Susannah called and left a message for Doc. Doc called back. We discussed Melinda's memory and what occurred, being unable to breathe. Doc assured us we would be alright, then Doc told us if we should remember more and are having a difficult time, to leave a message and Doc will see us. What a dedicated, caring and supportive Doc!I feel this tremendous need to write tonight. Maybe I'm on some bazaar "high" from the memory....I dunno. I'm grateful for the memory and in a strange way, I feel, this has been a great accomplishment. The memory sucked, but I feel a little lighter, not so "in the dark" about the sexual abuse. Perhaps, Melinda will share more, we all hope so.
The above picture reminds me of a prayer.....yes I said prayer :) ....that Melinda said each night. It goes like this....go ahead Melinda...it's ok.
Angel of God, my guardian dear.
To whom God's love entrusts you here.
Forever this day, be at my side.
To light, to guard, to rule and guide.
Amen
Melinda never missed a night reciting that prayer to herself. She believed strongly in her Guardian Angel, she talked to her Guardian Angel. The prayer made her feel so safe.
It was mid-year in 6TH grade, or so Melinda is telling me, that things changed. She began having nightmares, wetting the bed, experiencing dissociation and felt fearful all the time. She disappeared one night, into her head, after crying for hours, not being able to stop and not knowing why. Mother took her to the emergency room. Melinda was still crying uncontrollably. Melinda has no memory who may have calmed her down. It was a Doctor...she thinks. She remembers the words "having a breakdown" and "should been seen by a Child Psychologist"...she does not remember Mother's reactions at all. Melinda thinks she may have been given a shot, and then feeling as if she were floating. She remembers one visit to the Child Psychologist, the first visit. She was shown pictures of a dog story. She was the baby Puppy, and there was a Mother and Dad Puppy. In one specific picture, the Dad Puppy was kissing the Mother Puppy and there were hearts all around there heads. She, being the baby Puppy, was standing off to the side, glaring at the Mother and Dad Puppies kissing. Melinda says her true feeling about that picture was one of disgust and a yucky feeling in her tummy. But she was ashamed to tell the Dr. that, she felt he would think she was bad. So she lied. She told the Dr. she did not know why the baby Puppy was angry because the Mother and Dad Puppies were kissing. One last thing she remembers about that first visit, the Dr. put her into a room full of toys. Stuffed Animals, dolls, coloring books and crayons...etc. In the middle of the room was a child's size chair. Melinda says she walked over to that chair and sat down and that was that. She did not touch one single toy in that room. They were not her toys, and she did want the Mother to get angry at her, so she did not play with any of the toys. What Melinda did not know, the Dr. and Mother were watching her, observing her, judging her reactions to the toys, she guesses. She saw this Doctor for an entire year, but remembers only this first visit. Melinda - grades 1 through 6, went "inside" after that first visit. Folding downward into the arms of the Guardian, feeling safe and loved in the Chambers. She remained there for many years. She emerged, during the first stay at the Nut House, through her Poetry and art work. Today, she colors with Doc, she draws pictures ...oh and hides things from the "others". Today, she was miraculous, in giving "us" a memory, that has been covered in black for a very long time. We thank you, Melinda, and we love you so much.
Susannah~~~ Peace!
(writing as she listens to Melinda grades 1 through 6)
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
