skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Saw our Doc today. We are more calm, not so angry, seeing things more clearly now.
We know it is not anyone's fault, the lay off happened. We never meant to sound as if we were blaming anyone. Change, especially sudden change, causes much chaos inside. We came to understand in "T" today, that our anger is really about no private time, no alone time. When we sit at this computer to write, the man who lives here, is usually upstairs asleep. We feel it is safe then, for "us" to put our feelings here, to allow everyone to say what they wish to be said. We push the wall down, come out and we write and it all flows so freely. Tonight, we are writing, while the man is in the other room watching TV. It's sort of like a "test". Can we let our guard down? Can we concentrate? Do we feel safe? ummmmm nope....so we will be back later to write......sorry, we tried...
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Well I had no visitors, or I should say comments, about the post yesterday....can't say as we blame you. What a rant...huh? Well, today was no better. So if you are reading this...you may want to step out side the Haunted House, and come back another day
.
A new visitor did come here last night and left a comment. We know that she meant well, and we thank her! But we have been through many Therapy courses of Cognitive Thinking and we know the list thingy....draw a line down the middle of the paper...write your negative thought...then on the other side of the line turn that negative into a positive...oh we have done all of that already. We are way beyond, we are done with that...it did not work...because there are too many of us and we all have different opinions and thoughts about everything! Yes, we also know we are not the only ones in the world suffering....and if we sounded self absorbed...it's because at this stage in our life, we are! We are so damn tired of always coming up empty in life. We have empathy for others...we are not without compassion...but right now...we are so angry! It's as if everything that has happened in our life, has all come together into a gigantic ball of ANGER!!! We just want it to stop!!!! We are to the point that if one more thing is put on us we will burst!!! Fly into gazillions of pieces!! We want to scream, until we can scream no more. Though we feel like crying...we are wayyyy to angry to cry! We are so mentally crippled, we don't even know that we can take care of ourselves!!! We have no one....and we mean no one....that can relate to even the mere idea of being Multiples! We don't even understand ourselves at times. So tired of the racing thoughts, the whispers, the acting out, the inappropriate times when laugh, or cry, or become a child, then an adult, it's too much!!!! We are a walking, talking FREAK show!!! WE CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Refuse to sign any names.....
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
It's 3:40 AM. Can't sleep...too much on my mind. The lay off, the Health Care, finding a way out.
I have been sitting here thinking about my life. I can come to no other conclusion other than, the entire mess of MY life is MY fault! How long can one blame Child Abuse for the shambles their life has been? I understand, that as a child, abuse stole my innocence, my spirit, my "being" a child....but I have been in and out of "T" for a very long time. I've listened and I've learned so much about behaviors, boundaries, making unhealthy choices <---------- again linked to Child Abuse. I am no longer a child!!! I am a grown woman and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This will all end, only when I am no more. I am in a vicious cycle of misery. I just want it to stop! Every time I see some progress, I am knocked down again. This is the pattern of my entire life. I'm so tired of it all. I've taken care of sick people, I have been there for other's, I have always tried my best to be a good person. It doesn't matter what I do, my life becomes a living hell. Monday, may be the last I can see Doc, for awhile, that is depressing. That is more than depressing, it is frightening! I do not have the strength or the knowledge to deal with all of my "conditions". I look around, I see happy people, couples in love, married people with children and I have to ask....why don't I have all those things? The only answer in my head is because you do not deserve them. I am like the Poster Woman for 'How to make a complete mess of your life'! WTF! At the age of 18 when I left home, I had dreams, I had hope I just knew I was going to make a difference. HA! None of my dreams materialized, my hope has been gone for years, and I have made no difference on anything or anyone. I squandered the only life I am ever going to have....and it is MY fault. Please, friends, that may read this...do not tell me that my reward will be in heaven, or that God will take care of me....I am too bitter and too sorrowful for any of that to impact my brain. I do not intend to offend anyone. I just have no connection to that particular subject. I love all of you, would never want you to be hurt. I believe the only thing that may have saved me....was me....and I screwed everything up! I despise the person I have come to be. I am weak and helpless. I am so angry! Where is the justification in all of this? Only certain people deserve happiness, children, good marriages? Why must some suffer and others not? If there is a God, and he is all powerful, as I was taught as a child, then why didn't he take the misery and pain away? Oh I know...we are not to question HIM, the answers will be revealed....when? After I am dead...what the hell good will those answers be to me then? I remember when my Gram passed away, her Sister standing beside me at the coffin, saying "she knows all the answers now"...and I remember thinking...so what? She is dead, what good does that do her now? My Gram was a good woman. She did not cast any aversions on others. She was not without her own demons. She drank, her marriage was not a happy one, she was stuck with her daughter and her three kids most of her life, but she did not complain....ever. She held me when I was sick or afraid. When she passed away, I was so lost, so fearful of life without her. I miss her so much!
I'm not signing this with a name....I don't know who the hell I am anymore!
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
this just tops everything....the man who lives here was just layed off....yep....no job. that means some struggle financially, but it also means he will be here 24/7....no time for "us". that may sound selfish, and we do not mean that it should, but if we don't have time to ourselves, we shall perish! this house is our haven. we feel safe here, most of the time. we talk aloud, when no one is around. we laugh, sometimes we cry and we even argue aloud. we must have our time alone. what to do? we want to just run away...but no where to go. we feel suffocated. we want to just give up. we want to cry, but not when he is here. keeping crying in makes us want to throw up. now head hurts too. this is not going to work. we had a plan, but now that seems unreachable. is there even a place in this world for "us"? do we even want to go on living? why? what is there to look forward to in our life? more the same crap. nothing our whole entire life has worked out for us...not never. we not feeling sorry for ourselves neither...no we are not! we had phone call from man cousin. wanted to know if we go to graduation party for other cousin. we say no...he say...you never go to anything! you need to get out of the house and you will be better. we tell him...no that is not the answer...and he laugh and say...then stay there and not have fun with family. fun?????? none of that family is any fun... all full of themselves and their possessions, bragging all the time. life really sucks..............................................................................................................
The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Wow......our bestest friend IRL said some things that were totally unexpected to us by Email... she is coming into town the end of this week. she will be staying about 90 minutes away from us. she can drive to see us, cuz her Mom is ill. we told her about our problems sleeping and that one of us has already backed our car into a pole...lol...Doc told us to NOT let Rainbow drive...ha ha ah.....she don't drive....*snort anyways, we told her we let her know if we up to driving that far. she accepted that. but then we told her about the sleeping pills an how afraid of over-dosing...and the note we tied on the bottle. she say something that threw us all into disbelief. she said I should threaten everyone...tell them if they take extra pills they will be punished.........OHHHH.........wrong, wrong thing to say. I tell her no...we nurture, we do not punish...hv had enough punishment. we feel disappointed, sad and horrified...because she is one of our trustees. so we have made decision...no we don't drive to see her.....and we sorry we won't get to see her cuz we love her. but now we must learn to trust her again. she must gain our trust. we know she meant no harm to us...but still it scared us. it was like the words jumped off the page into our faces!
we see Dr. today.....she say we look tired....blood pressure up....she gave us new sleeping pills...said they will work. she sending us to specialist...cuz our throat has been horswe for 2 months...shw say polups, maybe. oh we r tired tonite...go to bed now and sleep. big day tomorrow.....ummmm hv no idea why.... lots of switching, so dont know why big day tomorrow.....hmmmmmm
nite nie
rocking girl
The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
seems Mother and Dad are worried about us.....Mother says we seem like different....*snort yea, that we are! they want us to come home for a visit. we said we did not think that right now is a good time for us to be driving 4 hours, that we are so very tired all the time. and visiting them....well....they get up at 5 in the morning....we would just be going to sleep. always, always, we feel guilty when we visit, cuz we dont freakin want to get up at 5 in the morning....geeeeeezzzzzzzzzzz. we thought when you get old, old you sleep more, but guess that is not the case. course my Dad eats dinner...err wait..supper...Mother becomes upset when we call it dinner.....where was we...oh Dad eats SUPPER and then sleeps the rest of the nite on the couch until Mother wakes him and sends him to bed. ha ha ah no wonder he can get up at 5 in the morning. b'sides we just want to be alone right now. no privacy there at their house. no computer either. so we not going. we did sleep more last night....no sleeping pills either. just dog ass tired is all. we hve dr. appt. tomorrow morning. not with our Doc....with regular dr. every month we see her....just to get meds refilled.....dont guess she ever hears of refills...... well....we going to go draw now....maybe something show up....sometimes it helps to draw...we draw not very good but we draw what comes to us. miss my gram...............
sarah~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Finally went to sleep last night about 3:30 AM and slept for 6 hours. Still am so exhausted. Needed some alone time, but will go back to bed when HE gets home. Still feeling scattered, can't follow conversations on the phone, feeling so confused and unreal. If only there were someone to talk with, someone that would understand. Really very depressed! Legs and arms feel leaden, won't move, just no energy or motivation.
Again, I apologize for not coming around to visit everyone. Just can't right now.
rainbow~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Saw our Doc today. We are more calm, not so angry, seeing things more clearly now.
