"Alters"

I accept that I have "alters". I thank and appreciate them. They took on the pain and protected me. But....it is still all so confusing to me. Where did their names come from? Must all "alters" have names? Do "alters" remain the same age as when they came to be? Are all "alters" of the same sex? Why do some "alters" speak about the suffering they experienced when other "alters" keep their memories locked up? What happened to "me", am I still here? Am I "The Woman" who takes us to Therapy? Do the "alters" believe they are real? Oh wow, that question just started a full blown attack on my brain! Let me put it another way. Do the "alters" remain forever.... oh ouch......that's not working either........
Let's see if we can work this out.
When the Incest was perpetrated, an "alter" was born to protect who....me? Am I the 'core'? I understand that we all live in this one body. I just can't wrap my brain around the conception of the "alters" and how it relates to me....in a physical sense. Are you confused....because I am!

it was me, melinda1.

Time for a Poem.

"MIRROR"

When I look into a mirror
It's not me I always see.

Sometimes it's a grown up Lady
Looking back at me.

Most of the time she's crying
I don't know what to say

So I give her a little push
And I come out to play.

I like to swing or color
Or write poems, just like this

Or hide things from the "others"
And laugh when they are missed.

The times when I am so afraid
I'll lose myself, as me

I look into the Mirror
And no face is there to see.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Bits and Pieces"

I don't remember that I ever had a Teddy Bear. In fact, I don't remember any stuffed animals!

Mother does tell the story, often :( , that I carried a diaper around with me all the time. She said I pretended it was a blanket. She goes on..and on..about how they had to wait until I was asleep to wash it. Yeah, well, if you don't have someone to hold on to...I guess a diaper will do. After the diaper story, she loves to relate how, whenever I would become angry, I would bite my arm....until it bled. My brother (God Rest His Soul) and my sister, as we grew older, made fun of me all the time because as a small child I bit my arm and made it bleed. Well, what are siblings for anyway? Right? My sister, as I remember it, used to roll her bread into little round balls and then eat them. My brother, well, he used to throw himself on the floor and have screaming, kicking, crying fits. What the hell, is this normal behavior for children? NO! Didn't any of the Adults wonder........ why are these children acting this way?

Acting out, is prevalent in abused children. It's a defense mechanism. It's a way of coping. It's how we stayed alive. Sexually abused children are made aware of sex, usually at a very young age. They have been prevented in developing their own sexuality, in accordance with their own developmental time frame. This means that the body and the mind are in two different places! They often become confused about sexuality, sexual behavior and feelings of love and affection. Behind every behavioral problem, is a reason. If a Parent does not gain an understanding of why the child is acting out, no limits are set on inappropriate behaviors.

What does that mean to an Adult Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse? I, of course, can not answer for everyone, but for me the result was poor choices in relationships, the inability to make decisions (DID certainly adds to that one), never finding true and lasting love or happiness. Never feeling accepted, never feeling "good enough", always blaming myself for everything!

Have you ever heard of "Body Betrayal"? In my therapy sessions as we discuss the sexual abuse I suffered, sometimes, not always, I feel that "stirring" of sexual desire. It can not be controlled! Immediately, shame, guilt, fear and disgust overwhelm me! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm told by Doc that it is a totally normal reaction. It does NOT feel normal, it feels dirty and sickening!

In my case, the perpetrator told me it was a special "Game", a secret and not to tell anyone. He also took me to a strip mine (a huge hole in the ground, left after all the coal has been removed), took me right to the edge of it so I would get the full impact of how far down, how very deep the hole was. He told me if I told anyone what he had done to me, he would put me in the deep hole to die. Being told it is "special", a "game", a "secret", is actually comforting and the child goes along with the charade. Gifts are another way of buying the abused child's silence...although, I have no recall of ANY gifts from the "Dad". A child just wants to be loved, protected, comforted and accepted. The "Dad" pretended to do all of these! The lying pedophile bastard!

One day, it is my hope, God will hold us in the palm of his hand. We will feel the love, protection, comfort and acceptance we have been denyed. It could happen...right?

MElinda - Grades 1 thru 6

Sarah~~

Anger!

Emma Grace +

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".