RAINBOWS AND OCD

Rainbows are special to me.
As a child, I was a bit of a loner, always knowing that I was "different" than my schoolmates. I spent so many summer days, lying in the grass, looking up at the sky. I remember counting the clouds, then counting them again and again and again! Also I remember a berry bush at the side of the "Haunted House". If I wanted...let's say....a quarter to buy some candy at the local store, I would run around the berry bush a pre-determined amount of times, always making sure I remembered that number of runs. Then I would go into the "Haunted House" and ask my Gram for a quarter. If she told me no, the next time I wanted to ask for a quarter, I would add an extra "run" around the berry bush. I rationalized that I had not circled the berry bush enough times to gain that much wanted quarter. I repeated this ritual as many times as it took to get that quarter!

Another ritual that sticks in my mind is pretty bizarre, even for me. Across from the kitchen sink in the "Haunted House", were the steps leading to the upstairs bedrooms. The kitchen spigot leaked....drip...drip...drip. I would sit on the first step and watch the dripping spigot...drip...drip...drip. After awhile of watching and counting those drips, I would challenge myself to tie my shoes before a certain number of drips could fall into the sink.

What was I expecting from these rituals? Freedom from the abuse, I believe. Silly...right? No, not silly...it's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a type of anxiety disorder, is a potentially disabling illness that traps people in endless cycles of repetitive thoughts and behaviors. People with OCD are plagued by recurring and distressing thoughts, fears or images (obsessions) that they cannot control. The anxiety (nervousness) produced by these thoughts leads to an urgent need to perform certain rituals or routines (compulsions). The compulsive rituals are performed in an attempt to prevent the obsessive thoughts or make them go away.

Although the ritual may make the anxiety go away temporarily, the person must perform the ritual again when the obsessive thoughts return. This OCD cycle can progress to the point of taking up hours of the person's day and significantly interfering with normal activities. People with OCD may be aware that their obsessions and compulsions are senseless or unrealistic, but they cannot stop themselves.

The symptoms of OCD, which are the obsessions and compulsions, may vary. Common obsessions include:
Fear of dirt or contamination by germs.
Fear of causing harm to another.
Fear of making a mistake.
Fear of being embarrassed or behaving in a socially unacceptable manner.
Fear of thinking evil or sinful thoughts.
Need for order, symmetry or exactness.
Excessive doubt and the need for constant reassurance.

Common compulsions include:
Repeatedly bathing, showering or washing hands.
Refusing to shake hands or touch doorknobs.
Repeatedly checking things, such as locks or stoves.
Constant counting, mentally or aloud, while performing routine tasks.
Constantly arranging things in a certain way.
Eating foods in a specific order.
Being stuck on words, images or thoughts, usually disturbing, that won't go away and can interfere with sleep.
Repeating specific words, phrases or prayers.
Needing to perform tasks a certain number of times.
Collecting or hoarding items with no apparent value.

Yes, you guessed it...this is another one of my Disorders! To this day, I check the locks on the doors at night, a minimum of 6 times, both front and back doors. I can not tolerate misspelling a word or grammatical errors. I count anything striped or squared, and if I lose my place, well, I start all over again. I have racing thoughts every night, as a result, I am sleep deprived. The thoughts are as quick as train boxcars, moving down the tracks at a fast clip. I have many more rituals and they will be discussed by "others" in the future.

There are environmental stressors that can trigger OCD in people with a tendency toward developing the condition. Certain environmental factors may also cause a worsening of symptoms. These factors include:

Abuse - ya think?
Changes in living situation
Illness
Death of a loved one
Work- or school-related changes or problems
Relationship concerns

OCD afflicts about 3.3 million adults and about 1 million children and adolescents in the U.S. The disorder usually first appears in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood. It occurs about equally in men and women and affects people of all races and socioeconomic backgrounds.

Well I'm not alone in this. That "should" make me feel a bit better....but it does not. I hate that I can not stop the thoughts and rituals! I hate that I am so caught up in OCD that it has been one of the "rules" in my life since childhood. Things I "must" do, "things" I can not stop. Oh I have tried the recommended medications prescribed for OCD and none of them have worked for me. The reason....there are the "others". One medication may work for MElinda but not work for Susannah and vice verse. WOW! I think I just made a connection between DID and OCD.

That's all for today.....Rainbow will see you later.




"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

My Birthday!

Yes, today is my Birthday. No biggie. Just another day.

I don't remember a single Birthday Party at the "Haunted House". I do remember "The Mom" made a cake and there were candles....but no friends....and no presents. I guess you could call that a Birthday Party. Shouldn't you feel "special" on your Birthday? Shouldn't that one day be for you and you alone?

I remember my 8TH Birthday. It stands out in my mind because "The Mom" was not and had not talked to me in days. This was one of her favorite ways to abuse....the "silent treatment". After several days of pure neglect and even forgetting why she stopped talking to me in the first place, I would do something bad...just to get her attention. My "something bad" usually involved treating my little Sister harshly....hey it was all I knew! My Sister was her favorite, although she was beaten just as I and my Brother were. To this day, my Sister and I do not have a close "sister type" relationship. That causes me to be sad.

Anyway, I will be spending my Birthday here at home, doing nothing special. Birthdays have never been a happy day for me, why should this one be any different. Happy Birthday to me.

BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND EVERY DAY! KICK THAT OLE DEPRESSION IN THE ASS AND GO OUT AND PARTY! PEACE!
(please note: the above is a "switch in identities"....it's Susannah.)



"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

"The Haunted House"

Our Mother and "The Dad" separated when I was 4, my Sister was 3 and my Brother (God Rest His Soul) was a newborn infant. "The Dad" physically abused our Mom. I have a memory of "The Dad" chasing our Mom with a knife. I remember our Mom sitting on a rocking chair, with my Sister in her arms, and "The Dad" tried to push them out through an open 2ND story window. Mostly I remember always being afraid...of just about everything.

Our Mother moved all us into her Parent's home, which soon became the "Haunted House". She never returned to live with "The Dad". My Mother was a frustrated young woman with 3 small children. Living with her strict parents, did not allow her to date or go anywhere. She was angry! She felt cheated! She ultimately began taking her anger and frustration out on "us". She became the physical abuser.

Beatings with a wooden spoon or wooden paddle became too frequent in the "Haunted House". The Mom did not know when to stop hitting. Her fury was rampant. I was her main target, after all I was the reason she "had" to marry "The Dad", and I was the oldest. I remember welts on my bottom and back that where solid red and appeared in the shape of whichever weapon she used. In first grade I had a black eye and scratches on my face. She would chase me through the house, out the door and into the yard, and right there.....beat me. I "left" and disassociated....went away. If was fidgety in Church...she would whisper "just wait until I get you home." She never forgot and as soon as we got home, she beat me.

"The Dad" was by far done with us. "He" came around the "Haunted House" just about every night...very late at night...to threaten us. "He" was going to kill us. When he came around, my Sister and Mom and me would huddle in the big bed. I remember shivering from fear and sobbing. "The Mom" would tell me to shut up or she would send me out to him. I would go "away" in my mind and pretend I was walking in the rain....it became my escape from reality. I have always loved walking in the rain. It is peaceful and I feel safe. Of course "The Dad" never did kill anyone.....at times I wish he had and it would have been me.

The "Haunted House" is still standing, with it's black, haunting windows and it's sorrowful memories. Sometimes, when I visit my hometown, I drive past the "Haunted House." I don't know why I do this. Maybe I hope that someday, it will be torn down, demolished like my childhood. The homemade swing, tied to a tree, is still there....looking lonely....I think it worries that I may be dead.

"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

MElinda - Grades 1-6

"He" is there......
The fear follows him....
sorrounding me, washing over me.

He says "Game".........
The folding begins.....
I go deep inside, where he can not see me.

He plays the "Game".......
I am blank and away.......
covering the memory in black.

When "He' is gone........
Misplaced shame covers my very Soul.........
Crying myself to sleep, praying to die.






"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

Party Girl - Susannah!!!

I am Susannah.....Peace! I am in my 20's, I love to party and dance, and have been told my laugh is infectious. I don't possess many "feelings" because...well I really have no idea why...just don't.

When Sueann's son passed away, her grief was so great she could no longer function. That is when I came to be. I moved to New York and lived with a girl that Sueann knew from High School. I worked at a factory in which large Cardboard Boxes were made. I partied...alot...while living in New York. I was layed off from the factory, because I could not handle such extreme physical labor. It's funny....I only worked there for 3 months, but I have no recall of where I worked or lived for the following 5 months. We are working on that mystery in Therapy.

I was unaware of the "Others" until 2 weeks ago. I thought there was just Sueann and me. The Doc has tried and tried to explain this disorder, but, man I just don't get it. I ain't stupid! But it's like...so far out...and hell I don't want to be considered crazy! Slowly, I am learning, I am "hearing" the "Others" and reading what they write in the Journal. It still freaks me out....and hey...freak out IS a feeling....right? So chock up one "feeling" for the Party Girl!!! Sometimes the "Others" stay up all night, talking, arguing inside our head. Now we ain't delusional says the Doc. But I know I could sure use some damn sleep! I say...someone, anyone...take charge and for God's sake go to sleep! We do have sleeping pills, but "someone" is afraid to take them. I don't know who and Doc says someday everyone will know everyone. I'm still pretty unsure about that one. But Doc sure is cute....ha ha! I told him that right after we met. He actually blushed!

So then after New York I moved to Michigan. If I partied in New York, I doubled that in Michigan. I drank all the time....even had black-outs from the booze...missing time, Doc calls it. Got a tattoo on our back (it's at the top of the left side)....it's so cool...it's a sunburst. Sueann got in to big trouble from "The Mom" for that....giggle....but "she" has done worse to Sueann....much, much worse than a little tattoo. But that is Sueann's story and I will let her tell you, when she is ready.

OK, I am out of here for now. PEACE!

Susannah!

"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is a fairly common effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there's also an inability to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, there are also highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with the person's split personality.
The "alters" or different identities have their own age, sex, or race. Each has his or her own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking. Sometimes the alters are imaginary people; sometimes they are animals. As each personality reveals itself and control's the individuals' behavior and thoughts, it's called "switching." Switching can take seconds to minutes to days. When under hypnosis, the person's different "alters" or identities may be very responsive to the therapist's requests.

There are several main ways in which the psychological processes of dissociative identity disorder change the way a person experiences living, including the following:
Depersonalization. This is a sense of being detached from one's body and is often referred to as an "out-of-body" experience.


Derealization. This is the feeling that the world is not real or looking foggy or far away.
Amnesia. This is the failure to recall significant personal information that is so extensive it cannot be blamed on ordinary forgetfulness. There can also be micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a meaningful conversation is forgotten from one second to the next.
Identity confusion or identity alteration. Both of these involve a sense of confusion about who a person is. An example of identity confusion is when a person sometimes feels a thrill while engaged in an activity (e.g., reckless driving, DUI, alcohol or drug abuse) which at other times would be revolting. In addition to these apparent alterations, the person may experience distortions in time, place, and situation.

When I was first diagnosed with DID, I left....rather RAN away from.....the Therapist I had been seeing for many years. I never returned. I refused to believe that I could ever have such a "label" put upon me! How could she betray the trust we had developed? I was angry! I was...in denial. Now years later, I sought help for Depression, Sleep Deprevation and lost time. My new Therapist (Psycholigist), after treating me for the past 8 months has diagnosed me with DID.

Now that I have accepted this diagnosis, so many things that have happened in my life, are starting to make sense. I can not count the times I have gotten into my car, with a clear destination in mind, only to end up somewhere completely different, with no memory of how I got there. There are clothes in my closet I don't remember buying. There are many "blank" spaces in my childhood memories. Friends will recount stories of things we have done or places we have gone, to which I have no recall. I have been to gatherings and met people, who seem to know me....but I have no memory of who they are, where we met.

More later...............

"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

Welcome to My Blog

For many of you, this Blog may be difficult to read. The truth be known, it is extremely difficult for me to write. Why then, you may wonder, have I created this Blog. It's for the children, the teens and the adults, they have become, who have suffered from the result of Childhood ABUSE. I am one of those Adults.

I buried, somewhere deep inside, the atrocities put upon me by the very people I trusted, my parents. I made excuses for them. I blamed myself, I thought I deserved to be treated horribly. I thought "abuse" was a normal way of life. I "knew" only what I lived. It took many, many years for me to actually remember what had happened to me. When that day came, the rush of memories became a nightmare to relive. The path to awareness, for me, has taken many years of Therapy, which is still on-going, once a week.

I have issues. I do not trust. I can not give or receive true and lasting love. My ego has been fractured. I have Chronic Depression, Panic/Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the biggie......Dissociative Identity Disorder. This last diagnosis is fairly new. I learned of it about 8 months ago, through intense therapy with a Psychologist, specializing in DID. Later, in another post, I will delve deeper into DID, for it is a complex coping mechanism, which evolved in my early childhood.

For now, I ask of you, to save a child you know or perhaps "think" is suffering from abuse, to please call the Child Abuse Hot line in your area...and SAVE A CHILD!

Thanks for visiting the "Haunted House".