"Using Your Anger"

Met with Doc today. The poor man actually stayed up until 2AM, reading quite a pile of my posts. He has been covering for a Colleague and had not had the time. I was like, Doc, thank you so much, but I felt bad....he looked tired. He's a caring man, and I am so lucky to have found him.

So on to the topic at hand....Using your Anger. That image on the left....well now it's above....THAT is exactly how I feel when Anger "comes out". I feel all hot, my heart pumps fast, things seem blurred and there is always that BLACK spot. I never realized what that BLACK spot might represent until today. If I am understanding Doc, that spot is the motive behind Anger. Let me explain...as a child, being abused, no one caring, no one attempting to find out why I acted the way I did, I used ANGER to "act out" my feelings. That is what Children of Abuse do! Yes, as a child, we were always called rotten and told we were "having one of our fits", whenever we would show anger. Our anger was not directed at anyone, we did not hurt anyone, we just had no other way to "try" to get some one's attention, hoping someone, anyone, would help us. Of course no one did and that is why we have so much rage bottled up inside. "ANGER" comes out, and I stand aside and watch, finding it difficult to grasp the truth, that this is me, well part of me. Sometimes...well more times than not...ANGER acts just as Mother did when we were children. Loudly complaining, slamming doors, even scaring my dear beautiful Puppy....for which we are so deeply sorry. Can you even imagine how much we do NOT want to be like Mother? Well, today, with Doc's expert help, I realized I am not at all like her. In her fits of anger, she lashed out at me, hit me, beat me and told me how worthless and ugly she thought I was. I would never hurt anyone physically....especially a child! This was a wonderful revelation to me today. I am NOT like Mother!

We are still searching for ways to handle ANGER....perhaps I should use the word calm ANGER, after all, ANGER is an alter, and part of me. I have been going to my bedroom of late, when ANGER 'comes out'. We have feelings of remorse and embarrassment and shame after ANGER leaves. So by taking all of us into isolation, we don't have to feel those awful feelings. Isolation, though, is not the answer. I don't have the answer...yet....I will find it.

Peace!
Susannah~~~~ and "others"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Frazzled Emotions"

Funny we wrote Emotions in our title. The majority of the time, we can not define what emotions we are feeling....they seem frazzled.

Emotions can be difficult for victims (it is so hard for us to write that word) of Child Abuse. We have a really hard time knowing what to feel or how to feel or when to feel. We have been told to keep secrets, it's just a game and it feels good. We lose our right to own our Emotions. They are taken away from us, by our abusers. Children of Abuse, are forced to grow up early, and they hold their emotions deep inside. Children being abused, learn to hold their emotions inside for fear of being further abused. So now we are adults. Do we know what emotions we are feeling?

In "T", we are asked...what are you feeling....how does that make you feel? Our answer....we don't know. How do we get back in touch with our feelings? How do we find those long buried emotions and bring them back and "feel" them? How can we look at a picture of ourselves, as a 4 year old, and not feel.....anything for that poor little abused child? Many times, an abused Child, after being severely beaten or molested, will then be comforted by the abuser. How confusing this is to a small child. How tormented their thoughts! They learn to equate abuse and violence with love. They know only what they live. We are crippled emotionally. For an Adult Survivor, trust becomes an issue in every facet of our lives! We trusted, as children, we were painfully hurt and always in anguish. We blamed ourselves, of course. So we go on blaming ourselves for every failed relationship, for every time we lose a job, for everything that turns bad in our lives. We must find our Power, take it back and become strong! Much, much easier said than done.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"The Poor Man Who Lived Across the Way"

We were up until 3AM last night, sobbing. After the memory of the suffocation, other memories flooded into our brain. The memory I am about to share, is not my abuse, but horrible abuse done to another, that I witnessed.

Across the road, from the Haunted House, lived a Father and Son. The Father was probably in his 60's and the son in his 30's. The son was "deaf and dumb". He made guttural sounds, but could not say anything that made any sense. I was pre-school, at the time. Mother tells the story of when I was just a toddler and was found to be "missing" from the yard. Mother says after searching the entire street we lived on, she was about to call the police, when she spotted me walking up the road, the son holding my hand, bringing me home. I don't remember this incident, but I would bet anything, the Mother yelled at him and probably told him to never take me away again.

As I grew a bit older, I befriended the son. We had no conversations, of course. I remember a feeling of safeness with him. Once, he brought me a stray kitten, as a gift, I guess. No pets were allowed at the Haunted House, so together, we made a little shelter for the kitten behind the son's house. It was our secret and further sealed our bond of friendship. In my Child's heart, I loved and trusted this man. We shared more than friendship and the little kitty, I know now, it was because we shared something else....extreme abuse.

The father walked with a cane. He also used that cane to beat the son about his legs and his back. The son, due to repeated beatings, walked, well....in a crooked way. Many days, I hid behind the Berry Bush in the Haunted House yard, and cried, as I watched that father beat his son, over and over. The son would cry out in pain, in his guttural way. I remember, many times, I ran into the Haunted House, begging, pleading that someone do something to help the son. No one ever did. I was told to mind my own business, to stay away from the son. I never did. I remained his friend, and he mine, until one day, he was gone! I was told he had been taken to a State Hospital. I never saw my friend again. I remember sobbing into my pillow at the thought of never seeing him again. I will never forget him. I am sure he passed away long ago, but he remains in my heart. The kitty, well the old man, the father, killed the kitty with his cane.

I have to ask "WHY" did none of the adults in that town do anything to stop the abuse? Today, I am so angry so horrified that the neighbors just turned and looked away from such horrible abuse! My hands are actually shaking, as I type this post. Why is abuse ignored? How can people just turn away? Where is God while these atrocities are happening? I will never understand the refusal of people to intervene and stop abuse!!!!

Sueann~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".