"Update" LOL Steve!

Was planning to wait until the divorce is final before writing again..but "someone" has let us know he is concerned....thank you very much for caring....so this is where we are at this point.

Saw Doc on Monday, for the first time since all of this nightmare began. We were looking forward to seeing him, as we had missed him very much. The thing is, we were unable to "read" him, as we used to....we are at a loss as to what he believes about us. We told the story, we told the truth, but did he believe us? We have no idea. We understand, with our history of losing time, that there is a remote possibility, one of us could have hurt the asshole. But we have discussed this and NO WAY did we do anything to harm him. No, it was not a "we had to defend ourselves" situation either. We have come to accept that there are those that may never believe, will always have doubts about our guilt or innocence. That's okay, we know we did not hurt him....and that is what allows us to sleep at night....finally! We do hope he is NOT sleeping, that his guilt for destroying our spotless record, for upsetting our family and friends, for causing people to doubt us, will relentlessly bother him the rest of his hopefully unhappy miserable life! Do we wish him harm....no.....we just want his days and nights to be filled with remorse and unhappiness.

Divorce should be final by next week...or so we are told by Attorney. Once we have our maiden name back we can finally proceed with all the necessary changes and documents for our extended trip to England. We are very excited!
We have many other thing to do as well....sell the furniture awarded to us, go home for Thanksgiving to say goodbye to our family, and lots of other last minute details.

So there it is...our update.

Peace and Love to all!

"us"

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

WHY, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????

Why do I never get a break? What the hell have I done so wrong in my life, that all of this crap is happening to me?

My sentence - 1 year probation (reporting probation), random drug and alcohol testing, oh, and at my own cost, must go back into counseling, oh, and again at my own cost, paid a fine of $700.00 and am not allowed in any bars. WTH? The Judge entered this sentence per the recommendation of the Probation Officer I interviewed with for exactly 30 minutes! Well, I spoke up! I told the Judge I have plans to move out of the Country, before the end of the year. He asked where was I moving to, told him, he said he has no problem with that.
But first I must get a Mental Health Assessment...wtf! I've been in counselling as my own choice for a long time. Then I must show a letter of Sponsorship from the person I will be living with in England, and they will either change my probation to a mail in..or possibly drop it. All of this...for what? I have never harmed anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So the lying creep gets away with everything! I hate him...with such an intense hatred it boggles my mind. He has caused me anguish, and also my family and friends. May he rot in hell!!!!

So folks that's it!

I will write again on the day my divorce is final so I may celebrate the occasion with all of you, who have supported me always. All of you are so awesome!

S

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

ALMOST AT AN END!

Hello everyone! Been long time since writing...so sorry...just so much going on.

Last week, was court for divorce and settlement of property. Husband made huge ass of himself, by saying unkind and untrue things about me in front of his Attorney and mine. I remained calm, when answering any insults he threw my way...that pissed him off! Will have my maiden name restored. Divorce should be final in less than 30 days! YAY!!!!

So furniture was divided. I do walk through house this coming Wednesday, and place sticky notes on my personal items. Have no idea when I can finally box things up and move them to storage...but hope very soon.

Today is my sentencing for Probation. Oh please do not give me probation!!!! I want to get out of this area as soon as I can. My Attorney thinks I will get a fine only...,but it is a crap shoot...so will let you know what happens.

Got to go..nearly time to leave for court.

Oh and Meri.....yes I know NF is just beautiful....but do you really want "stuck" with all of us? LOL!!! You are a sweetie!

Love to all...thank you so much for your support.

"us"

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"A New Plan"

Hi friends! we have missed all of you, and think of you every day............. please forgive us not posting...so much going on.

Scarlett now safely with parents....so sad to leave her, but had to. she was happy to be back with yus......will see her next month.

mother became very ill while we visit...back in hospital....with blood clot in lung. she better now and home. very scared...we were....very.

new plan for future....move to England. yep, never been there, always want to go there, have friend there...so why not go? Well would be 6 month Holiday...not move there....need to get away as soon as we know what will happen to us in court. next week on 29th is divorce hearing/trial. hv no idea how anything is going as attorney has not called me. then oct. 5th is probation sentencing. oh please, please do not give us probation!!!!!!!!!!!!! we did not hurt anyone...we want to leave country..........pleasssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

still staying with friends. must move as soon as can. hate intruding on people...thaough they say not,. need owm place.

nothing more.

miss you!

rainbow ~~













"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"LONG PAST DUE UPDATE"

Hello friends - we apologize for being remiss in updating. So many things are happening we have just not gotten to write. we miss all of you so much! we appreciate your comments, prayers and word of encouragement so much!

we just completed our probation interview...which we found to be hysterical and humiliating. first....why must we have an interview for probation? it is not as if we are "APPLYING" for probation as one would a job or position. it's to be our punishment. we have been named the abuser, fraud gently, of course, but there is no way of changing that now. my friend, who was appointed to pick up our Scarlett from the VICTIM, so that we may see her, was assaulted by the VICTIM! yes...can you even believe he would do something so utterly lol unVICTIM like? My friend arrives to get Scarlett (on Scarlett's 13th birthday) to bring her to me. we had planned to take her down by the river and spend the entire day with her. we bought her a present and was so looking forward to the day. it was not meant to be. when my friend arrived, Scarlett was leashed and ready to go. then the VICTIM pushed a paper in her face....not a legal document, but something he had one of his friends type up, telling her she must sign it. the paper showed the time Scarlett was picked up and that she would be returned to him that evening. My friend, completely fed up with his bullshit, refused to sign it, stating it had not been a condition set by the judge. he told her she could not take Scarlett unless she signed it. She ignored him, bent down to pick up Scarlett and the VICTIM pushed her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then had the absolute nerve to yell out to the neighborhood......Did everyone see her push me? Well, my friend arrived, holding an empty leash, crying, shaking and so upset. we drove to the police station and she filed an incident report...just so it is on file and because the VICTIM is a complete ASS! he told her the papers he was having her sign were for the judge......so he could show the judge that I do not care about Scarlett because I have not had her picked up often. what he has apparently forgotten is....Scarlett is MY dog...brought into the sham of a marriage....and that he had a PPO against me, not allowing me to come within 150 feet of him. the judge would have laughed in his stupid face. so, my Sister and her husband are currently in town. On Monday, my Sister and her husband will pick up Scarlett...bring her to me and I will take her to live with my parents until this freakin divorce is over.

Next court hearing is for the divorce on September 29th. Upon the request of HIS Attorney (because apparently he is sick of dealing with the ass) my Attorney and I submitted a Divorce Proposal...and believe me...I asked for everything!!!! we are done being nice! we will post and let you know of the outcome.

we must sleep how...we love you....
"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

These COULD be Funny...

the followinf are sime things going on inside our head, as different remarks where being made in court this past friday:

attirney: k you have multiple personalities?
us: ummm yes
attorney: but not like sybil
us: no, mire peeps than sybil and why not LIKE sybil
Attorney; well it's not like you hv different personalitirs
us: yes, different parts in side,,,different personalities, yes
Attorney: Oh...with strqANGE Look on her face
us: thinking...oh niw we r weird,,,and yiu dn;t like us
us: thinking,.,,,r you jewish? shuld we look at you strangely?
Attorney: well you dont do the things that sybil did...right\
us; we lose tijme, end ip places we not know how we getr there
Attorney: Oh,,,,,,,
us: it is called DID...and is complex coping nechanism for eaRLY severe child abuse,,,when chikd is yiung,]
Attorney; I see
us: oh yeah sure you see...no u don't see
us feel lost, no hope, weird, scarde.....and that all now


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Well The News Is Not Good!

It's over...that is the good news.

We arrived to find a new Prosecuting Attorney. One unknown by my Attorney and one not familiar with my case. "He" was there with his female friend, someone he has known a long time. They sat in the front row, sneaking looks at me and laughing.

The court gave him 2 opportunities to drop the charges and he refused. So on the advice of my Attorney, I pled "no contest". We could have gone ahead and had the bench trial, but that is a crap shoot with an uncertain outcome. The way everything has been going his way, I made the decision to take the plea, knowing the outcome would be probation and a fine. I meet with the Probation Officer the first week in September for an Interview. Then the first week in October, I will go back to court and be sentenced, in essence be told how long my probation will last, what my fine will be and oh yeah....I have to attend Anger Management Classes, punishment for an act I did NOT committ. Well at least I don't have to wear an orange vest and pick up garbage on the streets.

I am sad and depressed. My Attorney is livid! She told me to roll up my sleeves, because we are going to have the ugliest divorce TRIAL...yes I said trial...that has yet to be seen. She called his Attorney yesterday and told him if her client (me) has to take a plea, he better be ready for an ugly divorce. So she is going after everything she can get. I am finished being nice. I am totally with her on this. If I just had the energy to get angry, it would help. I just feel helpless, depressed and sad. When I saw him in court today, I noticed he too has lost weight, he looks tired and worn out. When I said this to my friend and my Attorney, they were amazed that I could feel any empathy for him. I don't love him, I am not in love with him...but he is still a human being, a person. Yes, he has hurt me, and continues to hurt me and perhaps I sound ridiculous for feeling some sorrow for him..but hate will not change anything. I need some anger to get me going. But I don't even have that. Believe me, my family has enough and then some. My Brother wants to come out here and....well I don't exactly know what he wants to do..but something that would most likely put him in jail.

So there ya have it.

Love to all,
Sueann and "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Attorney/Prep and Court

Tomorrow we see our
Attorney, to prepare for the Criminal Trial on Friday.

Our Attorney called us today. She told us she has talked with opposing Counsel and has informed him that if "he" goes forth with the accusations, and I am either forced to go to trial, or forced to take a plea of "no contest", he had better be prepared for a very ugly divorce. Wow..we were impressed! Finally we feel someone is on our side and fighting for us. We are, naturally, having a lot of anxiety about appearing in court and having to testify. But the truth will win out...right????? We in no way harmed "him". "He" told our friend, whom we are staying with, that "he" loves Sueann and wants her back. HA!!!! Fat chance!

Well, thank you all again for your support and love and prayers. Hopefully, all will go well on Friday and we can get back to writing on a regular basis and visiting all of your blogs and getting caught up on your lives.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

FAKE PEOPLE

Today was a day of revelations!

The friend, the one we trusted so easily and so deeply...is a FAKE! Yes, he used us to feed his already over-sized ego. What a freakin loser. So now we are filled with anger and have no where to direct it! So we walk....several walks a day. It helps, but we would just love to speak to him one more time and tell him exactly how we feel about his deceit. Do we have a sign on our person (s) that reads....all losers, liars and creeps follow us? Even though the anger is great, the sadness and the feeling of being "taken" once again remains. Life sometimes, just sucks, and there is nothing you can do about it. Well everyone would like to say a few choice words to this FAKE PERSON:

rainbow - well, you r mean an i dont like u anymire

Susannah - FREAK! What a waste of time being on the phone with you all hours of the day and night....call us again...and you will get an ear full from me!

Emma Grace+ May God have mercy on your deceitful soul and may you out run Susannah...Amen


MElinda - grades 1 thru 6 - i hv never liked or trusted men

Sueann - I am hurt and ashamed that I once again was fooled by someone I thought was trustworthy.

eight - faker

anger - don't think should say what thinking.... %$#@&%$

no one else has anything to say..............................

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

ALONE....AND LONELY

I miss my friend. I miss the laughter and joy he brought to my life. I miss the phone calls. He is gone, because of a misunderstanding. I have tried to resolve the situation, but he will not return my calls or Emails. Now I must find a way to "be" without him. The emptiness inside is more than painful, it is unbearable. He was a good friend. We formed a bond almost immediately. It takes so much for us to give our trust. We gave it to him, freely and without hesitation because both he and us felt a closeness, as if we had known each other all of our lives. So how does such a strong friendship just end so swiftly? This was not a romantic relationship....it was, well I thought it was, one of the best friendships I have ever experienced. As I said, I have tried to reach him, but I have given up. It seems everything I truly value in this life, is taken from me. No, I am not feeling sorry for us, but when does it stop? I don't know that I can take much more heart break.

My Criminal Trial is on Friday. I am nervous and scared. My Attorney seems to think I should take a plea of No Contest...which I do not understand why I should do that. Yes, it would all be over, I would not need to spend anymore money (which I don't have) going back and forth to court. But at the pre-trial, the Prosecuting Attorney and my Attorney both agreed, the charges were ridiculous and the police report was laughable. So why then, do I have to plead No Contest? I know that is not an admission of guilt..but damn it..I did not harm that man in any way! Oh and he is a real good actor in Court....that too is laughable. He is Mr. it'sallherfault in front of the Judge, but in the hall outside the Court Room, he is Mr. nice and passive....what a creep he is! What a FAKE! I dislike him intensely!!!!!

The family I am living with...well my friend was supposed to call him today to make arrangements to pick up Scarlett and more of my clothing, but she fell in the bathroom, injuring her arm and we were at the ER all day today. So I don't know if she will feel up to going over there. I pray she does, I miss my dog so much! I want to take her down by the river to the park and just hold her and love on her and play with her.

All for tonight. Again thanks to all of you for your support, prayers and love...you have no idea what that all means to us. We love you!

Sueann and "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

AT ODDS WITH THE WORLD

Today, we are feeling at odds with everything. Nothing seems to fit. We have lost a very loved and good friend, because of circumstances beyond anyone's control, and this has put us into a sad and lonely place. Back to not sleeping or eating, we feel lost and empty inside. Nothing to fill that loss, that deep void. Have been walking several times a day, helps to think things through. But this situation, this loss, will not be eased by walking.

We will be seeing Scarlett, hopefully, on Sunday. We also need our clothes from the upstairs closet. My friend will go and get both for us. Scarlett will have to return to "him", of course, but only until the divorce is final...then she will be returned to me, where she belongs. We are so angry that "he" has kept her from us!

We long to have all of this behind us. We are still in a state of disbelief that "we" were arrested for, of all things, abusing someone. It is almost funny, when we think on it. We, who have never hurt another soul, who are actual survivors of physical abuse, now have a criminal record! Is this some kind of cosmic joke? We feel we have embarrassed our family, though much support is coming daily from all of them.

Lastly, we miss Doc! We hope that he still reads our posts, and that he knows we would be seeing him, if we had health insurance.

Thank you to everyone for your love, prayers and support. Without them, well...we would feel so much more alone. We love all of you!

Sueann for all of "Us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

DOING OK..............

we are doing pretty well....considering all that is going on. our trial date is August 21st. looks like we may be pleading "no contest" just to get it over with and not have to pay out additional monies to the Attorney. but actually, at pre-trial, the Prosecuting Attorney agreed with my Attorney, that this was bullshit and no charges should have ever been brought against me...so why the plea...we will ask our Attorney why.

on this past Friday at the PPO and Ex-Parte hearing...the PPO was dropped...and the Ex-Parte was modified, showing the house and all bills regarding the house go to him....which I could care less about the house. we had to agree, in order for him to get all of this. oh..and he was still wearing his wedding ring....it made us want to throw up. we now have visiting rights to see our dog...but my friend, whom we are living with, has to call him, and go pick up my dog and bring her over here. at first his Attorney said HE wanted to keep my dog...our Attorney went balistic and said no way...she said if I have to go to family court and sue for the dog...I will :) so he relented and said, yes it is her dog and belongs with her. oh he was being so passive, it was sickening. but...i have to tell you, i have lost quite a bit of weight and am short...and when we went before the Judge...she looked at me...then over at him...and said....now am I to believe SHE physically abused HIM???? also HIS Attorney, looked down at me and asked...are you HIS wife...when we said yes..he got this look of disbelief on his face.
thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, support and love. you have no idea how very much this all means to us. we love all of you so very much and miss you. forgive us for not visiting your blogs at this time....there is just so much going on.

love to all,
"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

We OK

just a quick note to say...we are doing ok. court this coming Friday to put aside the Protection order against me and to negate my payment of any bills incurred by "him" at the house. August 21st will be the Bench Trial.

once the protection order is put aside (hopefully) we can see our Scarlett...
once the
Bench Trial is over...if we are permitted to leave the state, we will get Scarlett and take her to Mother's, until we are ready to move to Texas.

we are fighting the HATE we feel for "him". as each day passes, it becomes harder and harder not to hate. we know hate will make us ill.

Thank you all, our dear friends, for you comments, your prayers and your concern. We love you!

"us"


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

ummm wrong thing.....

we must hv led people to the wrong ummm thing...cuz...the charges r not dismised...yet...we hv bench trial on August 21...then we see what happens. we do ok. sometimes we cry...but we laugh a lot more now to...we go walking outside in fresh air...we miss our doggie so much. want to thank everyone for prayers and writing here...we hv so many friends...we love you. that's all...nite.....

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"First Hearing and Results"

Hi everyone! The pre-trial hearing was last Friday. "he" was not there...thank goodness. My Attorney met with the Prosecuting Attorney, while I waited in the court room. When she came out, she was smiling....so I finally started breathing again. She told me the Prosecuting Attorney said charges should not have been brought against me and I should not have been arrested...he added....this is "Bullshit"! However, since I have been charged, we must have a Bench Trial, in which the Prosecuting Attorney will present the evidence (oh yeah...no photos of the alleged scratches...isn't that convenient?), which consists of 2 small paragraphs. Then my Attorney will present my case of innocence and the Judge will decided my punishment. I could get probation and/or a fine, or the charges could be dismissed without any restrictions. If I get probation, then I will have to ask the Judge for permission to move to Texas. Also, if "he" was unable to get the house refinanced and my name taken off...we will have to have the house appraised and sold immediately......or just let it go into foreclosure. I prefer the latter, because right now, it could not be sold for what we owe...and that would mean the debt would be divided between us. The Bench Trial is set for August 21st.

I have 2 hearings set for August 7th. One to set aside the Protection Order and the other is to terminate my obligation to pay any part of the mortgage and household bills, since I am no longer living there....and I can not afford to do so.

I miss my Scarlett so very much. Once the Protection Order is set aside, I can go to see her, but I have asked my Attorney to petition the court to not allow "him" to be at the house when I go to see Scarlett and start packing my personal belongings. I will be unable to provide a place for Scarlett to live until I am ready to move to Texas....which causes me to feel so sad. My Mother said she would keep her for me until I am ready to move. If I can manage to get her to my Mom's, that is exactly what I will do!

So, know that I am "safe". Know that I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes from all of you!

Sueann..


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting unless we stop evading the truth".

"NOT BELIEVED........ONCE AGAIN"

we decided the best thing to do is to tell what happened....not telling is just another secret, at a different time in our life...but a secret, just the same.

the first sunday of this month, we were taken to jail, for alledgedly attacking and abusing the "man that lives in our house". we had gone to the computer to pay bills on-line and learned he had taken a large sum of money out of our checking account, leaving next to nothin to pay the bills. when questioned why he would do such a thing, he answered that he wanted to buy a computer so he could "keep track of things". we became upset, stating that now there was no money to pay the bills. he began mocking us, repeating everything we said. inside everyone was fearful of him. he said he would never give us a divorce and that we would never leave the state. he also said we belonged in a hospital.....now tht scared us. we called the police. while we were on the phone with the police, he heard us, and he also called the police. when they arrived, i told the officer we were afraid of him, because we did not know him and did not know what he may do to us. 2 other officers took him out of the house into the back yard. when one of those officers returned, he said the "man's" story was completely different from ours. the man said we assaulted him and that he had scratches on his arm. they then put me in handcuffs. we kept saying over and over we did not do anything to him. they did not believe us! they would not let us say anything! they threw us in the police car and took us to jail...it was so horrible. we spent 3 days in a small space, having the same 2 meals a day, which we could not eat, because we gagged. we cried all the time. we ask for our medication, we finally got them on the 2nd day. they took our shoes away from us, we could not wash. we were scared. finally rocking girl, sat with us all night, every night and just rocked. everyone who had come in after us, were taken before the judge, but not us.....we kept asking why....they would not tell us anything. we had no one to call, we could not remember anyone's number but our sister and our parents. on the 2nd day we called our sister and told her what happened. then we learned our mother had been taken to the hospital in an abulance and was very ill. our sister asked if we wanted her and brother to come to us. we did not want to make problems for them..we said we don't know. so sister and brother left at 430 in the morning on the 3rd day of jail. they drove 6 hours to come to us. they were there when we finally saw the judge and was released.
that is what happened to us. now we are charged with domestic assault and we have to go this coming friday back to court. we got attorney, and she is great and feels the charges will be dropped. we are still having nightmares, we can not sleep through the night. we keep remembering that no one would let us talk, no one wouled believe us, just as always....we did NOT hurt him....we would never hurt anyone....why won't anyone believe us????????

we miss our dog so much. the "man" has her, along with all of our stuff. we have some clothes but we need our dog and our stuff. the "man" was not who we thought he was, he is a bad, bad person, who lies. he filed for the divorce while we were in jail. he filed an order that does not allow us near him, our home or our dog. we did feel sorry for him, but now we don't. we cry all the time...like we are doing at this moment. we stay with friends, good friends we have known long time. we feel "safe" but scared all the time. if you pray, please add us.

"us"










"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"A DIFFERENT REALITY"

Hello my friends. I have missed you! Thank you all for the wonderful people you are!

I have been through an ordeal, unlike any I have encountered before. It has forced me to face a different reality, one of sadness, unpredictability and even horror. I won't go into the details, because I have yet to come to a point where I can actually write them. I will tell you this, much good has evolved from this experience. My Sister and my Brother drove 6 hours to rescue me. The bond between us is now solid. The Sister, I thought I had lost forever, held me in her arms as I cried and trembled from fear. My Brother, well, he and I have always had a close bond, but this experience has brought us even closer. I thank My God, for both of them.

I want to say a very special and loving Thank You to Steve E. and Prayer Girl, for loving me unconditionally, for their concern and their friendship. You are both awesome people, and we love you.

To my dear Doc, if you are reading this, know that I thank you for the year of revelation and healing I spent with you. I hope to return to "T" in the future but at this point I have no Health Insurance and can not. We miss you terribly and call you our friend and healer. Please know that we are doing okay and that we are "safe".

With Gratitude and Love,
"Us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"HAPPY 4TH OF JULY"

I love my freedom. I love my America. God Bless the men and woman who are, and who have, fought to keep or Nation free....you are my Heroes!






"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Tired AND Can Not Sleep"

The depression, I have been trying so hard to keep at bay, has completely wrapped it's debilitating arms around me.

I finally allowed myself to cry, after my Brother and his family left this morning. Everything is just so over-whelming. Planning a new life is difficult. At times, I fall back, and wonder am I doing the right thing by leaving him? It would be so easy just to stay and live as we are. My list of things that must be done, grows with each passing day. I don't know if I have the strength. I don't know if I can hurt someone this badly. He is so down and crying all the time. He is determined that we can work this out and stay together. He does not hear me when I tell him I do not love him! He does not hear me when I say I am leaving you, that our marriage is over! I feel guilt for causing another being to feel such pain. All my life, I have been hurt by others. All my life I have endured that pain. This does not feel "right", my causing the pain to another.

I can not sleep. I am afraid to sleep....though he has not become violent at all. Every time I turn, he is there, behind me, beside me, talking, telling me he loves me, that no, he will not let me leave him, that all we need to do is talk it through and find a way to stay together. I feel sorrow and I feel I am the bad person in this situation. I have always tried and I believe succeeded in not hurting people in my life. I know the pain of rejection, of being unloved and unwanted. I know that is what he is feeling.

I see Doc on Monday. He will help me sort these feelings, and to see them in the right perspective. Until then, I will deal with it alone, all the time wondering....am I a bad person?

Sueann~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Don't Know What To Do

At at loss as to what to do. This feels bad, we feel bad. The man is crying, and his blood pressure is up....and he is not eating. Trying to stay strong, but feel so bad for him.






"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"We Talked"

We talked, with the man who lives here. We had no choice, he brought it up. So now, each knows where the other stands. I want a divorce and he does not. He is going to try to get re-mortgage on the house and keep it. Our so hoped for plan is not even an opition....him leaving, moving out, we stay here, continue to pay the house payment, but putting it up for sale. So plan B. We will divide the furshings, and well everything. I begin packing on Thursday. I will store my furniture here and just take what I need to feel safe and comfortable. It will be difficult with him here..but we will keep in our minds, that we will be free of this loveless, non-emotional, no cummnication, no empathy, no real emotions broken marriage. We will leave for Texas, when all is settled. We must get a consult with an Attorney to learn how to handle the divorce.

We have made the decision to move back to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area instead of moving down to Houston. We love our cousin, like a Sister, but she can be controlling. We don't need that. Our best friend and her husband and son live there and we have been invitied to stay there until we can find a place. My friend is so excited that I will be moving back.

We do feel badly for the man, but we must do what will make "us" happy for once in our life. We will remain strong, we will not allow his sorrow cause us to feel guilty. We will be kind to him. We have already told him we never meant to hurt him. But that we just not happy in the marriage.....but alas, he does not understand.

Emma Grace + will say a prayer:

Heavenly Father, look down on the man who lives here and grant him peace of mind, strenghth to over come his sadness and knowledge to understand that we must leave. Oh and acceptance of the parting. We ask this in the name of your son, Jesus.
Amen +

nite from "most of us....the older of us)

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"WE NEED YOU DOC!"

DOC!!!! we need to talk to you and something is wrong with the phones at the office and we can not dial your extension!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plz call us................ :((


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Sh#$ Hits The Fan"

Today was "T" day. We were tired and depressed when arrived and was holding in a ton of pent up anger. The tears ready to flow and we felt full of anxiety. As we sat across from Doc, we actually felt the calmness spread through our body. The anxiety slipped away, the anger lessened but the tears, well just is no way of stopping them.

We talked of many things, but the main topic was my way out of this marriage. Although we thought we had the perfect plan....well because it was our plan....Doc pointed out some, well, flaws in our plan. We will be telling the man that lives here, we want a divorce, and we want him to move out as soon as possible. He has a place to go, so that worry is off our mind.

Upon arriving home from "T", there was the man, sitting on the porch, smiling. We have asked him repeatedly to please allow us our space on "T" day, because we are generally exhausted and just want to be left alone. But why are we surprised that he does not support us in that request, when he offers no support at all?

We came into the house. We asked if anyone had called. He said yes, our cousin from Texas. So we came into the office to check our on-line messages, praying for a message from our new friend. There it was....a funny, light hearted, supportive message from him, and we felt so elated. So thankful for a friend that makes us laugh while still remaining supportive.

Then the phone rang. We glanced at the phone, saw that is was our cousin calling us. We answered, she said get to a place where the man that lives here can not hear our conversation. We immediately become alarmed, wondering what could have happened. Well she proceeded to tell us, that while we were gone she had called us. The man that lives here answered the phone and began questioning her about our new friend. Who was he? Did she know him? Were we having an affair with this man? **snort She knows about our new friend but told him, no she did not know the name....did not know who he was and why would he think we were having an affair when we never go out of the house. He asked her if she thought we did not love him anymore. She said you need to talk about this with her. She said he became angry and said he thought that we wanted a divorce. He said that would mean selling this house that he had worked so hard to buy. Well....first of all....this friend, is just that a friend. He listens to me, he understands me, he offers support and he is a very comforting factor in our lives right now. We are allowed to have friends!!! And it just angers me that this man has been listening in on our conversations!!! And another thing....he did not put the down payment on this house, we did, with our own money. He does not pay the house payment, we do with our own money. What he brought to this marriage was debt! Credit cards, personal loans, weekly payments on tools he must purchase for work and so on. We have managed to pay off most of his credit card debt and his personal loan....with our money! We actually felt some relief that this phone called had happened. It means, he does realize the marriage is over, even if he chose not to speak with us about it. It will lessen the anxiety of actually asking for a divorce, making our needs known to him. As far as our friend, we quickly called him and explained that the man who lives here has his number but in all likely hood would never call. We apologized to our friend and even offered to end the friendship that we hold so dear. But, being the man that he is, he said no, if he calls me I will tell him we are friends and nothing more. Our friend's concern was all for us. He wanted to be sure we would be okay, and asked to please call him back so that he would know we were safe.

Bottom line, we will be talking with the man who lives here on Thursday, after my family leaves to return home. We will tell him what we should have told him 2 years ago, we do not love him, the marriage is not working and that we want more out of relationship than what he is willing or can give us. We will stay strong, we will not allow guilt to consume us, we will maintain our boundaries and we will make it through this and reclaim our freedom. We must...take the steps needed to feel safe again. We look forward to our new life, with renewed hope in our future.

Sarah~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Pretense vs Realism"

I learned yesterday, my Brother, his wife, their daughter and her boyfriend will be coming here on Thursday morning and staying the night. Naturally, I can not wait to see them, to be hugged by my Brother will feel so awesome! I could not allow them to walk into the situation of Pretense, that has been my life for the past 2 years. So I did what I had to do, I told my Brother that I plan, very soon, to leave the man who lives here, and divorce him. It was difficult for me to do. He was not totally unaware, I had told him we were having problems, but had never gone into detail and really still have not told him everything. His first reaction, was one of needing to protect me, his first question, is he abusing you? What I needed him to understand was this, I will not pretend this marriage IS a marriage because he will be visiting. I can not do that. I don't want any of them to feel uncomfortable, but they must understand before arriving, the realism is...there is no marriage. There is nothing.

Being married to a man for over 2 years and knowing nothing about him, is frightening! When I do tell him the marriage is over, how will he react? Will he become angry? Will he hurt us? I have no answers. I will not lie and pretend that these questions do not frighten us, they do! But living with no love or joy or companionship or communication...well, I can not begin to tell you the sadness and misery it brings to our soul. We feel trapped, angry and are concerned for our well being. We also have sadness because we know that this will hurt him....and we do not want to be responsible for hurting anyone. We just can no longer go on living this way. We must break free and start our lives over.

The really downside to all of this...is our "Doc". Our Doc is so important to us. We look to him for guidance in our Journey of Healing. We have so much respect for him and he has become our friend. It causes us great sadness at the thought of never seeing him again! OK...we have to stop, this is just to sad to handle.

Nite,
Me and "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"My Tribute to Michael Jackson"

There may be conflicting comments to this post, and that is fine, what I will not allow to be shown, are any degrading, hateful remarks about MJ. He is one of my favorites, I loved him and I will miss him, his brilliant mind, his songs, his singing and his passion for his art. To me, he IS the Greatest Entertainer of all Time, a Legend, who brought to the music industry and to his fans something no other Artist has.... true musical genius. May he Rest In Peace, Michael Jackson, Writer, Singer, Artist and great Humanitarian.

The first Video is Michael, age 11, singing "Ben". This is the vulnerable, abused boy that I learned to love.

The second Video is Michael, singing "Billye Jean". This is the man, still vulnerable, trying to live his life in the long shadow cast by his abuse.

Being a Survivor of Child Abuse, you may think I would be the last person to dedicate a Post to MJ. In my humble opinion, MJ was convicted by the press and acquitted by law. I may be ringing my own bell when I say this, but I never, for one second doubted his innocence. I listened to my "gut" instinct. It told me, here is a man trapped inside a child's body, trying to live his life the best he can, giving all that he had to his fans. He was a lonely, misunderstood man, who suffered deeply when a great majority of his "fans" turned their back on him, in his time of need. Now we have lost him.....and in my heart the void is vast.

I love you Michael Jackson, and I will miss you. R.I.P. ~~

Sueann/Susannah~~~~~



"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Completely Blind-sided"

this is going to sound totally strange....but coming from us.....maybe not.

we met a new friend on-line. now anyone that goes to chat rooms or MySpace or FaceBook, meets lots of new people, and so, are aware that a person can be anyone they want, on-line. we have many friends on-line that we made lasting friendships with as far back as umm ... think 4 or 5 years, and they are from all over the world. they are special to us, they support us in times of need, they are someone to whom we can talk to without being judged. All, but one of these on-line friends, knows nothing about our DID. to get to the point, one of our friends introduced us to a friend of her's and now this person has become important to us.

when we are writing to this person, we feel we have known them forever...and this person feels the same about us. we have never felt such a connection to someone we have never met IRL before. we have even talked with this person on the phone and it was like talking with an old friend. there was so much laughter and joy and respect and endless stories shared about our lives. you would think, with our issue of trust, we would never even venture to do something this risky. we can only say, we feel we have found a true forever friend. this new friend is going through a divorce, and having a very tough time emotionally. we offer support, which is readily accepted. we too are going through a rough period and will soon, be getting a divorce. our new friend gives us support. is all of this wrong? are we fooling ourselves in believing lasting friendships can be formed this way? are we setting oursevles up for a fall? we only know this...since this person came into our lives, we laugh more, we find joy in life, we feel we really have something to live for, we feel needed and cared about. we have something to look forward to each day. this new friend feels all of this about us also. this connection we have is just unexplainable. well, we guess you could explain it by simply saying, two people meet, both having turmoil and sadness in their lives, they immediately form a bond, they comfort one another, respect one another and they laugh....a lot! there are many miles between us, chances are, we may never meet, but that does not seem to matter. now matters, the time we have now together.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"How Do You Thank People Such As You?"

we have no words to say, that will tell you how we feel about all of you! we have never known such kind, supportive and loving people as you. all of your comments, so helpful to us. your encouragement to write to reach out gives us strength and hope. all of YOU are our support group, our family. we love all of you. US...good guess...you nailed it....ha ha. we got some rest last night...not much..but enough so we do not feel so fearful today. cousins coming from Texas to visit in September...our goal...be much better by then. would be so happy if everything was over with the guy who lives here and could return to Texas with cousins. find our own place to live.
thank you from us.


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Another Nothing Day

nothing...that is what our life has become....we go nowhere, do nothing, see nobody, dont want to talk on phone.....what will happen to us? cnat watch tv...not interested...sit in front of computer, staring at screen...all day! feel sick, tummy hurt, hide awy......cant go on like this....must change...hv to go to bed...late...need sleep.......

"Am I Driving Everyone Away?"

I arrived today to see Doc, in an angry mood. But within minutes I was crying. I feel as if I am driving everyone away! My DIL, then my SIL, my friends do not call as often as they once did. I feel so alone..all the time. I've set my boundaries, at least I think I have set the proper boundaries. So is that why? Because they liked us better with no boundaries, vulnerable, manipulated and blamed? I have always felt "different", that I never belonged, sometimes even invisible. Years later, I stay isolated....is that to keep myself safe, from further harm? Or is it because I feel that I will not be accepted anyway, so why bother? We don't like people looking at us. We feel judged. We feel ugly. We feel worthless. I can not remember a thing about "T" today...not one thing except crying and feeling lonely and sad. What words from Doc am I missing? I feel very confused and blank.
Nothing more to write because I don't know anything..........


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL

Hope all of you Fathers had a wonderful day! And all you women, raising your children without their Father....hope your day was special...because YOU are.

we r not writing tonite, cuz we r depressed and don't want to ruin this holiday.

nite......
"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Just Unbelievable!!!!"

So the man that lives here...his sister is a psychologist. She just called and I answered the phone. We talk about this and that...then I ask her if she has heard from the DIL...she says no. I tell her, well we are not speaking, due to some hateful Emails she wrote to me 2 weeks ago. I tell her a little of what the DIL said and she replies with "Well we have all had brutal childhoods, I have just decided to put it in the the past where it belongs and live a happier life." then...."You know, some people just do not understand depression, because SOME do people push themselves to go out and do things and find they are much happier." I saw RED! So I told her it was not just depression, but DID and Panic/Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia. She again minimized my illness, by saying, sometimes it is just better to leave it all in the past. This, coming from a Psychologist????????????? First of all...how dare her 'assume' she knows anything about my childhood traumas, and secondly suggest, not once, but twice, that I need to just let it all go, and go on with my life!!!! Before giving the phone to the man who lives here, I told her, well I have boundaries and if people can not accept me for who I am, then I do not need those people in my life.....then said here's your Brother. He went out on the porch to talk to her, so have no idea what was said between them....and honestly I don't care! I so want out of this marriage, this family and away from all of them. I think the whole lot of them are hiding their heads in the sand. They all have some pretty severe issues, they have not dealt with at all! That is their business, but do not tell me to just let the atrocities put upon me, go! I've totally had it with all of them. I am so angry and hurt and feel so unimportant to any of them. I may just have to jump start my "plan" and just pack my stuff and leave! I was trying very hard to pay off bills and then attempt to sell the house and not leave all of that debt on his shoulders. But now, I just don't think I can do this any longer. Staying here does not seem to be an option for me anymore. Where will I go? I have some choices. I will discuss these with Doc on Monday.
See US I can rant without one single cuss word.....grin.........

Sueann

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Father's Day Coming Up"

this Sunday is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to all of my friends!

the man that lives here will be visiting his son and the DIL and grandson on Sunday. I will not be joining him. It is sad. The DIL has caused much anger and hurt and we have not heard from any of them. so...we are keeping our boundaries in place and we are not going over there.
Our Dad lives in another state, along with the rest of our immediate family, so we will not be seeing him either.
We remember Father's Day during our childhood. We were forced to go and visit "The Dad", by Mother. The spell of Old Spice makes us want to puke. ew.........

Talked to Mother today. She seems not to hear anything we have tried to tell her......today she again said kids need their asses slapped.....we sighed.....she asked "what?".....we said...we asked you to please not say that....we do not believe in hurting children in any way. Again, her reply, well that is why kids are so rotten these days. ummm...these days? she always told us we were rotten...so guess kids from all eras are just plain rotten and should be beaten!

our little brother called us today. after talking for awhile, he asked if he could ask me some questions.....we said well sure...he said well it's about your childhood....see this Brother is our half brother but we never call him that or think of him in that way...we are just so happy he did not have to endure having "the Dad" for a father. well, he said he knew some of what we went through with "the Dad" and he wanted to know why my deceased Brother did not beat "the Dad" after he became older. well we said...he did not remember the abuse either...and in fact he told us when we came out of the nut house...that if he had been sexually abused he did NOT want to know about it. Our little brother was a little stunned to hear that....but that is what he told me. We love our little bother...he was born when we were sixteen and we took care of him, because Mother was ill after his birth. so we have remained close. our Mother never hit him...never. he asked us why, do you suppose she 'changed'.....we said...she did so because our Dad would never put up with her beating any child. our Brother said it is hard for him to imagine our Mother ever being like that. we found ourselves explaining how frustrated she was, young with 3 small children...and that she took that frustration out on us. then I quickly added...that does not make what she did to us okay...and he said yes he understood that. why are we talking about this?

nite
rainbow~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"What's Happening to Me?"

More and more lately, I can not remember things...like for example, I had a topic I wanted to write about tonight...but I can NOT remember what it was. I can't follow conversations either...I get lost and have to ask people to repeat what they have just said. I become distracted easily. I started dinner tonight, then walked into the computer room and began playing a game...and dinner burned....I had totally forgotten about it. The man who lives here will say something to me...and I just look at him...because in a split second, I am totally lost and have no idea what he just said. This is all very annoying and the only answer I can seem to come up with is....I am switching....a lot. I am not aware of it, if that is indeed what is happening. And that thing with the hands, it is happening again. I watch my hands doing chores or typing but they are NOT my hands and I have no idea who they belong to! I have lists of things that I want to accomplish during the day....but I never seem to get any of the items completed. I may start one or two of them, but I never complete them. I forgot I even have a list. Then I will see it, in plain sight and wonder where did it come from...was it always just sitting there and I just missed it? Phone calls from my Mother are so confusing! Usually, I listen, not with my heart, but I do listen...but lately, I don't know half of what she has said. She accuses me of doing something else while I am on the phone with her. But that is not the case. I just get lost. What is happening to me? I have been seeing Doc for over a year now and last Monday I passed the office 3 times and had to turn around...what is that about? It is already 4 in the morning and I have no idea where the day went. My vision is once again, blurry and at times things look small and far away. I feel like I am not here...that I am somewhere else...but where???????????

Sueann

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"We Received An Award!!!"

<======= we got this award to day from Mike....thank you Mike! we are so proud! Mike is a Viet Nam Vet....and we say thank you for serving our Country...and for the Freedom we should never ever take for granted. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE!

it's a very good feeling to know that someone believes we make a difference in this world....that is all we have ever wanted to do! especially for children. someday, we hope to publish our Poems and maybe write our stories. Melinda grades 1-6 had one of her poems published. so proud! it's difficult to find the right publisher for our type of work. we were invited to write for a publication in Canada....but we just never sent them anything. we thought maybe not good enough. but now....we think...maybe, just maybe we try and live up to this wonderful, heart warming award from Mike.

stayed up very late and then slept in. tired now. wanted to say that the 'vision' or whatever you want to call it is back.....uh huh....saw it today...to the left...again. scared everyone. who is it? we don't know. can't really say it is definitely a "form of a person"....cuz we can not see it clearly...when we turn our heads to look...it goes poof! but we 'feel' it standing beside us....very very spooky...

we did not do anything today.

Poem for Mike

"A Soldier's Call To Arms"

A list with numbers,
counting down the days
When he leaves his loved ones,
goes far away.

Still a young man
with hopes and dreams,
All put on hold
For his Country, it seems.

He hears of other men
running away,
He hears their shouts,
"Go to War, no way".

His heart speaks to him
it asks "will you go"?
This brave man answers,
"I can not say no".

He loves his Country
though he may not agree,
But will fight for his Nation,
So it remains free.

A Soldier, a man
leaves his home one day,
To return as a Hero
What price did he pay?

SEMPER FI oooRAH PEACE! God/Country/Family

thank you, Mike from "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Day Time Post....Trying Again"

First we want to thank everyone for your supporting comments! Second we want to thank new friends for coming to the Haunted House and WELCOME!

ok then! hey everybody! how's it goin? wanted to say again how wonderful our DOC is, giving up his own time, to support us. DOC ROCKS!

This is Susannah, and hardly nothin scares me! Well, some things do...like the word "hospital". But we ain't goin to no hospital! We will find PEACE within, it will take time. Since seeing Doc yesterday, the "little ones" have come out more...not a lot...but working on it. We are getting more rest, although still up until 4:00 AM, but slept in.

Here's a list....of "us" and how we "feel" and what we "need" today" (the following are only the ones who want to be included)

MElinda1 - sad
MElinda grades 1-6 - needs to draw
Emma Grace + - Prayers
Sarah - lonely, needs someone to talk to
Anger - calmer, but still needs to vent
Rage - pissed off
Rainbow - needs hugs, needs clothes, feels neglected
Eight - silence is golden only if you aint DID
Rocking Girl - silent, feels alone and isolated
Guardian - watchful, protective
Sueann - confused, just wants to run away

That is what is going on inside, as best I can tell. And me, well I feel...I dunno...disappointed, somewhat... sad, that we have fallen back in our progress. But always optimistic that we will survive.

Peace,
Susannah~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"No Rant...We Promise"

Saw our Doc today. We are more calm, not so angry, seeing things more clearly now.

We know it is not anyone's fault, the lay off happened. We never meant to sound as if we were blaming anyone. Change, especially sudden change, causes much chaos inside. We came to understand in "T" today, that our anger is really about no private time, no alone time. When we sit at this computer to write, the man who lives here, is usually upstairs asleep. We feel it is safe then, for "us" to put our feelings here, to allow everyone to say what they wish to be said. We push the wall down, come out and we write and it all flows so freely. Tonight, we are writing, while the man is in the other room watching TV. It's sort of like a "test". Can we let our guard down? Can we concentrate? Do we feel safe? ummmmm nope....so we will be back later to write......sorry, we tried...

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Another Day of Hating Everything"

Well I had no visitors, or I should say comments, about the post yesterday....can't say as we blame you. What a rant...huh? Well, today was no better. So if you are reading this...you may want to step out side the Haunted House, and come back another day
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A new visitor did come here last night and left a comment. We know that she meant well, and we thank her! But we have been through many Therapy courses of Cognitive Thinking and we know the list thingy....draw a line down the middle of the paper...write your negative thought...then on the other side of the line turn that negative into a positive...oh we have done all of that already. We are way beyond, we are done with that...it did not work...because there are too many of us and we all have different opinions and thoughts about everything! Yes, we also know we are not the only ones in the world suffering....and if we sounded self absorbed...it's because at this stage in our life, we are! We are so damn tired of always coming up empty in life. We have empathy for others...we are not without compassion...but right now...we are so angry! It's as if everything that has happened in our life, has all come together into a gigantic ball of ANGER!!! We just want it to stop!!!! We are to the point that if one more thing is put on us we will burst!!! Fly into gazillions of pieces!! We want to scream, until we can scream no more. Though we feel like crying...we are wayyyy to angry to cry! We are so mentally crippled, we don't even know that we can take care of ourselves!!! We have no one....and we mean no one....that can relate to even the mere idea of being Multiples! We don't even understand ourselves at times. So tired of the racing thoughts, the whispers, the acting out, the inappropriate times when laugh, or cry, or become a child, then an adult, it's too much!!!! We are a walking, talking FREAK show!!! WE CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Refuse to sign any names.....

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"It MUST Be My Fault!"

It's 3:40 AM. Can't sleep...too much on my mind. The lay off, the Health Care, finding a way out.

I have been sitting here thinking about my life. I can come to no other conclusion other than, the entire mess of MY life is MY fault! How long can one blame Child Abuse for the shambles their life has been? I understand, that as a child, abuse stole my innocence, my spirit, my "being" a child....but I have been in and out of "T" for a very long time. I've listened and I've learned so much about behaviors, boundaries, making unhealthy choices <---------- again linked to Child Abuse. I am no longer a child!!! I am a grown woman and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This will all end, only when I am no more. I am in a vicious cycle of misery. I just want it to stop! Every time I see some progress, I am knocked down again. This is the pattern of my entire life. I'm so tired of it all. I've taken care of sick people, I have been there for other's, I have always tried my best to be a good person. It doesn't matter what I do, my life becomes a living hell. Monday, may be the last I can see Doc, for awhile, that is depressing. That is more than depressing, it is frightening! I do not have the strength or the knowledge to deal with all of my "conditions". I look around, I see happy people, couples in love, married people with children and I have to ask....why don't I have all those things? The only answer in my head is because you do not deserve them. I am like the Poster Woman for 'How to make a complete mess of your life'! WTF! At the age of 18 when I left home, I had dreams, I had hope I just knew I was going to make a difference. HA! None of my dreams materialized, my hope has been gone for years, and I have made no difference on anything or anyone. I squandered the only life I am ever going to have....and it is MY fault. Please, friends, that may read this...do not tell me that my reward will be in heaven, or that God will take care of me....I am too bitter and too sorrowful for any of that to impact my brain. I do not intend to offend anyone. I just have no connection to that particular subject. I love all of you, would never want you to be hurt. I believe the only thing that may have saved me....was me....and I screwed everything up! I despise the person I have come to be. I am weak and helpless. I am so angry! Where is the justification in all of this? Only certain people deserve happiness, children, good marriages? Why must some suffer and others not? If there is a God, and he is all powerful, as I was taught as a child, then why didn't he take the misery and pain away? Oh I know...we are not to question HIM, the answers will be revealed....when? After I am dead...what the hell good will those answers be to me then? I remember when my Gram passed away, her Sister standing beside me at the coffin, saying "she knows all the answers now"...and I remember thinking...so what? She is dead, what good does that do her now? My Gram was a good woman. She did not cast any aversions on others. She was not without her own demons. She drank, her marriage was not a happy one, she was stuck with her daughter and her three kids most of her life, but she did not complain....ever. She held me when I was sick or afraid. When she passed away, I was so lost, so fearful of life without her. I miss her so much!

I'm not signing this with a name....I don't know who the hell I am anymore!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".