"The WE Factor"

We have been working so hard to gain understanding of "our" condition. Yet, at times, like right now, we feel we are losing, instead of reaching that point of knowledge. It's not exactly the concept of 'splitting' that gets in our way, it's more the internal communication bringing us down. Since yesterday, we feel physically ill, beaten down and unable to manage daily chores. Our head aches, our tummy is queasy and we have no energy. Last night we were unable to sleep. Sounds of whispering and crying would not allow us to sleep. If the parts of me want to communicate, why don't they just do so? We know we live in one body, but are still separate entities. Why can't we just share our memories, our thoughts? In "T" we learned when an alter is ready (meaning without fear) their memories will be shared. When? How long does this process take? Why do we sit in "T" and hide behind "The Woman"? We trust and respect our Doc, so what stands in the way of speaking up? Why do we feel embarrassment? Why do we feel shame? Are we "stuck" in still thinking everything that happened was "our" fault? Nothing feels right. Nothing feels real.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Alters"

I accept that I have "alters". I thank and appreciate them. They took on the pain and protected me. But....it is still all so confusing to me. Where did their names come from? Must all "alters" have names? Do "alters" remain the same age as when they came to be? Are all "alters" of the same sex? Why do some "alters" speak about the suffering they experienced when other "alters" keep their memories locked up? What happened to "me", am I still here? Am I "The Woman" who takes us to Therapy? Do the "alters" believe they are real? Oh wow, that question just started a full blown attack on my brain! Let me put it another way. Do the "alters" remain forever.... oh ouch......that's not working either........
Let's see if we can work this out.
When the Incest was perpetrated, an "alter" was born to protect who....me? Am I the 'core'? I understand that we all live in this one body. I just can't wrap my brain around the conception of the "alters" and how it relates to me....in a physical sense. Are you confused....because I am!

it was me, melinda1.

Time for a Poem.

"MIRROR"

When I look into a mirror
It's not me I always see.

Sometimes it's a grown up Lady
Looking back at me.

Most of the time she's crying
I don't know what to say

So I give her a little push
And I come out to play.

I like to swing or color
Or write poems, just like this

Or hide things from the "others"
And laugh when they are missed.

The times when I am so afraid
I'll lose myself, as me

I look into the Mirror
And no face is there to see.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Testing My Limits"

Because we have such a difficult time speaking up in Therapy, we decided to "try" to have a conversation amongst ourselves........in a post. We have them in our head, so why not here and in Therapy?

"Will you, speak up in Therapy next week?

"Who ya talkin to?"

"All of you!"

"Depends...on the subject"

"about what?"

"ya want i shuld try...."

"Ya want a dog and pony show?"

"not redy to talk."

"We could talk about the Church". +

"not talkn about nothn."

"Hey I'll talk, in fact I will talk the entire session." ~~

"I'm too embarassed to talk."

"I'm too ashamed to talk."

"im afeared i won't be believed."

"im pretty stupd...i dohnt thnek i shud talk."

"i can't talk....i'm too young."

"just don't talk about the memories painted in black..not yet."

OK then...looks as if some of "us" will talk next session...you will be held accountable...ok......
k
k
nah
nah
nah
nah
k
k
k
giggle
cry

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Suffocation"

While browsing the web, I found a list (pertaining to incest) of "triggers" that can cause "switching" of alters. One "trigger" on the list was the feeling of suffocation. This immediately brought back a memory!

When I was 6, maybe 7 years old, I began to have an irrational fear of water on my face. I had very long hair and of course, Mother insisted on washing it every other day. I remember holding a wash cloth over my face, I guess to keep the water away. One hair washing day, it was like BAM! I could not breathe! I hear the screams of that little girl, as she struggled to get away from Mother. I hear the panting and gasping of the suffocation. I "feel" how her little heart pounded, I "feel" her fear coursing through her small body. It just came out of nowhere and continued for months! The Mother, unable to handle the little girl, began sending her to a Great Aunt to have her hair washed. The Great Aunt was a strict and very mean woman! She had no compassion for the little girl and even held her head under the water when the little girl struggled and cried. It was pure TERROR! Following soon after, the little girl could not tolerate anything being taken off over her head...like a T-shirt. She felt she would die! Her breathe literally being closed off! During this same period, things began to appear bigger than they actually were...such as the refrigerator...it seemed to loom to the ceiling of the Haunted House. People seemed to move away from the little girl, in slow motion, growing smaller and smaller. She felt isolated, alone and dying. She was fearful of everything. I remember that now. How terribly horrible for her! No one cared. No one offered comfort or hugged her. All she was given was punishment for being such a rotten brat of a girl. How did she survive? How could she go on living in so much fear? The "others" saved her. They took her place, allowing her to totally blank out and become numb.

"Seeing From Above"

Have you ever looked down from somewhere above and saw yourself?
I have.
Have you ever looked at your hands and they were not yours?
I have.
Have you ever looked in a mirror and the face looking back is not yours?
I have.
Have you ever heard voices whispering in your ear?
I have.
Have you ever been unable to sleep because of all the conversations in your head?
I have.
Have you ever felt so different from everyone around you, that you want to disappear?
I have.
Have you ever felt blamed for every wrong thing that happens?
I have.
Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself, to make yourself feel real?
I have.
Have you ever stood on a train track and then jumped off, just at the last minute?
I have.
Have you ever prayed to die?
I have.
I have.
I have.
I have.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Learning to Love Susannah"

As time passes and additional posts are written, I am finally seeing what an important part Susannah has and does play in "our" lives.

She came to be, during one of the most difficult and sad times in my life, the death of my only Child. She took over, she saved my life! If not for her, I know I would not be here today. She recognized that I had given into the grief and was letting go of my life. She took charge, ultimately saving me.

Yes, she can be crass and brazen, but I have learned to love that about her! She's a Party Girl and she fit right in....when I never fit anywhere. She also experienced some traumatic times....but that is her story, and is hers to tell. She has charisma! She has spunk! She is also very intelligent. She reads....a lot! She is curious about everything. She smiles most of the time. She has great empathy for the "others" she is slowly getting to know. She speaks up for herself and refuses to take any crap from anyone. She needs to move constantly, her energy level is high. It is, what it is, with her. No pretense and seemingly no inhibitions. That used to terrify me! It still surprises me that I have an "alter" who is so out-spoken. But I am no longer terrified of what she may say or do. I am proud of her! Many of her traits, are ones that I had always wished I could own. She would like to try her hand at Poetry and writing. I say go for it, girl! I don't know of anything you can't do, when you set your mind to it. You are important to me....to "us". We accept you for the loving, caring and protective woman that you are.

Sueann

Child Abuse Awareness Month is April - Save a Child!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".