"Using Your Anger"

Met with Doc today. The poor man actually stayed up until 2AM, reading quite a pile of my posts. He has been covering for a Colleague and had not had the time. I was like, Doc, thank you so much, but I felt bad....he looked tired. He's a caring man, and I am so lucky to have found him.

So on to the topic at hand....Using your Anger. That image on the left....well now it's above....THAT is exactly how I feel when Anger "comes out". I feel all hot, my heart pumps fast, things seem blurred and there is always that BLACK spot. I never realized what that BLACK spot might represent until today. If I am understanding Doc, that spot is the motive behind Anger. Let me explain...as a child, being abused, no one caring, no one attempting to find out why I acted the way I did, I used ANGER to "act out" my feelings. That is what Children of Abuse do! Yes, as a child, we were always called rotten and told we were "having one of our fits", whenever we would show anger. Our anger was not directed at anyone, we did not hurt anyone, we just had no other way to "try" to get some one's attention, hoping someone, anyone, would help us. Of course no one did and that is why we have so much rage bottled up inside. "ANGER" comes out, and I stand aside and watch, finding it difficult to grasp the truth, that this is me, well part of me. Sometimes...well more times than not...ANGER acts just as Mother did when we were children. Loudly complaining, slamming doors, even scaring my dear beautiful Puppy....for which we are so deeply sorry. Can you even imagine how much we do NOT want to be like Mother? Well, today, with Doc's expert help, I realized I am not at all like her. In her fits of anger, she lashed out at me, hit me, beat me and told me how worthless and ugly she thought I was. I would never hurt anyone physically....especially a child! This was a wonderful revelation to me today. I am NOT like Mother!

We are still searching for ways to handle ANGER....perhaps I should use the word calm ANGER, after all, ANGER is an alter, and part of me. I have been going to my bedroom of late, when ANGER 'comes out'. We have feelings of remorse and embarrassment and shame after ANGER leaves. So by taking all of us into isolation, we don't have to feel those awful feelings. Isolation, though, is not the answer. I don't have the answer...yet....I will find it.

Peace!
Susannah~~~~ and "others"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

GOD Lives - Emma Grace

GOD lives, in "all" of us.

I began praying to die when I was very young. I wanted no time on this Earth to allow sins to blacken my Soul. I tried to be a good girl, always. I learned all the prayers.....in fact I prayed all the time. All I wanted was to be with GOD. HE did not take me back to Heaven. HE must have his reasons.

Now I live with a sinner. Susannah.......oh she exasperates me! I pray for her Soul. I live with Anger, a very loud mean person. I live with Rage, a vulgar, terrifying entity. I wanted to go into the Convent and become a Nun. Mother laughed at me, with that particular haughtiness of her's. I pray for her Soul. The Guardian tells me to let these people be. They have a need to express themselves, the only way they know how. That I must be patient, things will work out for "us". When the Guardian speaks, you listen. His voice is compelling and his is very wise. He has protected "us". I am grateful to him.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we can not change,

The Courage to change the things we can.

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Yours in Christ,

Emma Grace +

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

Suppressed Memories - Beginning to Surface

The incest, perpetrated by "The Dad" began when I was four years old.

After my parents separated, "The Dad" moved in with his parents. He asked Mother for visiting rights every Sunday and she consented. I have to stop right here and point out that Mother, although still very terrified of and by "The Dad", was actually turning her two daughters, ages 3 and 4, over to this maniac still threatening to kill us on a weekly basis! WHAT kind of Mother does that? To this day I have asked her repeatedly WHY, WHY? Her answer, "so the two of you could see your Grandparents." WTF!

Soon after the visitations began, I showed clear signs of sexual abuse. My tiny vagina was inflamed and raw. I could no longer urinate without severe pain. I went for hours and hours without urinating, just to avoid the horrible pain. My Mother began taking me to one Urologist after another in an attempt to discover the answer to my problems. Not one of those Dr.s EVER mentioned a word about possible child abuse. Instead they catheterized a 4 year old, who had already been sexually abused by her parent! Adding more emotional and physical damage. One of the visits to the Urologist will be in my memory forever. We, Mother and I, were in his office. I was sitting on a potty chair, while the Dr. and Mother looked out the window to watch a Parade go by. The Dr. told me if I would pee in the potty, I could see the Parade, otherwise I was not allowed to see the Parade. I did NOT see a Parade that day. I cried and begged Mother to let me see the Parade but she sided with the Dr. I will never forget the betrayal I felt that day.

Many Sundays, "The Dad" just never showed to pick up my sister and me. Those would have been extremely happy Sundays except for one thing. Because Mother had bathed us, and dressed us in the nicest clothes we owned, she forced us to sit on the porch swing for hours, waiting for the Monster to show. She told us we would get dirty if she allowed us to come off the swing....Mother was a clean freak. When hours had passed and it was obvious "The Dad" was not coming, Mother would be furious! She would yell and scream about what a no good bastard he was. My sister and I held each other on the swing, knowing soon, her rage would be directed at us. It was our fault, we were such rotten brats, even a bastard like him didn't want us. Finally, when dusk settled in, we were pulled off the porch swing and pushed into the "Haunted House". Our "good" clothes ripped off and PJs roughly put on us, with orders to go to bed. I remember the two of us climbing into bed, crying, trying to muffle our sobs with our pillows. If we were lucky, she would not hear our cries. If our luck had run out, she made sure she "gave us something to cry about".

When I question Mother today about those visits to the Urologists and I ask her WHY didn't one of them recognize the clear signs of sexual abuse.....her answer is always "people didn't talk about those things in those days". Of course not, let's just keep it all a big secret, not embarrass the family, just let the child suffer! Let the child take on all the blame! Let the child grow to be an Adult who never had a chance for a "normal", emotionally stable life!

Whew, I am exhausted.....allowing Anger to "come out" always takes everything out of me.

Note: The above memories were suppressed until I was in my mid-twenties. And then if it had not been for an angry phone call from my Sister, I may have never remembered at all............


Thanks for visiting the "Haunted House" and please Save a Child!