"WE NEED YOU DOC!"

DOC!!!! we need to talk to you and something is wrong with the phones at the office and we can not dial your extension!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plz call us................ :((


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Sh#$ Hits The Fan"

Today was "T" day. We were tired and depressed when arrived and was holding in a ton of pent up anger. The tears ready to flow and we felt full of anxiety. As we sat across from Doc, we actually felt the calmness spread through our body. The anxiety slipped away, the anger lessened but the tears, well just is no way of stopping them.

We talked of many things, but the main topic was my way out of this marriage. Although we thought we had the perfect plan....well because it was our plan....Doc pointed out some, well, flaws in our plan. We will be telling the man that lives here, we want a divorce, and we want him to move out as soon as possible. He has a place to go, so that worry is off our mind.

Upon arriving home from "T", there was the man, sitting on the porch, smiling. We have asked him repeatedly to please allow us our space on "T" day, because we are generally exhausted and just want to be left alone. But why are we surprised that he does not support us in that request, when he offers no support at all?

We came into the house. We asked if anyone had called. He said yes, our cousin from Texas. So we came into the office to check our on-line messages, praying for a message from our new friend. There it was....a funny, light hearted, supportive message from him, and we felt so elated. So thankful for a friend that makes us laugh while still remaining supportive.

Then the phone rang. We glanced at the phone, saw that is was our cousin calling us. We answered, she said get to a place where the man that lives here can not hear our conversation. We immediately become alarmed, wondering what could have happened. Well she proceeded to tell us, that while we were gone she had called us. The man that lives here answered the phone and began questioning her about our new friend. Who was he? Did she know him? Were we having an affair with this man? **snort She knows about our new friend but told him, no she did not know the name....did not know who he was and why would he think we were having an affair when we never go out of the house. He asked her if she thought we did not love him anymore. She said you need to talk about this with her. She said he became angry and said he thought that we wanted a divorce. He said that would mean selling this house that he had worked so hard to buy. Well....first of all....this friend, is just that a friend. He listens to me, he understands me, he offers support and he is a very comforting factor in our lives right now. We are allowed to have friends!!! And it just angers me that this man has been listening in on our conversations!!! And another thing....he did not put the down payment on this house, we did, with our own money. He does not pay the house payment, we do with our own money. What he brought to this marriage was debt! Credit cards, personal loans, weekly payments on tools he must purchase for work and so on. We have managed to pay off most of his credit card debt and his personal loan....with our money! We actually felt some relief that this phone called had happened. It means, he does realize the marriage is over, even if he chose not to speak with us about it. It will lessen the anxiety of actually asking for a divorce, making our needs known to him. As far as our friend, we quickly called him and explained that the man who lives here has his number but in all likely hood would never call. We apologized to our friend and even offered to end the friendship that we hold so dear. But, being the man that he is, he said no, if he calls me I will tell him we are friends and nothing more. Our friend's concern was all for us. He wanted to be sure we would be okay, and asked to please call him back so that he would know we were safe.

Bottom line, we will be talking with the man who lives here on Thursday, after my family leaves to return home. We will tell him what we should have told him 2 years ago, we do not love him, the marriage is not working and that we want more out of relationship than what he is willing or can give us. We will stay strong, we will not allow guilt to consume us, we will maintain our boundaries and we will make it through this and reclaim our freedom. We must...take the steps needed to feel safe again. We look forward to our new life, with renewed hope in our future.

Sarah~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Pretense vs Realism"

I learned yesterday, my Brother, his wife, their daughter and her boyfriend will be coming here on Thursday morning and staying the night. Naturally, I can not wait to see them, to be hugged by my Brother will feel so awesome! I could not allow them to walk into the situation of Pretense, that has been my life for the past 2 years. So I did what I had to do, I told my Brother that I plan, very soon, to leave the man who lives here, and divorce him. It was difficult for me to do. He was not totally unaware, I had told him we were having problems, but had never gone into detail and really still have not told him everything. His first reaction, was one of needing to protect me, his first question, is he abusing you? What I needed him to understand was this, I will not pretend this marriage IS a marriage because he will be visiting. I can not do that. I don't want any of them to feel uncomfortable, but they must understand before arriving, the realism is...there is no marriage. There is nothing.

Being married to a man for over 2 years and knowing nothing about him, is frightening! When I do tell him the marriage is over, how will he react? Will he become angry? Will he hurt us? I have no answers. I will not lie and pretend that these questions do not frighten us, they do! But living with no love or joy or companionship or communication...well, I can not begin to tell you the sadness and misery it brings to our soul. We feel trapped, angry and are concerned for our well being. We also have sadness because we know that this will hurt him....and we do not want to be responsible for hurting anyone. We just can no longer go on living this way. We must break free and start our lives over.

The really downside to all of this...is our "Doc". Our Doc is so important to us. We look to him for guidance in our Journey of Healing. We have so much respect for him and he has become our friend. It causes us great sadness at the thought of never seeing him again! OK...we have to stop, this is just to sad to handle.

Nite,
Me and "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"My Tribute to Michael Jackson"

There may be conflicting comments to this post, and that is fine, what I will not allow to be shown, are any degrading, hateful remarks about MJ. He is one of my favorites, I loved him and I will miss him, his brilliant mind, his songs, his singing and his passion for his art. To me, he IS the Greatest Entertainer of all Time, a Legend, who brought to the music industry and to his fans something no other Artist has.... true musical genius. May he Rest In Peace, Michael Jackson, Writer, Singer, Artist and great Humanitarian.

The first Video is Michael, age 11, singing "Ben". This is the vulnerable, abused boy that I learned to love.

The second Video is Michael, singing "Billye Jean". This is the man, still vulnerable, trying to live his life in the long shadow cast by his abuse.

Being a Survivor of Child Abuse, you may think I would be the last person to dedicate a Post to MJ. In my humble opinion, MJ was convicted by the press and acquitted by law. I may be ringing my own bell when I say this, but I never, for one second doubted his innocence. I listened to my "gut" instinct. It told me, here is a man trapped inside a child's body, trying to live his life the best he can, giving all that he had to his fans. He was a lonely, misunderstood man, who suffered deeply when a great majority of his "fans" turned their back on him, in his time of need. Now we have lost him.....and in my heart the void is vast.

I love you Michael Jackson, and I will miss you. R.I.P. ~~

Sueann/Susannah~~~~~



"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Completely Blind-sided"

this is going to sound totally strange....but coming from us.....maybe not.

we met a new friend on-line. now anyone that goes to chat rooms or MySpace or FaceBook, meets lots of new people, and so, are aware that a person can be anyone they want, on-line. we have many friends on-line that we made lasting friendships with as far back as umm ... think 4 or 5 years, and they are from all over the world. they are special to us, they support us in times of need, they are someone to whom we can talk to without being judged. All, but one of these on-line friends, knows nothing about our DID. to get to the point, one of our friends introduced us to a friend of her's and now this person has become important to us.

when we are writing to this person, we feel we have known them forever...and this person feels the same about us. we have never felt such a connection to someone we have never met IRL before. we have even talked with this person on the phone and it was like talking with an old friend. there was so much laughter and joy and respect and endless stories shared about our lives. you would think, with our issue of trust, we would never even venture to do something this risky. we can only say, we feel we have found a true forever friend. this new friend is going through a divorce, and having a very tough time emotionally. we offer support, which is readily accepted. we too are going through a rough period and will soon, be getting a divorce. our new friend gives us support. is all of this wrong? are we fooling ourselves in believing lasting friendships can be formed this way? are we setting oursevles up for a fall? we only know this...since this person came into our lives, we laugh more, we find joy in life, we feel we really have something to live for, we feel needed and cared about. we have something to look forward to each day. this new friend feels all of this about us also. this connection we have is just unexplainable. well, we guess you could explain it by simply saying, two people meet, both having turmoil and sadness in their lives, they immediately form a bond, they comfort one another, respect one another and they laugh....a lot! there are many miles between us, chances are, we may never meet, but that does not seem to matter. now matters, the time we have now together.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"How Do You Thank People Such As You?"

we have no words to say, that will tell you how we feel about all of you! we have never known such kind, supportive and loving people as you. all of your comments, so helpful to us. your encouragement to write to reach out gives us strength and hope. all of YOU are our support group, our family. we love all of you. US...good guess...you nailed it....ha ha. we got some rest last night...not much..but enough so we do not feel so fearful today. cousins coming from Texas to visit in September...our goal...be much better by then. would be so happy if everything was over with the guy who lives here and could return to Texas with cousins. find our own place to live.
thank you from us.


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Another Nothing Day

nothing...that is what our life has become....we go nowhere, do nothing, see nobody, dont want to talk on phone.....what will happen to us? cnat watch tv...not interested...sit in front of computer, staring at screen...all day! feel sick, tummy hurt, hide awy......cant go on like this....must change...hv to go to bed...late...need sleep.......

"Am I Driving Everyone Away?"

I arrived today to see Doc, in an angry mood. But within minutes I was crying. I feel as if I am driving everyone away! My DIL, then my SIL, my friends do not call as often as they once did. I feel so alone..all the time. I've set my boundaries, at least I think I have set the proper boundaries. So is that why? Because they liked us better with no boundaries, vulnerable, manipulated and blamed? I have always felt "different", that I never belonged, sometimes even invisible. Years later, I stay isolated....is that to keep myself safe, from further harm? Or is it because I feel that I will not be accepted anyway, so why bother? We don't like people looking at us. We feel judged. We feel ugly. We feel worthless. I can not remember a thing about "T" today...not one thing except crying and feeling lonely and sad. What words from Doc am I missing? I feel very confused and blank.
Nothing more to write because I don't know anything..........


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL

Hope all of you Fathers had a wonderful day! And all you women, raising your children without their Father....hope your day was special...because YOU are.

we r not writing tonite, cuz we r depressed and don't want to ruin this holiday.

nite......
"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Just Unbelievable!!!!"

So the man that lives here...his sister is a psychologist. She just called and I answered the phone. We talk about this and that...then I ask her if she has heard from the DIL...she says no. I tell her, well we are not speaking, due to some hateful Emails she wrote to me 2 weeks ago. I tell her a little of what the DIL said and she replies with "Well we have all had brutal childhoods, I have just decided to put it in the the past where it belongs and live a happier life." then...."You know, some people just do not understand depression, because SOME do people push themselves to go out and do things and find they are much happier." I saw RED! So I told her it was not just depression, but DID and Panic/Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia. She again minimized my illness, by saying, sometimes it is just better to leave it all in the past. This, coming from a Psychologist????????????? First of all...how dare her 'assume' she knows anything about my childhood traumas, and secondly suggest, not once, but twice, that I need to just let it all go, and go on with my life!!!! Before giving the phone to the man who lives here, I told her, well I have boundaries and if people can not accept me for who I am, then I do not need those people in my life.....then said here's your Brother. He went out on the porch to talk to her, so have no idea what was said between them....and honestly I don't care! I so want out of this marriage, this family and away from all of them. I think the whole lot of them are hiding their heads in the sand. They all have some pretty severe issues, they have not dealt with at all! That is their business, but do not tell me to just let the atrocities put upon me, go! I've totally had it with all of them. I am so angry and hurt and feel so unimportant to any of them. I may just have to jump start my "plan" and just pack my stuff and leave! I was trying very hard to pay off bills and then attempt to sell the house and not leave all of that debt on his shoulders. But now, I just don't think I can do this any longer. Staying here does not seem to be an option for me anymore. Where will I go? I have some choices. I will discuss these with Doc on Monday.
See US I can rant without one single cuss word.....grin.........

Sueann

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Father's Day Coming Up"

this Sunday is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to all of my friends!

the man that lives here will be visiting his son and the DIL and grandson on Sunday. I will not be joining him. It is sad. The DIL has caused much anger and hurt and we have not heard from any of them. so...we are keeping our boundaries in place and we are not going over there.
Our Dad lives in another state, along with the rest of our immediate family, so we will not be seeing him either.
We remember Father's Day during our childhood. We were forced to go and visit "The Dad", by Mother. The spell of Old Spice makes us want to puke. ew.........

Talked to Mother today. She seems not to hear anything we have tried to tell her......today she again said kids need their asses slapped.....we sighed.....she asked "what?".....we said...we asked you to please not say that....we do not believe in hurting children in any way. Again, her reply, well that is why kids are so rotten these days. ummm...these days? she always told us we were rotten...so guess kids from all eras are just plain rotten and should be beaten!

our little brother called us today. after talking for awhile, he asked if he could ask me some questions.....we said well sure...he said well it's about your childhood....see this Brother is our half brother but we never call him that or think of him in that way...we are just so happy he did not have to endure having "the Dad" for a father. well, he said he knew some of what we went through with "the Dad" and he wanted to know why my deceased Brother did not beat "the Dad" after he became older. well we said...he did not remember the abuse either...and in fact he told us when we came out of the nut house...that if he had been sexually abused he did NOT want to know about it. Our little brother was a little stunned to hear that....but that is what he told me. We love our little bother...he was born when we were sixteen and we took care of him, because Mother was ill after his birth. so we have remained close. our Mother never hit him...never. he asked us why, do you suppose she 'changed'.....we said...she did so because our Dad would never put up with her beating any child. our Brother said it is hard for him to imagine our Mother ever being like that. we found ourselves explaining how frustrated she was, young with 3 small children...and that she took that frustration out on us. then I quickly added...that does not make what she did to us okay...and he said yes he understood that. why are we talking about this?

nite
rainbow~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"What's Happening to Me?"

More and more lately, I can not remember things...like for example, I had a topic I wanted to write about tonight...but I can NOT remember what it was. I can't follow conversations either...I get lost and have to ask people to repeat what they have just said. I become distracted easily. I started dinner tonight, then walked into the computer room and began playing a game...and dinner burned....I had totally forgotten about it. The man who lives here will say something to me...and I just look at him...because in a split second, I am totally lost and have no idea what he just said. This is all very annoying and the only answer I can seem to come up with is....I am switching....a lot. I am not aware of it, if that is indeed what is happening. And that thing with the hands, it is happening again. I watch my hands doing chores or typing but they are NOT my hands and I have no idea who they belong to! I have lists of things that I want to accomplish during the day....but I never seem to get any of the items completed. I may start one or two of them, but I never complete them. I forgot I even have a list. Then I will see it, in plain sight and wonder where did it come from...was it always just sitting there and I just missed it? Phone calls from my Mother are so confusing! Usually, I listen, not with my heart, but I do listen...but lately, I don't know half of what she has said. She accuses me of doing something else while I am on the phone with her. But that is not the case. I just get lost. What is happening to me? I have been seeing Doc for over a year now and last Monday I passed the office 3 times and had to turn around...what is that about? It is already 4 in the morning and I have no idea where the day went. My vision is once again, blurry and at times things look small and far away. I feel like I am not here...that I am somewhere else...but where???????????

Sueann

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"We Received An Award!!!"

<======= we got this award to day from Mike....thank you Mike! we are so proud! Mike is a Viet Nam Vet....and we say thank you for serving our Country...and for the Freedom we should never ever take for granted. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE!

it's a very good feeling to know that someone believes we make a difference in this world....that is all we have ever wanted to do! especially for children. someday, we hope to publish our Poems and maybe write our stories. Melinda grades 1-6 had one of her poems published. so proud! it's difficult to find the right publisher for our type of work. we were invited to write for a publication in Canada....but we just never sent them anything. we thought maybe not good enough. but now....we think...maybe, just maybe we try and live up to this wonderful, heart warming award from Mike.

stayed up very late and then slept in. tired now. wanted to say that the 'vision' or whatever you want to call it is back.....uh huh....saw it today...to the left...again. scared everyone. who is it? we don't know. can't really say it is definitely a "form of a person"....cuz we can not see it clearly...when we turn our heads to look...it goes poof! but we 'feel' it standing beside us....very very spooky...

we did not do anything today.

Poem for Mike

"A Soldier's Call To Arms"

A list with numbers,
counting down the days
When he leaves his loved ones,
goes far away.

Still a young man
with hopes and dreams,
All put on hold
For his Country, it seems.

He hears of other men
running away,
He hears their shouts,
"Go to War, no way".

His heart speaks to him
it asks "will you go"?
This brave man answers,
"I can not say no".

He loves his Country
though he may not agree,
But will fight for his Nation,
So it remains free.

A Soldier, a man
leaves his home one day,
To return as a Hero
What price did he pay?

SEMPER FI oooRAH PEACE! God/Country/Family

thank you, Mike from "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Day Time Post....Trying Again"

First we want to thank everyone for your supporting comments! Second we want to thank new friends for coming to the Haunted House and WELCOME!

ok then! hey everybody! how's it goin? wanted to say again how wonderful our DOC is, giving up his own time, to support us. DOC ROCKS!

This is Susannah, and hardly nothin scares me! Well, some things do...like the word "hospital". But we ain't goin to no hospital! We will find PEACE within, it will take time. Since seeing Doc yesterday, the "little ones" have come out more...not a lot...but working on it. We are getting more rest, although still up until 4:00 AM, but slept in.

Here's a list....of "us" and how we "feel" and what we "need" today" (the following are only the ones who want to be included)

MElinda1 - sad
MElinda grades 1-6 - needs to draw
Emma Grace + - Prayers
Sarah - lonely, needs someone to talk to
Anger - calmer, but still needs to vent
Rage - pissed off
Rainbow - needs hugs, needs clothes, feels neglected
Eight - silence is golden only if you aint DID
Rocking Girl - silent, feels alone and isolated
Guardian - watchful, protective
Sueann - confused, just wants to run away

That is what is going on inside, as best I can tell. And me, well I feel...I dunno...disappointed, somewhat... sad, that we have fallen back in our progress. But always optimistic that we will survive.

Peace,
Susannah~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"No Rant...We Promise"

Saw our Doc today. We are more calm, not so angry, seeing things more clearly now.

We know it is not anyone's fault, the lay off happened. We never meant to sound as if we were blaming anyone. Change, especially sudden change, causes much chaos inside. We came to understand in "T" today, that our anger is really about no private time, no alone time. When we sit at this computer to write, the man who lives here, is usually upstairs asleep. We feel it is safe then, for "us" to put our feelings here, to allow everyone to say what they wish to be said. We push the wall down, come out and we write and it all flows so freely. Tonight, we are writing, while the man is in the other room watching TV. It's sort of like a "test". Can we let our guard down? Can we concentrate? Do we feel safe? ummmmm nope....so we will be back later to write......sorry, we tried...

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Another Day of Hating Everything"

Well I had no visitors, or I should say comments, about the post yesterday....can't say as we blame you. What a rant...huh? Well, today was no better. So if you are reading this...you may want to step out side the Haunted House, and come back another day
.
A new visitor did come here last night and left a comment. We know that she meant well, and we thank her! But we have been through many Therapy courses of Cognitive Thinking and we know the list thingy....draw a line down the middle of the paper...write your negative thought...then on the other side of the line turn that negative into a positive...oh we have done all of that already. We are way beyond, we are done with that...it did not work...because there are too many of us and we all have different opinions and thoughts about everything! Yes, we also know we are not the only ones in the world suffering....and if we sounded self absorbed...it's because at this stage in our life, we are! We are so damn tired of always coming up empty in life. We have empathy for others...we are not without compassion...but right now...we are so angry! It's as if everything that has happened in our life, has all come together into a gigantic ball of ANGER!!! We just want it to stop!!!! We are to the point that if one more thing is put on us we will burst!!! Fly into gazillions of pieces!! We want to scream, until we can scream no more. Though we feel like crying...we are wayyyy to angry to cry! We are so mentally crippled, we don't even know that we can take care of ourselves!!! We have no one....and we mean no one....that can relate to even the mere idea of being Multiples! We don't even understand ourselves at times. So tired of the racing thoughts, the whispers, the acting out, the inappropriate times when laugh, or cry, or become a child, then an adult, it's too much!!!! We are a walking, talking FREAK show!!! WE CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Refuse to sign any names.....

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"It MUST Be My Fault!"

It's 3:40 AM. Can't sleep...too much on my mind. The lay off, the Health Care, finding a way out.

I have been sitting here thinking about my life. I can come to no other conclusion other than, the entire mess of MY life is MY fault! How long can one blame Child Abuse for the shambles their life has been? I understand, that as a child, abuse stole my innocence, my spirit, my "being" a child....but I have been in and out of "T" for a very long time. I've listened and I've learned so much about behaviors, boundaries, making unhealthy choices <---------- again linked to Child Abuse. I am no longer a child!!! I am a grown woman and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This will all end, only when I am no more. I am in a vicious cycle of misery. I just want it to stop! Every time I see some progress, I am knocked down again. This is the pattern of my entire life. I'm so tired of it all. I've taken care of sick people, I have been there for other's, I have always tried my best to be a good person. It doesn't matter what I do, my life becomes a living hell. Monday, may be the last I can see Doc, for awhile, that is depressing. That is more than depressing, it is frightening! I do not have the strength or the knowledge to deal with all of my "conditions". I look around, I see happy people, couples in love, married people with children and I have to ask....why don't I have all those things? The only answer in my head is because you do not deserve them. I am like the Poster Woman for 'How to make a complete mess of your life'! WTF! At the age of 18 when I left home, I had dreams, I had hope I just knew I was going to make a difference. HA! None of my dreams materialized, my hope has been gone for years, and I have made no difference on anything or anyone. I squandered the only life I am ever going to have....and it is MY fault. Please, friends, that may read this...do not tell me that my reward will be in heaven, or that God will take care of me....I am too bitter and too sorrowful for any of that to impact my brain. I do not intend to offend anyone. I just have no connection to that particular subject. I love all of you, would never want you to be hurt. I believe the only thing that may have saved me....was me....and I screwed everything up! I despise the person I have come to be. I am weak and helpless. I am so angry! Where is the justification in all of this? Only certain people deserve happiness, children, good marriages? Why must some suffer and others not? If there is a God, and he is all powerful, as I was taught as a child, then why didn't he take the misery and pain away? Oh I know...we are not to question HIM, the answers will be revealed....when? After I am dead...what the hell good will those answers be to me then? I remember when my Gram passed away, her Sister standing beside me at the coffin, saying "she knows all the answers now"...and I remember thinking...so what? She is dead, what good does that do her now? My Gram was a good woman. She did not cast any aversions on others. She was not without her own demons. She drank, her marriage was not a happy one, she was stuck with her daughter and her three kids most of her life, but she did not complain....ever. She held me when I was sick or afraid. When she passed away, I was so lost, so fearful of life without her. I miss her so much!

I'm not signing this with a name....I don't know who the hell I am anymore!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Just The Icing On The Cake"

this just tops everything....the man who lives here was just layed off....yep....no job. that means some struggle financially, but it also means he will be here 24/7....no time for "us". that may sound selfish, and we do not mean that it should, but if we don't have time to ourselves, we shall perish! this house is our haven. we feel safe here, most of the time. we talk aloud, when no one is around. we laugh, sometimes we cry and we even argue aloud. we must have our time alone. what to do? we want to just run away...but no where to go. we feel suffocated. we want to just give up. we want to cry, but not when he is here. keeping crying in makes us want to throw up. now head hurts too. this is not going to work. we had a plan, but now that seems unreachable. is there even a place in this world for "us"? do we even want to go on living? why? what is there to look forward to in our life? more the same crap. nothing our whole entire life has worked out for us...not never. we not feeling sorry for ourselves neither...no we are not! we had phone call from man cousin. wanted to know if we go to graduation party for other cousin. we say no...he say...you never go to anything! you need to get out of the house and you will be better. we tell him...no that is not the answer...and he laugh and say...then stay there and not have fun with family. fun?????? none of that family is any fun... all full of themselves and their possessions, bragging all the time. life really sucks..............................................................................................................

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Unexpected"

Wow......our bestest friend IRL said some things that were totally unexpected to us by Email... she is coming into town the end of this week. she will be staying about 90 minutes away from us. she can drive to see us, cuz her Mom is ill. we told her about our problems sleeping and that one of us has already backed our car into a pole...lol...Doc told us to NOT let Rainbow drive...ha ha ah.....she don't drive....*snort anyways, we told her we let her know if we up to driving that far. she accepted that. but then we told her about the sleeping pills an how afraid of over-dosing...and the note we tied on the bottle. she say something that threw us all into disbelief. she said I should threaten everyone...tell them if they take extra pills they will be punished.........OHHHH.........wrong, wrong thing to say. I tell her no...we nurture, we do not punish...hv had enough punishment. we feel disappointed, sad and horrified...because she is one of our trustees. so we have made decision...no we don't drive to see her.....and we sorry we won't get to see her cuz we love her. but now we must learn to trust her again. she must gain our trust. we know she meant no harm to us...but still it scared us. it was like the words jumped off the page into our faces!

we see Dr. today.....she say we look tired....blood pressure up....she gave us new sleeping pills...said they will work. she sending us to specialist...cuz our throat has been horswe for 2 months...shw say polups, maybe. oh we r tired tonite...go to bed now and sleep. big day tomorrow.....ummmm hv no idea why.... lots of switching, so dont know why big day tomorrow.....hmmmmmm

nite nie
rocking girl

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"An Offer WE Must Refuse"

seems Mother and Dad are worried about us.....Mother says we seem like different....*snort yea, that we are! they want us to come home for a visit. we said we did not think that right now is a good time for us to be driving 4 hours, that we are so very tired all the time. and visiting them....well....they get up at 5 in the morning....we would just be going to sleep. always, always, we feel guilty when we visit, cuz we dont freakin want to get up at 5 in the morning....geeeeeezzzzzzzzzzz. we thought when you get old, old you sleep more, but guess that is not the case. course my Dad eats dinner...err wait..supper...Mother becomes upset when we call it dinner.....where was we...oh Dad eats SUPPER and then sleeps the rest of the nite on the couch until Mother wakes him and sends him to bed. ha ha ah no wonder he can get up at 5 in the morning. b'sides we just want to be alone right now. no privacy there at their house. no computer either. so we not going. we did sleep more last night....no sleeping pills either. just dog ass tired is all. we hve dr. appt. tomorrow morning. not with our Doc....with regular dr. every month we see her....just to get meds refilled.....dont guess she ever hears of refills...... well....we going to go draw now....maybe something show up....sometimes it helps to draw...we draw not very good but we draw what comes to us. miss my gram...............

sarah~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Scattered"

Finally went to sleep last night about 3:30 AM and slept for 6 hours. Still am so exhausted. Needed some alone time, but will go back to bed when HE gets home. Still feeling scattered, can't follow conversations on the phone, feeling so confused and unreal. If only there were someone to talk with, someone that would understand. Really very depressed! Legs and arms feel leaden, won't move, just no energy or motivation.

Again, I apologize for not coming around to visit everyone. Just can't right now.

rainbow~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Exhausted!!!!"

Saw Doc today....we are totally exhausted! We were told 6 1/2 times (we counted...and interrupted or it would be 7 times) that we must have sleep. Although everyone realizes we share the same ole body. some just love staying up late and playing on the computer. All of us were given a good talking to by our Doc about the the body's need for sleep, and we all agree, that yes, we are just so very tired.

We did want to make some comments about the "seeing things" thingy...cuz someone we care a lot about (a visitor here at the Haunted House) has been experiencing the same thing or something close to it. GET SOME SLEEP, please! If we can do it with all our differences of opinion, we know that you can.....and you know who you are.....please sleep.

We said at "T" we feel a bit afraid to take sleeping pills. Why? Well...because one of us could take one.......then later, another may take one....and so on and so on. We made a plan. We will take one. We have written a note that says YOU TOOK A SLEEPING PILL AT 9PM ON JUNE 8TH! DO NOT TAKE ANYMORE....with a small reminder.....THE HOSPITAL IS NOT A HAPPY PLACE! We will put this note around the bottle of pills and hopefully this will stop any of the "others" from taking more. Right at this moment, there is some disagreement about the bedtime hour. The man that lives here goes to bed at 9PM and some of "us" need time to ourselves. Seeing Doc's concerned face today. really helped everyone to come to an understanding. We know we can not continue and enjoy our progress unless we are well rested. Thank you, Doc, our friend!

No word from the DIL. Did not really have much time to talk of that situation today at "T".

Nite to all of you.....HUGS!

rainbow~


ADD ON - IT IS NOW 12:01 am....STILL AWAKE....NOT REALLY WANTING TO TAKE ANOTHER SLEEPING PILL!!! WILL THIS EVER END????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Something New and a Confrontation"

Needless to say, the past few days have been emotionally draining. Have not heard another word from DIL....but really did not expect to hear from her. Have no idea how this will play out. Keeping boundaries in place.

Now something new has been happening and to say it is frightening, is putting it mildly. Oh this is going to sound as if insanity is now an absolute! We are seeing things! Sitting at the computer last night, ready to post here at the Haunted House, we saw 'someone', standing close and to the left of us. When we gasped and turned to look the person or vision was gone. We shut down the computer and watched a three hour movie, all the while awaiting the vision to return. This happened more than one time yesterday. To be absolutely truthful, it's been happening for awhile. Just too afraid to admit it to ourselves. Not only do we see someone, or something, we feel the presence, as well! What's happening? Is this a sign of some new Mental Illness?

We have a neighbor that we do not know well. She has shared, in the past, that she is a member of AA , 5 years clean and sober. Yesterday, she approached me, while I was doing yard work, to tell me that she was drunk. I asked her if she had called her Sponsor, had she stopped attending her meetings, all the while wondering why me, why has she chosen me, when we barely know one another? Suddenly some kind, loving posts, that I have read here from some of you, shot through my mind....and I remembered that 'things happen for a reason, we may not see that reason immediately' (not a direct quote from anyone) so I decided to listen, try to understand and perhaps in doing so, give her a way to release her pain. She cried, telling me that things have been rough for her lately, that she had recently lost 2 of her friends, her finances were sorely lacking and so on. Suddenly she seem to leap at us, throwing her arms around us, sobbing. Naturally, a RED ALERT sounded off in our head, someone we barely know, touching us, causing a total FREAK OUT!!!! Once we were able to disengage from her grasp, we told her to go to a meeting now! Bottom line, she asked ME, do you think it would be okay if I don't tell them about the drinking? I gently reminded her, that she really needed to call her sponsor and discuss all of this, that I was NOT the right person to ask. She talked for awhile longer, mostly to herself, and I made some excuse to leave, and she went home. ummmm....Now I can't remember why I even brought this up........ I just know that this experience caused many emotions within. Sorrow, additional fear of going out, even in my own yard, sadness for all the suffering people and a sense of the inability to 'help' her. Why is it I feel the need to help 'everyone'? I hate that she reached out to me and all I could do was tell her to call her sponsor and go to a meeting. Is it possible I have put up barriers, instead of boundaries?

Sueann with help from the "others"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Stinking Thinking"

Another Email awaited me this morning from DIL. It appears not one single, solitary word I wrote to her means anything to her. I no longer feel angry, quite the contrary, I feel, well nothing. The lot of us are shut down. I am so very tired from lack of sleep. My throat hurts, head hurts, voice is just about gone and my eyes look like two piss holes in the snow (one of my Gram's favorite expressions). I did mange to get a shower and that did bring some relief to this tired body. I chose to NOT answer this latest Email. Why waste my time? She is not hearing me. I have re-read all the Emails and have come to the conclusion that her expectation of me, when I married her Father-in-Law 2 and a half years ago, was that I would somehow "make this a family". I wrote, in one of my Emails, last night and finally told her that I have no marriage. That I had been deceived and rushed into a marriage, that has no joy, no closeness, no communication, no empathy and continued to tell her I did not want to spend the rest of my years so unhappy. Her reply, which was the Email I received this morning, did not, in any way, address a single word I wrote. She just continued with her own agenda. It's allabouther! Hey, that's ok. I am not a Therapist, but I have learned so many important lessons IN Therapy. This woman has issues, big issues! I love her dearly, I do. I have seen her display such anger and rage over, what she perceives to be, direct slights to her. When in fact, in most cases, are problems or situations she herself has caused. My Grandson, is 12 years old. He goes to a private school, because she does not want him exposed to drugs and violence of a public school, and I back her on that one. He is a great kid and I am very proud of him. He started summer league football last year, and I picked him up from school, every day, except my "T" day, took him to his home, left him there to do whatever, then he would call me, and I went back over, got him and drove him to football practice. I did not complain, nor did I tell her how very difficult it was for me to go out, to leave the safety of my home. I did not miss any of his games, again so very difficult. Now it is nearing time for practice to begin again. Because my DIL and I are not in touch as much as we were last year, I think she is very angry because she doesn't know if I will agree to doing the same thing this year. Truthfully, I have been 'gearing up', trying to convince myself, that I owe my Grandson that much, and would have told her yes. But now, I am handing that duty over to his Grandfather. I have done the best I can possibly do to accommodate everyone else to the point of ignoring what is in my best interest, in my Journey towards reaching my goal of health and happiness. I am done! I must put all my resources and my strength into getting well. I must protect myself and the "others" from feelings of worthlessness, of being forced into situations that are so uncomfortable and fearful. The DIL can accept me/us for who we are, or she can walk away and dwell in her anger, where seems to find such comfort. I just can do no more. I am too tired and beat down...........

Rainbow~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Then The Bottom Falls Out"

Just knew it was too good to be true, that we would find some peace!~

Our Daughter-in-law sent us some Emails tonight. They were angry Emails....all directed at us. What have we done? We have not conformed to what she believes we should be as a Mother-in-law, a Step- Mother and a Gramma. She is angry that we have been ill and unable to leave the house. She is angry because we did not spend every day with her while she was recovering from major surgery. She doesn't want her son to remember us as the Gramma who was always too ill to spend time with him. She loves playing the "Grandson Card", attempting to cause us to feel guilty. She proceeded to tell us what we think and feel. She raged about us never wanting to go anywhere or do things. She is angry because we do not call her. She told us to "get over it" and start living our life. She said many hurtful things, which caused much crying and extreme hurt inside.

We replied to her. We explained that our illness prevented us from even wanting to go out. We explained how horrific the abuse in our lives had been and how very hard we are working toward recovery and understanding that the things that happened were not our fault. We asked that she not judge us, not blame us. We have asked her in the past to read about DID on-line so that she would have a better understanding of what it is like to live with DID. Of course she never did this, and we pointed this out. We also asked her if it were a physical illness, would she be able to accept it as okay. We reminded her that several times we have tried to tell her about our childhood, but that she seemed uninterested, so we stopped trying.

We received a return reply, that was full of rage, again directed at us. She told us we were selfish and self-centered and only cared about ourselves. She said she is very angry with us because we are not the Gramma her son needs. She said we brush off her invitations to her home because we have some kind of phobia...she said that was bullshit! She said we were not the only ones that had lived a childhood of abuse, that she too had suffered. ( we knew this because that is all she ever talks about...how bad her Mother treated her) We know everything about her.....she knows nothing about us, because she has never taken the time to listen, to care.

We sent one back to her and this time our anger surfaced. We told her that all she was concerned about was having her own needs met and the hell with ours. We reminded her that we had changed our date to help Mother with Spring cleaning so that we could be at the hospital for her surgery. We told her we are ill and that we are working very hard in Therapy to repair the damage that has been done to us, so that we may be healthy and live our life and interact with others. We finally became so upset, we asked that she not write us anymore tonight, that we could not handle any additional stress and emotional upheaval.

Then we really did a stupid thing....we called Mother. We were crying and reading the Emails to her, asking why no one can ever accept us for ourselves. What is so wrong with us, that everyone thinks they have to mold us to fit their idea of what we should be, how we should act. Mother said we were reading more into it, that our Daughter-in-law was just upset that we don't visit her and that we should try to go over there and smooth things over. WE saw RED!!@@@ We yelled at Mother, saying you always side with everyone against us...why???? We were angry and sobbing and we finally said we can't talk to you and we hung up. We sobbed for a long time, wishing we could just disappear, die, be done with this horror, called life. After a long while, we called Mother back and said we were sorry we had yelled and hung up on her. Mother said, I was not sticking up for her....we came back with oh yes you were, you have always minimized our feelings. ADD ON- We talked with Mother for over an hour when we called her back. We were able to voice how we felt about our childhood, about her non-validation of us. We told her we always felt afraid and unloved. We told her we felt resentful that she was never there for us...ever! We told her we can no longer listen to her making fun of people and that our belief is to treat others as you would want to be treated. We spoke of how different we are, as women. We spoke of many things that have been left unsaid for too long. She cried, we cried, but we feel we have come to a new level, a safer level in our relationship with her.

To make a long story short.....we hate everyone right now! We don't trust anyone! Every time we get close to someone they turn on us like some feral animal. We can not take this anymore. We want it to be over...our life is just so filled with turmoil and frustration and sadness. We thought we were doing the right thing, setting our own needs as our priority, for once in our life. Then someone we assumed loved us, blames us, shames us and turns their back on us. We don't know, nor do we care at this point, how all of this will play out. We do know that we love our Grandson so much and the thought of not seeing him is unbearable. Death looks very good to us at this moment.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"A Ray of Sunshine"

After "T" today, we felt a ray of sunshine beginning to appear within our reach. "Us" are starting to communicate more with each other, and with Doc, and are "coming out" more as well. The Spacing in and Out is definitely dissociation. It appears it is now happening more frequently and by more and more of the alters. That IS progress! We felt so happy! Our art work is revealing more of the suppressed memories, but we still have a long journey ahead of us. We want to work towards functioning, and a full understanding of all that happened to "us". We want to 'believe' it was not our fault, and really 'feel' it was not our fault. Because we have been blamed for being BAD, UGLY, ROTTEN, HATEFUL, STUPID etc. we have believed that we WERE all those things! We are now learning WE were not, that we were horrifically neglected along with the abuse, and none of our basic needs were ever met! We were never believed, no matter how persistent we were, we were ignored or beaten or shamed. However our new found ray of sunshine, was soon over shadowed by a call from Mother.

After complaining about her hair, our Brother and Sister, and talking over us, when we could get a word in, she began telling us of a story in the news. A little girl had been kidnapped she told us. But....now get this.....it was all the girl's Mother's fault.....why? because she allowed her daughter to go and play at a house where a known Sex Offender lived!!!! WTF? She went on and on about how horrible this woman was, and how she could not believe she would allow her daughter to go to that house. We remained silent, as she ranted. Inside everyone was so hurt, so angry, so enveloped in disbelief.....we finally just told her we had to go. Here is this woman ranting about this story of someone she does not even know, when she did exactly the same fuc%%% thing to her own children!!!! We don't care if she denies knowing what "The Dad" was like....she KNEW! We don't care if she pretends all of our childhood physical ailments were just a kidney infection, or that when we had bouts of crying and were unable to stop, giving us a pill and telling us to shut up was her way of nurturing....we are pissed as hell!!!!!! She always feels empathy for others....never for us! We have strvied for her validation, her approval all of our lives! We see now, we will never ever get it! We are just her sounding board. We are just someone to sit on the other end of the damn phone and listen....she does not even ask how we are doing! She ruined our sunshine day, damn her!!! The headache returned, along with tummy pain, nausea and feelings of hopelessness. We went to bed and slept. Now we are awake and are so angry and we don't know what to do with this anger!!! We came here to write, then we are going to use our art work and draw, anything that may bring us back to the sunshine feeling. Thankfully our Doc has manipulated his schedule to accommodate us, and we will be seeing him on Monday afternoon, (he's just so good and our friend) so that we have more private time, without the man , who lives, here driving us up a wall. OK...we leave now and draw.

Susannah~ with help from "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Spacing in and Spacing out"

Don't know if "spacing" is the correct description of what has been happening to us the past 2 days. We will ask Doc tomorrow. Let me see if we can just list the strange things that have happened:

Feels like in a Fog
Forget what we were just about to do
Not finishing anything we started
Hearing just bits and pieces of conversation (applies to phone calls as well)
Noises are so irritating....grrrrrrrrrrr
Thoughts come into head....that are normally things we never think about
Feeling younger, much younger
Feeling older
Laughing inappropriately
Discover we are crying
Feeling intruded upon
Not being able to find things around the house
Some vision changes....like can read, then can't see, to read
Want to scream when phone rings
Unable to concentrate
Some spurts of Euphoria
Unable to ..... damn it....lost entire train of thoughts

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Things That Go Bump In The Night"

It's almost 4 AM. We are unable to sleep...racing thoughts, once again envelope our mind. Voices, whispering, counting, counting, crying and so much sadness. So we are awake and feel the need to write.

Things That Go Bump In The Night

Footsteps, quietly moving through the house.
A door opening, then swiftly closing oh so quietly.
The clock ticking.
The wind blowing.
The feelings inside.
The voices inside.
A different voice whispering....ready to play the game?
The same voice whispering, you like, you always do. Such a sweet little girl.
A hand removing her jammies.
Screams, but silent screams....still deafening.
No No No without sound.
Begging Stop with no voice
Finally gone inside head
Footsteps walking quietly moving.
Door opens, closes.
Numbness...sweet, welcomed death.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".