Met with Doc today. The poor man actually stayed up until 2AM, reading quite a pile of my posts. He has been covering for a Colleague and had not had the time. I was like, Doc, thank you so much, but I felt bad....he looked tired. He's a caring man, and I am so lucky to have found him.So on to the topic at hand....Using your Anger. That image on the left....well now it's above....THAT is exactly how I feel when Anger "comes out". I feel all hot, my heart pumps fast, things seem blurred and there is always that BLACK spot. I never realized what that BLACK spot might represent until today. If I am understanding Doc, that spot is the motive behind Anger. Let me explain...as a child, being abused, no one caring, no one attempting to find out why I acted the way I did, I used ANGER to "act out" my feelings. That is what Children of Abuse do! Yes, as a child, we were always called rotten and told we were "having one of our fits", whenever we would show anger. Our anger was not directed at anyone, we did not hurt anyone, we just had no other way to "try" to get some one's attention, hoping someone, anyone, would help us. Of course no one did and that is why we have so much rage bottled up inside. "ANGER" comes out, and I stand aside and watch, finding it difficult to grasp the truth, that this is me, well part of me. Sometimes...well more times than not...ANGER acts just as Mother did when we were children. Loudly complaining, slamming doors, even scaring my dear beautiful Puppy....for which we are so deeply sorry. Can you even imagine how much we do NOT want to be like Mother? Well, today, with Doc's expert help, I realized I am not at all like her. In her fits of anger, she lashed out at me, hit me, beat me and told me how worthless and ugly she thought I was. I would never hurt anyone physically....especially a child! This was a wonderful revelation to me today. I am NOT like Mother!
We are still searching for ways to handle ANGER....perhaps I should use the word calm ANGER, after all, ANGER is an alter, and part of me. I have been going to my bedroom of late, when ANGER 'comes out'. We have feelings of remorse and embarrassment and shame after ANGER leaves. So by taking all of us into isolation, we don't have to feel those awful feelings. Isolation, though, is not the answer. I don't have the answer...yet....I will find it.
Peace!
Susannah~~~~ and "others"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
