skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I arrived today to see Doc, in an angry mood. But within minutes I was crying. I feel as if I am driving everyone away! My DIL, then my SIL, my friends do not call as often as they once did. I feel so alone..all the time. I've set my boundaries, at least I think I have set the proper boundaries. So is that why? Because they liked us better with no boundaries, vulnerable, manipulated and blamed? I have always felt "different", that I never belonged, sometimes even invisible. Years later, I stay isolated....is that to keep myself safe, from further harm? Or is it because I feel that I will not be accepted anyway, so why bother? We don't like people looking at us. We feel judged. We feel ugly. We feel worthless. I can not remember a thing about "T" today...not one thing except crying and feeling lonely and sad. What words from Doc am I missing? I feel very confused and blank.
Nothing more to write because I don't know anything..........
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Hope all of you Fathers had a wonderful day! And all you women, raising your children without their Father....hope your day was special...because YOU are.
we r not writing tonite, cuz we r depressed and don't want to ruin this holiday.
nite......
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
So the man that lives here...his sister is a psychologist. She just called and I answered the phone. We talk about this and that...then I ask her if she has heard from the DIL...she says no. I tell her, well we are not speaking, due to some hateful Emails she wrote to me 2 weeks ago. I tell her a little of what the DIL said and she replies with "Well we have all had brutal childhoods, I have just decided to put it in the the past where it belongs and live a happier life." then...."You know, some people just do not understand depression, because SOME do people push themselves to go out and do things and find they are much happier." I saw RED! So I told her it was not just depression, but DID and Panic/Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia. She again minimized my illness, by saying, sometimes it is just better to leave it all in the past. This, coming from a Psychologist????????????? First of all...how dare her 'assume' she knows anything about my childhood traumas, and secondly suggest, not once, but twice, that I need to just let it all go, and go on with my life!!!! Before giving the phone to the man who lives here, I told her, well I have boundaries and if people can not accept me for who I am, then I do not need those people in my life.....then said here's your Brother. He went out on the porch to talk to her, so have no idea what was said between them....and honestly I don't care! I so want out of this marriage, this family and away from all of them. I think the whole lot of them are hiding their heads in the sand. They all have some pretty severe issues, they have not dealt with at all! That is their business, but do not tell me to just let the atrocities put upon me, go! I've totally had it with all of them. I am so angry and hurt and feel so unimportant to any of them. I may just have to jump start my "plan" and just pack my stuff and leave! I was trying very hard to pay off bills and then attempt to sell the house and not leave all of that debt on his shoulders. But now, I just don't think I can do this any longer. Staying here does not seem to be an option for me anymore. Where will I go? I have some choices. I will discuss these with Doc on Monday.
See US I can rant without one single cuss word.....grin.........
Sueann
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
this Sunday is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to all of my friends!
the man that lives here will be visiting his son and the DIL and grandson on Sunday. I will not be joining him. It is sad. The DIL has caused much anger and hurt and we have not heard from any of them. so...we are keeping our boundaries in place and we are not going over there.
Our Dad lives in another state, along with the rest of our immediate family, so we will not be seeing him either.
We remember Father's Day during our childhood. We were forced to go and visit "The Dad", by Mother. The spell of Old Spice makes us want to puke. ew.........
Talked to Mother today. She seems not to hear anything we have tried to tell her......today she again said kids need their asses slapped.....we sighed.....she asked "what?".....we said...we asked you to please not say that....we do not believe in hurting children in any way. Again, her reply, well that is why kids are so rotten these days. ummm...these days? she always told us we were rotten...so guess kids from all eras are just plain rotten and should be beaten!
our little brother called us today. after talking for awhile, he asked if he could ask me some questions.....we said well sure...he said well it's about your childhood....see this Brother is our half brother but we never call him that or think of him in that way...we are just so happy he did not have to endure having "the Dad" for a father. well, he said he knew some of what we went through with "the Dad" and he wanted to know why my deceased Brother did not beat "the Dad" after he became older. well we said...he did not remember the abuse either...and in fact he told us when we came out of the nut house...that if he had been sexually abused he did NOT want to know about it. Our little brother was a little stunned to hear that....but that is what he told me. We love our little bother...he was born when we were sixteen and we took care of him, because Mother was ill after his birth. so we have remained close. our Mother never hit him...never. he asked us why, do you suppose she 'changed'.....we said...she did so because our Dad would never put up with her beating any child. our Brother said it is hard for him to imagine our Mother ever being like that. we found ourselves explaining how frustrated she was, young with 3 small children...and that she took that frustration out on us. then I quickly added...that does not make what she did to us okay...and he said yes he understood that. why are we talking about this?
nite
rainbow~~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
More and more lately, I can not remember things...like for example, I had a topic I wanted to write about tonight...but I can NOT remember what it was. I can't follow conversations either...I get lost and have to ask people to repeat what they have just said. I become distracted easily. I started dinner tonight, then walked into the computer room and began playing a game...and dinner burned....I had totally forgotten about it. The man who lives here will say something to me...and I just look at him...because in a split second, I am totally lost and have no idea what he just said. This is all very annoying and the only answer I can seem to come up with is....I am switching....a lot. I am not aware of it, if that is indeed what is happening. And that thing with the hands, it is happening again. I watch my hands doing chores or typing but they are NOT my hands and I have no idea who they belong to! I have lists of things that I want to accomplish during the day....but I never seem to get any of the items completed. I may start one or two of them, but I never complete them. I forgot I even have a list. Then I will see it, in plain sight and wonder where did it come from...was it always just sitting there and I just missed it? Phone calls from my Mother are so confusing! Usually, I listen, not with my heart, but I do listen...but lately, I don't know half of what she has said. She accuses me of doing something else while I am on the phone with her. But that is not the case. I just get lost. What is happening to me? I have been seeing Doc for over a year now and last Monday I passed the office 3 times and had to turn around...what is that about? It is already 4 in the morning and I have no idea where the day went. My vision is once again, blurry and at times things look small and far away. I feel like I am not here...that I am somewhere else...but where???????????
Sueann
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
<======= we got this award to day from Mike....thank you Mike! we are so proud! Mike is a Viet Nam Vet....and we say thank you for serving our Country...and for the Freedom we should never ever take for granted. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE!
it's a very good feeling to know that someone believes we make a difference in this world....that is all we have ever wanted to do! especially for children. someday, we hope to publish our Poems and maybe write our stories. Melinda grades 1-6 had one of her poems published. so proud! it's difficult to find the right publisher for our type of work. we were invited to write for a publication in Canada....but we just never sent them anything. we thought maybe not good enough. but now....we think...maybe, just maybe we try and live up to this wonderful, heart warming award from Mike.
stayed up very late and then slept in. tired now. wanted to say that the 'vision' or whatever you want to call it is back.....uh huh....saw it today...to the left...again. scared everyone. who is it? we don't know. can't really say it is definitely a "form of a person"....cuz we can not see it clearly...when we turn our heads to look...it goes poof! but we 'feel' it standing beside us....very very spooky...
we did not do anything today.
Poem for Mike
"A Soldier's Call To Arms"
A list with numbers,
counting down the days
When he leaves his loved ones,
goes far away.
Still a young man
with hopes and dreams,
All put on hold
For his Country, it seems.
He hears of other men
running away,
He hears their shouts,
"Go to War, no way".
His heart speaks to him
it asks "will you go"?
This brave man answers,
"I can not say no".
He loves his Country
though he may not agree,
But will fight for his Nation,
So it remains free.
A Soldier, a man
leaves his home one day,
To return as a Hero
What price did he pay?
SEMPER FI oooRAH PEACE! God/Country/Family
thank you, Mike from "us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
First we want to thank everyone for your supporting comments! Second we want to thank new friends for coming to the Haunted House and WELCOME!
ok then! hey everybody! how's it goin? wanted to say again how wonderful our DOC is, giving up his own time, to support us. DOC ROCKS!
This is Susannah, and hardly nothin scares me! Well, some things do...like the word "hospital". But we ain't goin to no hospital! We will find PEACE within, it will take time. Since seeing Doc yesterday, the "little ones" have come out more...not a lot...but working on it. We are getting more rest, although still up until 4:00 AM, but slept in.
Here's a list....of "us" and how we "feel" and what we "need" today" (the following are only the ones who want to be included)
MElinda1 - sad
MElinda grades 1-6 - needs to draw
Emma Grace + - Prayers
Sarah - lonely, needs someone to talk to
Anger - calmer, but still needs to vent
Rage - pissed off
Rainbow - needs hugs, needs clothes, feels neglected
Eight - silence is golden only if you aint DID
Rocking Girl - silent, feels alone and isolated
Guardian - watchful, protective
Sueann - confused, just wants to run away
That is what is going on inside, as best I can tell. And me, well I feel...I dunno...disappointed, somewhat... sad, that we have fallen back in our progress. But always optimistic that we will survive.
Peace,
Susannah~~~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
