About 12 years ago, I received an unexpected phone call from my Sister. I will never forget her angry words "I just called Mother and now I am calling you!" "I was reading the paper today and found an article." "The story is about Adult Women Survivors of child sexual abuse!" "That's what happened to us!" "That is the family secret!" "Why didn't YOU tell anyone?" "You were the oldest!" There were more angry outbursts from her and then she just hung up.
I was living in Texas, with my then Husband, who was recovering from brain surgery and a large stroke. I had no one to talk to about the disturbing phone call. I truly thought my Sister was having a breakdown. I had no idea what she could be talking about! I decided to call Mother and learn what my Sister had said to her.
After speaking with Mother and finding that she "had no idea" what my Sister could be talking about, I sat alone in the dark, trying to remember my childhood. I was shocked to discover I could not remember much of anything. Of course I remembered the beatings at the hands of Mother, and living with my Grandparents. There were so many "blanks", so many "buried" memories. It was if I had not had a childhood at all.
Soon after the phone call from my Sister, I began having anxiety and nightmares and difficulty in sleeping. I was tired all the time. It was effecting my job and my ability to take care of my husband. I was falling apart. I made the decision to contact the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) at work and make a request for a confidential meeting with a representative.
The day I was to meet her, was fraught with anxiety. I had no idea what I was going to tell her. We met in an office alone. Immediately the tears started flowing and I blurted out there was a possibly I had been sexually abused as a child. I explained about the phone call, the nightmares, the anxiety and the inability to sleep. She gave me the phone number of a therapist, working primarily with Adult Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.
I called and made an appointment for the following day, which was a Friday. I walked into her office that Friday afternoon and liked her immediately. She was warm with such a soothing voice and way about her. Through tears, I told her about the phone call and the things that had been happening to me since that call. At the end of the session, she took my hands in hers, and in her quiet voice said "I believe you HAVE been sexually abused. You are clearly Anorexic and I want to admit you to the hospital today." I jumped back, as if I had been slapped in the face. Who would take care of my Husband? I could not lose my job, I was supporting both of us! I thanked her, and said no, I can not go into the hospital, I have a disabled Husband and a job. She told me to think it over and if I changed my mind to call her. Sunday afternoon, after making arrangements for my Sister-in-law to take care of my Husband, calling my Manager, making sure there were groceries in the house, I packed a bag, drove myself to the Psychiatric Hospital and checked in. If I had known then, that this hospital would be my home for the next 3 months, would I have had the courage to go at all?
Next visit to the "Haunted House" - my struggle to find my "lost childhood".
"never miss the opportunity to hug a child"
