"The Dam Breaks"

Just returned from "T". Am so exhausted. Cried so much, sobbed even...poor Melinda grades 1-6. Had to pull over so she could throw up, on the drive home. She is asleep in the chamber, unable to speak, so I will write her thoughts about today. She hurt all over. She wanted to die. She was embarrassed to cry in front of Doc. She wanted to run and hide, did not want anyone to look at her. She misses her Gram soooo much. She wonders what it may be like to be dead. She could not speak, only cry. She does not understand why she was beaten and molested. She can find no reason why she was born. She is afraid...so afraid the memories will surface and all of it will be her fault. She did not get to tell Doc that she colored while at "the Mother's". She colored out of the lines and was terrified someone would see. She does not feel safe in her world. She needs.....something....but she does not know what that "something" might be. She feels empty and lost. She will be kept safe in the Chamber.

Susannah~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Agoraphobia" - Living in a Fish Bowl

Definition: The word agoraphobia is derived from Greek words literally meaning "fear of the marketplace." The term is used to describe an irrational and often disabling fear of being out in public.

Agoraphobia is best understood as an adverse behavioral outcome of repeated panic attacks and subsequent anxiety and preoccupation with these attacks that leads to an avoidance of situations where a panic attack could occur.

Strange, now that I look back, I remember my first personal "meeting" with Agoraphobia. I was in grade school. Being a Catholic, required leaving school every Thursday afternoon and attending Catechism. On one of these afternoons, the girl, standing beside me, fainted. In my child's mind, I thought she was dead. In complete terror, I ran from the Church, directly to the "Haunted House". Rationally, I knew I would not find comfort or understanding there, but I had no were else to go.

From that point on, lasting for several months, it was a fight every Sunday. I refused to go to Church. I was punished repeatedly. The beatings, the screaming and yelling did nothing to calm my extreme fear! "What was I afraid of", "Did I realize God would send me directly to Hell", "You are nothing but a stupid brat" were the ways in which my family dealt with my all consuming fear. I dealt with my fear in a completely different way....I dissociated. I blocked out the rantings, the beatings, all I wanted and needed was understanding and comfort. Someone to tell me what I was experiencing was okay, that it would pass.

Today, I leave my home only when absolutely necessary. I see my Doc once a week. I run errands only when my Husband can not. I do not visit friends. I do not socialize. I stay hidden away in my home. I dread the Spring and Summer that is eminent. There will be yard work and summer get togethers with friends. My Grandson's baseball games. The fear that I experienced long ago, engulfs my very soul, just thinking about all of these things, which require leaving my home. I don't want this. I want to be outgoing and create new memories with my family and friends. I don't want to live in a Fish Bowl the rest of my life!

The Doc and all of "us" are working on this in my sessions. I pray we find the answer, and a solution, that will allow me, once again, to enjoy life, family and friends.

Rainbow~~~

Pray for the many trapped in their lives by this disabling phobia!


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

MElinda - Grades 1-6

"He" is there......
The fear follows him....
sorrounding me, washing over me.

He says "Game".........
The folding begins.....
I go deep inside, where he can not see me.

He plays the "Game".......
I am blank and away.......
covering the memory in black.

When "He' is gone........
Misplaced shame covers my very Soul.........
Crying myself to sleep, praying to die.






"Child Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."