"WE NEED YOU DOC!"

DOC!!!! we need to talk to you and something is wrong with the phones at the office and we can not dial your extension!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plz call us................ :((


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Sh#$ Hits The Fan"

Today was "T" day. We were tired and depressed when arrived and was holding in a ton of pent up anger. The tears ready to flow and we felt full of anxiety. As we sat across from Doc, we actually felt the calmness spread through our body. The anxiety slipped away, the anger lessened but the tears, well just is no way of stopping them.

We talked of many things, but the main topic was my way out of this marriage. Although we thought we had the perfect plan....well because it was our plan....Doc pointed out some, well, flaws in our plan. We will be telling the man that lives here, we want a divorce, and we want him to move out as soon as possible. He has a place to go, so that worry is off our mind.

Upon arriving home from "T", there was the man, sitting on the porch, smiling. We have asked him repeatedly to please allow us our space on "T" day, because we are generally exhausted and just want to be left alone. But why are we surprised that he does not support us in that request, when he offers no support at all?

We came into the house. We asked if anyone had called. He said yes, our cousin from Texas. So we came into the office to check our on-line messages, praying for a message from our new friend. There it was....a funny, light hearted, supportive message from him, and we felt so elated. So thankful for a friend that makes us laugh while still remaining supportive.

Then the phone rang. We glanced at the phone, saw that is was our cousin calling us. We answered, she said get to a place where the man that lives here can not hear our conversation. We immediately become alarmed, wondering what could have happened. Well she proceeded to tell us, that while we were gone she had called us. The man that lives here answered the phone and began questioning her about our new friend. Who was he? Did she know him? Were we having an affair with this man? **snort She knows about our new friend but told him, no she did not know the name....did not know who he was and why would he think we were having an affair when we never go out of the house. He asked her if she thought we did not love him anymore. She said you need to talk about this with her. She said he became angry and said he thought that we wanted a divorce. He said that would mean selling this house that he had worked so hard to buy. Well....first of all....this friend, is just that a friend. He listens to me, he understands me, he offers support and he is a very comforting factor in our lives right now. We are allowed to have friends!!! And it just angers me that this man has been listening in on our conversations!!! And another thing....he did not put the down payment on this house, we did, with our own money. He does not pay the house payment, we do with our own money. What he brought to this marriage was debt! Credit cards, personal loans, weekly payments on tools he must purchase for work and so on. We have managed to pay off most of his credit card debt and his personal loan....with our money! We actually felt some relief that this phone called had happened. It means, he does realize the marriage is over, even if he chose not to speak with us about it. It will lessen the anxiety of actually asking for a divorce, making our needs known to him. As far as our friend, we quickly called him and explained that the man who lives here has his number but in all likely hood would never call. We apologized to our friend and even offered to end the friendship that we hold so dear. But, being the man that he is, he said no, if he calls me I will tell him we are friends and nothing more. Our friend's concern was all for us. He wanted to be sure we would be okay, and asked to please call him back so that he would know we were safe.

Bottom line, we will be talking with the man who lives here on Thursday, after my family leaves to return home. We will tell him what we should have told him 2 years ago, we do not love him, the marriage is not working and that we want more out of relationship than what he is willing or can give us. We will stay strong, we will not allow guilt to consume us, we will maintain our boundaries and we will make it through this and reclaim our freedom. We must...take the steps needed to feel safe again. We look forward to our new life, with renewed hope in our future.

Sarah~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Pretense vs Realism"

I learned yesterday, my Brother, his wife, their daughter and her boyfriend will be coming here on Thursday morning and staying the night. Naturally, I can not wait to see them, to be hugged by my Brother will feel so awesome! I could not allow them to walk into the situation of Pretense, that has been my life for the past 2 years. So I did what I had to do, I told my Brother that I plan, very soon, to leave the man who lives here, and divorce him. It was difficult for me to do. He was not totally unaware, I had told him we were having problems, but had never gone into detail and really still have not told him everything. His first reaction, was one of needing to protect me, his first question, is he abusing you? What I needed him to understand was this, I will not pretend this marriage IS a marriage because he will be visiting. I can not do that. I don't want any of them to feel uncomfortable, but they must understand before arriving, the realism is...there is no marriage. There is nothing.

Being married to a man for over 2 years and knowing nothing about him, is frightening! When I do tell him the marriage is over, how will he react? Will he become angry? Will he hurt us? I have no answers. I will not lie and pretend that these questions do not frighten us, they do! But living with no love or joy or companionship or communication...well, I can not begin to tell you the sadness and misery it brings to our soul. We feel trapped, angry and are concerned for our well being. We also have sadness because we know that this will hurt him....and we do not want to be responsible for hurting anyone. We just can no longer go on living this way. We must break free and start our lives over.

The really downside to all of this...is our "Doc". Our Doc is so important to us. We look to him for guidance in our Journey of Healing. We have so much respect for him and he has become our friend. It causes us great sadness at the thought of never seeing him again! OK...we have to stop, this is just to sad to handle.

Nite,
Me and "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"My Tribute to Michael Jackson"

There may be conflicting comments to this post, and that is fine, what I will not allow to be shown, are any degrading, hateful remarks about MJ. He is one of my favorites, I loved him and I will miss him, his brilliant mind, his songs, his singing and his passion for his art. To me, he IS the Greatest Entertainer of all Time, a Legend, who brought to the music industry and to his fans something no other Artist has.... true musical genius. May he Rest In Peace, Michael Jackson, Writer, Singer, Artist and great Humanitarian.

The first Video is Michael, age 11, singing "Ben". This is the vulnerable, abused boy that I learned to love.

The second Video is Michael, singing "Billye Jean". This is the man, still vulnerable, trying to live his life in the long shadow cast by his abuse.

Being a Survivor of Child Abuse, you may think I would be the last person to dedicate a Post to MJ. In my humble opinion, MJ was convicted by the press and acquitted by law. I may be ringing my own bell when I say this, but I never, for one second doubted his innocence. I listened to my "gut" instinct. It told me, here is a man trapped inside a child's body, trying to live his life the best he can, giving all that he had to his fans. He was a lonely, misunderstood man, who suffered deeply when a great majority of his "fans" turned their back on him, in his time of need. Now we have lost him.....and in my heart the void is vast.

I love you Michael Jackson, and I will miss you. R.I.P. ~~

Sueann/Susannah~~~~~



"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Completely Blind-sided"

this is going to sound totally strange....but coming from us.....maybe not.

we met a new friend on-line. now anyone that goes to chat rooms or MySpace or FaceBook, meets lots of new people, and so, are aware that a person can be anyone they want, on-line. we have many friends on-line that we made lasting friendships with as far back as umm ... think 4 or 5 years, and they are from all over the world. they are special to us, they support us in times of need, they are someone to whom we can talk to without being judged. All, but one of these on-line friends, knows nothing about our DID. to get to the point, one of our friends introduced us to a friend of her's and now this person has become important to us.

when we are writing to this person, we feel we have known them forever...and this person feels the same about us. we have never felt such a connection to someone we have never met IRL before. we have even talked with this person on the phone and it was like talking with an old friend. there was so much laughter and joy and respect and endless stories shared about our lives. you would think, with our issue of trust, we would never even venture to do something this risky. we can only say, we feel we have found a true forever friend. this new friend is going through a divorce, and having a very tough time emotionally. we offer support, which is readily accepted. we too are going through a rough period and will soon, be getting a divorce. our new friend gives us support. is all of this wrong? are we fooling ourselves in believing lasting friendships can be formed this way? are we setting oursevles up for a fall? we only know this...since this person came into our lives, we laugh more, we find joy in life, we feel we really have something to live for, we feel needed and cared about. we have something to look forward to each day. this new friend feels all of this about us also. this connection we have is just unexplainable. well, we guess you could explain it by simply saying, two people meet, both having turmoil and sadness in their lives, they immediately form a bond, they comfort one another, respect one another and they laugh....a lot! there are many miles between us, chances are, we may never meet, but that does not seem to matter. now matters, the time we have now together.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"How Do You Thank People Such As You?"

we have no words to say, that will tell you how we feel about all of you! we have never known such kind, supportive and loving people as you. all of your comments, so helpful to us. your encouragement to write to reach out gives us strength and hope. all of YOU are our support group, our family. we love all of you. US...good guess...you nailed it....ha ha. we got some rest last night...not much..but enough so we do not feel so fearful today. cousins coming from Texas to visit in September...our goal...be much better by then. would be so happy if everything was over with the guy who lives here and could return to Texas with cousins. find our own place to live.
thank you from us.


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Another Nothing Day

nothing...that is what our life has become....we go nowhere, do nothing, see nobody, dont want to talk on phone.....what will happen to us? cnat watch tv...not interested...sit in front of computer, staring at screen...all day! feel sick, tummy hurt, hide awy......cant go on like this....must change...hv to go to bed...late...need sleep.......