It's 3:40 AM. Can't sleep...too much on my mind. The lay off, the Health Care, finding a way out.
I have been sitting here thinking about my life. I can come to no other conclusion other than, the entire mess of MY life is MY fault! How long can one blame Child Abuse for the shambles their life has been? I understand, that as a child, abuse stole my innocence, my spirit, my "being" a child....but I have been in and out of "T" for a very long time. I've listened and I've learned so much about behaviors, boundaries, making unhealthy choices <---------- again linked to Child Abuse. I am no longer a child!!! I am a grown woman and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This will all end, only when I am no more. I am in a vicious cycle of misery. I just want it to stop! Every time I see some progress, I am knocked down again. This is the pattern of my entire life. I'm so tired of it all. I've taken care of sick people, I have been there for other's, I have always tried my best to be a good person. It doesn't matter what I do, my life becomes a living hell. Monday, may be the last I can see Doc, for awhile, that is depressing. That is more than depressing, it is frightening! I do not have the strength or the knowledge to deal with all of my "conditions". I look around, I see happy people, couples in love, married people with children and I have to ask....why don't I have all those things? The only answer in my head is because you do not deserve them. I am like the Poster Woman for 'How to make a complete mess of your life'! WTF! At the age of 18 when I left home, I had dreams, I had hope I just knew I was going to make a difference. HA! None of my dreams materialized, my hope has been gone for years, and I have made no difference on anything or anyone. I squandered the only life I am ever going to have....and it is MY fault. Please, friends, that may read this...do not tell me that my reward will be in heaven, or that God will take care of me....I am too bitter and too sorrowful for any of that to impact my brain. I do not intend to offend anyone. I just have no connection to that particular subject. I love all of you, would never want you to be hurt. I believe the only thing that may have saved me....was me....and I screwed everything up! I despise the person I have come to be. I am weak and helpless. I am so angry! Where is the justification in all of this? Only certain people deserve happiness, children, good marriages? Why must some suffer and others not? If there is a God, and he is all powerful, as I was taught as a child, then why didn't he take the misery and pain away? Oh I know...we are not to question HIM, the answers will be revealed....when? After I am dead...what the hell good will those answers be to me then? I remember when my Gram passed away, her Sister standing beside me at the coffin, saying "she knows all the answers now"...and I remember thinking...so what? She is dead, what good does that do her now? My Gram was a good woman. She did not cast any aversions on others. She was not without her own demons. She drank, her marriage was not a happy one, she was stuck with her daughter and her three kids most of her life, but she did not complain....ever. She held me when I was sick or afraid. When she passed away, I was so lost, so fearful of life without her. I miss her so much!
I'm not signing this with a name....I don't know who the hell I am anymore!
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
5 comments:
Well this sounds all pretty depressing lol
However... you need to stop and deal with one problem at a time
Take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle.
Write number 1) bad thing then on the other side 1) good thing to balance it and see how that goes for you.
Once you have a visual view of the bad vs the good you can concentrate on the good and how to make it better.Keep the list handy so you can look at it. Make copies.
Every one deserves love and happiness.
Loving yourself first is the most important thing because then your aura will flow into other people and they will become attracted to you.
Don't seek answers from other people because the answers they search for are to different problems than what you have. Every ones journey in life is different but we all follow the same road.
If you are suffering from the people around you, you need to find happier surroundings to live in where you can have a break from things that hurt you.
The important thing is to keep focused on achieving what you set out to achieve. Be strong.
It's there and within your reach.
Life is like a wave. You are not alone in having to struggle between good times and bad.
We all do.
Just take it slow, focus and do baby steps.
It can't get worse... so it has to get better ... right?
Good luck.
ALL - thank you for your thoughts...but...unless you hv read my blog from beginning to end...i don't think that you have all the facts. ty for stopping by....i don't mean to be hateful...i am just at the end of my rope!
Did you read dAAve? This morning he wrote something like..."When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot, and hang on!!!"
Make a copy and tape it to your bathroom mirror.
Peace....love....U.S.
This is strictly my own experience. When I was at the end of my rope and could no longer hold on, I let go. When I let go, God saved me. I don't know how or why. I just know it is possible. It was not through any effort on my part.
I pray for you. You are valuable in my eyes. I will ask God to help you. It makes no difference to me that you think you are worthless, I don't think that's true.
Prayer Girl
*you can delete this comment if you want, i just wanted to give you my feedback*
i just want to say i can see why that one comment bothered you so much. first of all the way it started was to say your post was depressing, then to say "lol"
i think i would have felt minimized, invalidated, shamed and ridiculed. that was a very serious and sad post you wrote! that person's response seems very inappropriate to me.
then for them to jump into giving you advice, especially if this is someone who you've never heard from before, seems condescending.
yes, i think sometimes people want to "help" but they really don't know the best way to do that. and instead just hurt the feelings of the person they're trying to help.
anyway i just wanted to say i completely understand why your feelings were hurt and i think it's great that you expressed yourself about it. and now you're feeling better. this blog is your space. good for you for taking care of yourself and your space!
((safe hugs))
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