"Agoraphobia" - Living in a Fish Bowl

Definition: The word agoraphobia is derived from Greek words literally meaning "fear of the marketplace." The term is used to describe an irrational and often disabling fear of being out in public.

Agoraphobia is best understood as an adverse behavioral outcome of repeated panic attacks and subsequent anxiety and preoccupation with these attacks that leads to an avoidance of situations where a panic attack could occur.

Strange, now that I look back, I remember my first personal "meeting" with Agoraphobia. I was in grade school. Being a Catholic, required leaving school every Thursday afternoon and attending Catechism. On one of these afternoons, the girl, standing beside me, fainted. In my child's mind, I thought she was dead. In complete terror, I ran from the Church, directly to the "Haunted House". Rationally, I knew I would not find comfort or understanding there, but I had no were else to go.

From that point on, lasting for several months, it was a fight every Sunday. I refused to go to Church. I was punished repeatedly. The beatings, the screaming and yelling did nothing to calm my extreme fear! "What was I afraid of", "Did I realize God would send me directly to Hell", "You are nothing but a stupid brat" were the ways in which my family dealt with my all consuming fear. I dealt with my fear in a completely different way....I dissociated. I blocked out the rantings, the beatings, all I wanted and needed was understanding and comfort. Someone to tell me what I was experiencing was okay, that it would pass.

Today, I leave my home only when absolutely necessary. I see my Doc once a week. I run errands only when my Husband can not. I do not visit friends. I do not socialize. I stay hidden away in my home. I dread the Spring and Summer that is eminent. There will be yard work and summer get togethers with friends. My Grandson's baseball games. The fear that I experienced long ago, engulfs my very soul, just thinking about all of these things, which require leaving my home. I don't want this. I want to be outgoing and create new memories with my family and friends. I don't want to live in a Fish Bowl the rest of my life!

The Doc and all of "us" are working on this in my sessions. I pray we find the answer, and a solution, that will allow me, once again, to enjoy life, family and friends.

Rainbow~~~

Pray for the many trapped in their lives by this disabling phobia!


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Rainbows"

Rainbows appear during the rain
Just like I do, during the pain.
Rainbows change a dreary day
Just like I try to make the bad things go away.
Sometimes Rainbows are ignored and not seen
Just as I am.


M~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is a fairly common effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there's also an inability to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, there are also highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with the person's split personality.
The "alters" or different identities have their own age, sex, or race. Each has his or her own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking. Sometimes the alters are imaginary people; sometimes they are animals. As each personality reveals itself and control's the individuals' behavior and thoughts, it's called "switching." Switching can take seconds to minutes to days. When under hypnosis, the person's different "alters" or identities may be very responsive to the therapist's requests.

There are several main ways in which the psychological processes of dissociative identity disorder change the way a person experiences living, including the following:
Depersonalization. This is a sense of being detached from one's body and is often referred to as an "out-of-body" experience.


Derealization. This is the feeling that the world is not real or looking foggy or far away.
Amnesia. This is the failure to recall significant personal information that is so extensive it cannot be blamed on ordinary forgetfulness. There can also be micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a meaningful conversation is forgotten from one second to the next.
Identity confusion or identity alteration. Both of these involve a sense of confusion about who a person is. An example of identity confusion is when a person sometimes feels a thrill while engaged in an activity (e.g., reckless driving, DUI, alcohol or drug abuse) which at other times would be revolting. In addition to these apparent alterations, the person may experience distortions in time, place, and situation.

When I was first diagnosed with DID, I left....rather RAN away from.....the Therapist I had been seeing for many years. I never returned. I refused to believe that I could ever have such a "label" put upon me! How could she betray the trust we had developed? I was angry! I was...in denial. Now years later, I sought help for Depression, Sleep Deprevation and lost time. My new Therapist (Psycholigist), after treating me for the past 8 months has diagnosed me with DID.

Now that I have accepted this diagnosis, so many things that have happened in my life, are starting to make sense. I can not count the times I have gotten into my car, with a clear destination in mind, only to end up somewhere completely different, with no memory of how I got there. There are clothes in my closet I don't remember buying. There are many "blank" spaces in my childhood memories. Friends will recount stories of things we have done or places we have gone, to which I have no recall. I have been to gatherings and met people, who seem to know me....but I have no memory of who they are, where we met.

More later...............

"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."