have a good emotionally working relationship, is a blessing and will eventually help to heal the wounds. I consider Doc a friend, not a social friend, but a friend. Something you may not know about patients in therapy. They have questions. Is Doc married? Does he have a significant Other? Does he lead a happy life? I have been in and out of Therapy for many years, and I know there is a non-verbalized rule....You do not ask your Therapist personal questions! However, if your Therapist volunteers bits and pieces of their private life to you, then you may be looking at "counter-transference". If the patient is having any transference issues not yet known to the Dr., these tiny bits and pieces can potentially be devastating, and ruin the relationship between the two. But I ask you, is it possible to be treated by a Therapist for long period of time and NOT have these types of questions? I say, hell no! It's only human nature to want to know something about the person you spend an hour a week with, the person to whom you spill all your stuff. It's seems a little unfair.....doesn't it? Well, slap yourself on the head if you said yes, it is unfair! "WE" came to this man for help. He is helping "us" rebuild our life and become as one. "WE" are not an easy group! "WE" have no business wanting to know anything about his personal life. "Transference is not easy to understand. You should hear Freud's definition....yowza! There are many takes on "transference" even in the Mental Health World. I guess the way to explain how I feel about it, is this........."No we are NOT going to have sex, but yes, I care about you a great deal." The connection between Dr. and patient must be nourished, or it will wither and die, a painful and sad death.

Peace!
Susannah~~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"America United" - Freedom is not Free!

"I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there."

Mother Teresa

"I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed."Dalai Lama"I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed."

Dalai Lama

The War in Iraq Costs
$603,819,805,508 and still rising!

END THE WAR, REDUCE THE RECESSION AND FEED THE ECONOMY!!!

PEACE!

"Grieving the Loss of a Child"

Today is my son's Birthday.

There will be no Birthday Party with a cake, candles and balloons. Ryan is in heaven with God.

The loss of a child is devastating. The pain never goes away, no matter how many years go by. He is the only child I ever had or will ever have. Along with the pain, I convinced myself it was my fault. I had been abused as a child. The statistics blatantly reveal, abused children have a higher instance of becoming abusers. I honestly believed for many years, that is why Ryan was taken from me....to protect him. I've come to realize, through therapy, there is no potential in me to abuse a child. I can say, with all honesty, I have never even hit a child. I treat all children with respect and love, the way they deserve to be treated. The following is my Birthday Present to my son, Ryan Christopher.

"Was He Really Here"

I see you in the shadows of my mind,
I hear you in the soft breeze of a summer's day.

I feel you in that special place in my heart,
I know that you are with me.

You brought me joy, more than I have ever known,
If even for a short time, it was breath-taking.

Your smile, so sweet and innocent,
I will remember for all time.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Angel,
Mommy's love for you is for all eternity.

Mommy~~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"What Are The Odds?"

What are the odds of becoming a Child Abuse statistic? How many Adult Survivors of Child Abuse do you personally know?
<-------Right here are the odds of becoming a victim of Child Abuse. Of course there is Child Abuse after the age of 4!

Let's narrow it down some.

Child sexual abuse has been reported up to 80,000 times a year, but the number of unreported instances is far greater, because the children are afraid to tell anyone what has happened, and the legal procedure for validating an episode is difficult.

I am an Adult Survivor of Physical/Emotional and Sexual Abuse and Neglect. As an adult and a Survivor, I have to wonder....well, why? Why did I survive and so many children did not? Luck? Fate? I wish I had the answer. There were times, and still are, I thought I would die....wanted to die. But I survived. There is no such thing as mild abuse....abuse is abuse!

I know my life's mission is to bring greater awareness, and by that I don't just mean, oh look everyone, Child Abuse is alive and it is killing our children. My mission goes further than making people aware of statistics. I want people to be ever vigil of your children and the children of every one you know or see. In a Supermarket, watch for child abuse, in Malls, everywhere, even in Churches. It is an ever spreading disease. Report suspected child abuse, just as you would any other life threatening disease! The devastating long term effects of child abuse can be debilitating! There is chronic depression, agoraphobia, dissociative identity disorder, panic/anxiety disorder, trust issues, physical ailments, obsessive compulsive disorder, so many I can not possibly list them all here. I am asking you to watch, listen and if you suspect abuse...REPORT IT! Get involved!

There was an Aunt in my family, who suspected I was being sexually abused by the"Dad". I learned this from my cousins, as adults. My Aunt told no one! My Grandmother, mother to the "Dad", knew for an absolute certainty what her son was doing to his daughter. My Grandmother told no one! What the hell is wrong with people???? These are innocent children being hurt and killed. I just can not understand! Come on people! Do your part to save a child!!

I am hosting an event, through BloggersUnite (http:/www.BloggersUnite.org) on April 4th. The event is entitled "Child Abuse Awareness Month". Please take the time and come join this important event. I will be adding this event on FaceBook as well. I will be posting, Teddy Bears here on my Blog. You can come by and right click and save and then display it in your Blog that day, or use it as your Profile in FaceBook on April 4th. This event is extremely important to me and my friends joining in, is just as important. Think about it, it's one day, one post if you are a Blogger, and a one day change to your profile on FaceBook. Do it for the children!

Sarah~~~

Never miss the opportunity to Hug a Child!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Shatter the Silence" - Yell and Tell!

"ESSENCE"

It surrounded him,
it was his Essence.

He brought it with him
and it remained after he was gone.

When his scent, his smell
would reach me,

Fear, lying deep inside me,
awakened. And my small child body
Trembled.

The smell becomes stronger,
as his hands begin to stroke,
his fingers invade.

I am afraid and I am not.
This is only a "GAME".

He will win the "GAME"
and he will smile.

The smell is more intense,
It is on my hand...he told me to touch him.

The scent is all over me.
I feel ashamed. No one must see me.

He is above me. The scent is over-powering.
I feel held down, my breath is gone....

I want to scream! If I dare scream,
The smell will flow into my mouth and kill me.

The Folding begins.
I am pulled gently down and inward.

I am very, very small.
A tiny dot of light.

I am warm.
I am being held and protected.

I will leave my fear and rage here.
I will leave my silent screams here.

One day, my rage will be rampant
My screams will be deafening.

He is gone.
I must now go back.

I now see that I am alone here.
There is no one holding me.

There is no one here but me....
Holding me.

Rainbow~~~~~~~


Please! Shatter the Silence of Child Sexual Abuse - YELL AND TELL!!!!!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Susannah Writes" - "Our" Dear Friend

So how was your day? Thanking you for asking. It started out rather nicely with RAIN hitting against the roof and the windows. Our Puppy was happy to see "us" after a long night's sleep. She's actually 12 years old, but to "us" she is still "our" Puppy. Into the den, "we" came, to check "our" Email. That's when it happened....all HELL broke loose!

Peace to everyone. I, Susannah, am writing this Post tonight, because "everyone" else is in hiding. "They" are frightened and are feeling used and exploited. So you are stuck with me!

A person ripped "us" off today! Yep, took the words right out of one the posts from this Blog. In all fairness, it was probably not done in a malicious manner. However, this Blog is the story of "our" lives and the words written are not meant to be used in an other's Blog. Well there was a huge over-reaction and this Blog, that was to be a safe haven in which to write "our" thoughts, was almost deleted....by, well "one"of us. Thank God for a wonderful friend of "ours", who shall remain anonymous, we found protection (which is something "we" are not used to having) for our Blog. "Our" friend , and you know who you are, is kind and generous and sweet and loving and puts up with "us", gives "us" support and direction when "we" need it...like today. So dear Friend...thank you from all of "us" and know how much your being there is so special to "us". Peace to you sweetie.

Susannah~~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".