"Suffocation"

While browsing the web, I found a list (pertaining to incest) of "triggers" that can cause "switching" of alters. One "trigger" on the list was the feeling of suffocation. This immediately brought back a memory!

When I was 6, maybe 7 years old, I began to have an irrational fear of water on my face. I had very long hair and of course, Mother insisted on washing it every other day. I remember holding a wash cloth over my face, I guess to keep the water away. One hair washing day, it was like BAM! I could not breathe! I hear the screams of that little girl, as she struggled to get away from Mother. I hear the panting and gasping of the suffocation. I "feel" how her little heart pounded, I "feel" her fear coursing through her small body. It just came out of nowhere and continued for months! The Mother, unable to handle the little girl, began sending her to a Great Aunt to have her hair washed. The Great Aunt was a strict and very mean woman! She had no compassion for the little girl and even held her head under the water when the little girl struggled and cried. It was pure TERROR! Following soon after, the little girl could not tolerate anything being taken off over her head...like a T-shirt. She felt she would die! Her breathe literally being closed off! During this same period, things began to appear bigger than they actually were...such as the refrigerator...it seemed to loom to the ceiling of the Haunted House. People seemed to move away from the little girl, in slow motion, growing smaller and smaller. She felt isolated, alone and dying. She was fearful of everything. I remember that now. How terribly horrible for her! No one cared. No one offered comfort or hugged her. All she was given was punishment for being such a rotten brat of a girl. How did she survive? How could she go on living in so much fear? The "others" saved her. They took her place, allowing her to totally blank out and become numb.

"Seeing From Above"

Have you ever looked down from somewhere above and saw yourself?
I have.
Have you ever looked at your hands and they were not yours?
I have.
Have you ever looked in a mirror and the face looking back is not yours?
I have.
Have you ever heard voices whispering in your ear?
I have.
Have you ever been unable to sleep because of all the conversations in your head?
I have.
Have you ever felt so different from everyone around you, that you want to disappear?
I have.
Have you ever felt blamed for every wrong thing that happens?
I have.
Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself, to make yourself feel real?
I have.
Have you ever stood on a train track and then jumped off, just at the last minute?
I have.
Have you ever prayed to die?
I have.
I have.
I have.
I have.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Dancing in the Rain"

I have always loved the Rain.

Mother told me I had my days and nights confused as a baby, and she took me for a walk when I was impossibly fussy, even in the Rain. Perhaps my love for Rain began then.

As a child, I had no friends. I had school mates, and we played at school. But no one ever came to the "Haunted House" to play. There were so many secrets, and chaos ruled the "House".

My few memories are of loneliness, fear, a sense of betrayal and feelings of sadness. I had no imagination. As I look back at that time, I believe I stayed in a dissociative state much of the time.

When it rained, I lay on the top back of the sofa, looking out the window, watching and waiting, for what, I do not know. The rain soothed me. The rain held me in it's arms and I felt safe. Rain became my true reality.

Sarah~~~

Dance in the Rain!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".