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Saw Doc today....we are totally exhausted! We were told 6 1/2 times (we counted...and interrupted or it would be 7 times) that we must have sleep. Although everyone realizes we share the same ole body. some just love staying up late and playing on the computer. All of us were given a good talking to by our Doc about the the body's need for sleep, and we all agree, that yes, we are just so very tired.
We did want to make some comments about the "seeing things" thingy...cuz someone we care a lot about (a visitor here at the Haunted House) has been experiencing the same thing or something close to it. GET SOME SLEEP, please! If we can do it with all our differences of opinion, we know that you can.....and you know who you are.....please sleep.
We said at "T" we feel a bit afraid to take sleeping pills. Why? Well...because one of us could take one.......then later, another may take one....and so on and so on. We made a plan. We will take one. We have written a note that says YOU TOOK A SLEEPING PILL AT 9PM ON JUNE 8TH! DO NOT TAKE ANYMORE....with a small reminder.....THE HOSPITAL IS NOT A HAPPY PLACE! We will put this note around the bottle of pills and hopefully this will stop any of the "others" from taking more. Right at this moment, there is some disagreement about the bedtime hour. The man that lives here goes to bed at 9PM and some of "us" need time to ourselves. Seeing Doc's concerned face today. really helped everyone to come to an understanding. We know we can not continue and enjoy our progress unless we are well rested. Thank you, Doc, our friend!
No word from the DIL. Did not really have much time to talk of that situation today at "T".
Nite to all of you.....HUGS!
rainbow~
ADD ON - IT IS NOW 12:01 am....STILL AWAKE....NOT REALLY WANTING TO TAKE ANOTHER SLEEPING PILL!!! WILL THIS EVER END????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Needless to say, the past few days have been emotionally draining. Have not heard another word from DIL....but really did not expect to hear from her. Have no idea how this will play out. Keeping boundaries in place.
Now something new has been happening and to say it is frightening, is putting it mildly. Oh this is going to sound as if insanity is now an absolute! We are seeing things! Sitting at the computer last night, ready to post here at the Haunted House, we saw 'someone', standing close and to the left of us. When we gasped and turned to look the person or vision was gone. We shut down the computer and watched a three hour movie, all the while awaiting the vision to return. This happened more than one time yesterday. To be absolutely truthful, it's been happening for awhile. Just too afraid to admit it to ourselves. Not only do we see someone, or something, we feel the presence, as well! What's happening? Is this a sign of some new Mental Illness?
We have a neighbor that we do not know well. She has shared, in the past, that she is a member of AA , 5 years clean and sober. Yesterday, she approached me, while I was doing yard work, to tell me that she was drunk. I asked her if she had called her Sponsor, had she stopped attending her meetings, all the while wondering why me, why has she chosen me, when we barely know one another? Suddenly some kind, loving posts, that I have read here from some of you, shot through my mind....and I remembered that 'things happen for a reason, we may not see that reason immediately' (not a direct quote from anyone) so I decided to listen, try to understand and perhaps in doing so, give her a way to release her pain. She cried, telling me that things have been rough for her lately, that she had recently lost 2 of her friends, her finances were sorely lacking and so on. Suddenly she seem to leap at us, throwing her arms around us, sobbing. Naturally, a RED ALERT sounded off in our head, someone we barely know, touching us, causing a total FREAK OUT!!!! Once we were able to disengage from her grasp, we told her to go to a meeting now! Bottom line, she asked ME, do you think it would be okay if I don't tell them about the drinking? I gently reminded her, that she really needed to call her sponsor and discuss all of this, that I was NOT the right person to ask. She talked for awhile longer, mostly to herself, and I made some excuse to leave, and she went home. ummmm....Now I can't remember why I even brought this up........ I just know that this experience caused many emotions within. Sorrow, additional fear of going out, even in my own yard, sadness for all the suffering people and a sense of the inability to 'help' her. Why is it I feel the need to help 'everyone'? I hate that she reached out to me and all I could do was tell her to call her sponsor and go to a meeting. Is it possible I have put up barriers, instead of boundaries?
Sueann with help from the "others"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Another Email awaited me this morning from DIL. It appears not one single, solitary word I wrote to her means anything to her. I no longer feel angry, quite the contrary, I feel, well nothing. The lot of us are shut down. I am so very tired from lack of sleep. My throat hurts, head hurts, voice is just about gone and my eyes look like two piss holes in the snow (one of my Gram's favorite expressions). I did mange to get a shower and that did bring some relief to this tired body. I chose to NOT answer this latest Email. Why waste my time? She is not hearing me. I have re-read all the Emails and have come to the conclusion that her expectation of me, when I married her Father-in-Law 2 and a half years ago, was that I would somehow "make this a family". I wrote, in one of my Emails, last night and finally told her that I have no marriage. That I had been deceived and rushed into a marriage, that has no joy, no closeness, no communication, no empathy and continued to tell her I did not want to spend the rest of my years so unhappy. Her reply, which was the Email I received this morning, did not, in any way, address a single word I wrote. She just continued with her own agenda. It's allabouther! Hey, that's ok. I am not a Therapist, but I have learned so many important lessons IN Therapy. This woman has issues, big issues! I love her dearly, I do. I have seen her display such anger and rage over, what she perceives to be, direct slights to her. When in fact, in most cases, are problems or situations she herself has caused. My Grandson, is 12 years old. He goes to a private school, because she does not want him exposed to drugs and violence of a public school, and I back her on that one. He is a great kid and I am very proud of him. He started summer league football last year, and I picked him up from school, every day, except my "T" day, took him to his home, left him there to do whatever, then he would call me, and I went back over, got him and drove him to football practice. I did not complain, nor did I tell her how very difficult it was for me to go out, to leave the safety of my home. I did not miss any of his games, again so very difficult. Now it is nearing time for practice to begin again. Because my DIL and I are not in touch as much as we were last year, I think she is very angry because she doesn't know if I will agree to doing the same thing this year. Truthfully, I have been 'gearing up', trying to convince myself, that I owe my Grandson that much, and would have told her yes. But now, I am handing that duty over to his Grandfather. I have done the best I can possibly do to accommodate everyone else to the point of ignoring what is in my best interest, in my Journey towards reaching my goal of health and happiness. I am done! I must put all my resources and my strength into getting well. I must protect myself and the "others" from feelings of worthlessness, of being forced into situations that are so uncomfortable and fearful. The DIL can accept me/us for who we are, or she can walk away and dwell in her anger, where seems to find such comfort. I just can do no more. I am too tired and beat down...........
Rainbow~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Just knew it was too good to be true, that we would find some peace!~
Our Daughter-in-law sent us some Emails tonight. They were angry Emails....all directed at us. What have we done? We have not conformed to what she believes we should be as a Mother-in-law, a Step- Mother and a Gramma. She is angry that we have been ill and unable to leave the house. She is angry because we did not spend every day with her while she was recovering from major surgery. She doesn't want her son to remember us as the Gramma who was always too ill to spend time with him. She loves playing the "Grandson Card", attempting to cause us to feel guilty. She proceeded to tell us what we think and feel. She raged about us never wanting to go anywhere or do things. She is angry because we do not call her. She told us to "get over it" and start living our life. She said many hurtful things, which caused much crying and extreme hurt inside.
We replied to her. We explained that our illness prevented us from even wanting to go out. We explained how horrific the abuse in our lives had been and how very hard we are working toward recovery and understanding that the things that happened were not our fault. We asked that she not judge us, not blame us. We have asked her in the past to read about DID on-line so that she would have a better understanding of what it is like to live with DID. Of course she never did this, and we pointed this out. We also asked her if it were a physical illness, would she be able to accept it as okay. We reminded her that several times we have tried to tell her about our childhood, but that she seemed uninterested, so we stopped trying.
We received a return reply, that was full of rage, again directed at us. She told us we were selfish and self-centered and only cared about ourselves. She said she is very angry with us because we are not the Gramma her son needs. She said we brush off her invitations to her home because we have some kind of phobia...she said that was bullshit! She said we were not the only ones that had lived a childhood of abuse, that she too had suffered. ( we knew this because that is all she ever talks about...how bad her Mother treated her) We know everything about her.....she knows nothing about us, because she has never taken the time to listen, to care.
We sent one back to her and this time our anger surfaced. We told her that all she was concerned about was having her own needs met and the hell with ours. We reminded her that we had changed our date to help Mother with Spring cleaning so that we could be at the hospital for her surgery. We told her we are ill and that we are working very hard in Therapy to repair the damage that has been done to us, so that we may be healthy and live our life and interact with others. We finally became so upset, we asked that she not write us anymore tonight, that we could not handle any additional stress and emotional upheaval.
Then we really did a stupid thing....we called Mother. We were crying and reading the Emails to her, asking why no one can ever accept us for ourselves. What is so wrong with us, that everyone thinks they have to mold us to fit their idea of what we should be, how we should act. Mother said we were reading more into it, that our Daughter-in-law was just upset that we don't visit her and that we should try to go over there and smooth things over. WE saw RED!!@@@ We yelled at Mother, saying you always side with everyone against us...why???? We were angry and sobbing and we finally said we can't talk to you and we hung up. We sobbed for a long time, wishing we could just disappear, die, be done with this horror, called life. After a long while, we called Mother back and said we were sorry we had yelled and hung up on her. Mother said, I was not sticking up for her....we came back with oh yes you were, you have always minimized our feelings. ADD ON- We talked with Mother for over an hour when we called her back. We were able to voice how we felt about our childhood, about her non-validation of us. We told her we always felt afraid and unloved. We told her we felt resentful that she was never there for us...ever! We told her we can no longer listen to her making fun of people and that our belief is to treat others as you would want to be treated. We spoke of how different we are, as women. We spoke of many things that have been left unsaid for too long. She cried, we cried, but we feel we have come to a new level, a safer level in our relationship with her.
To make a long story short.....we hate everyone right now! We don't trust anyone! Every time we get close to someone they turn on us like some feral animal. We can not take this anymore. We want it to be over...our life is just so filled with turmoil and frustration and sadness. We thought we were doing the right thing, setting our own needs as our priority, for once in our life. Then someone we assumed loved us, blames us, shames us and turns their back on us. We don't know, nor do we care at this point, how all of this will play out. We do know that we love our Grandson so much and the thought of not seeing him is unbearable. Death looks very good to us at this moment.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
After "T" today, we felt a ray of sunshine beginning to appear within our reach. "Us" are starting to communicate more with each other, and with Doc, and are "coming out" more as well. The Spacing in and Out is definitely dissociation. It appears it is now happening more frequently and by more and more of the alters. That IS progress! We felt so happy! Our art work is revealing more of the suppressed memories, but we still have a long journey ahead of us. We want to work towards functioning, and a full understanding of all that happened to "us". We want to 'believe' it was not our fault, and really 'feel' it was not our fault. Because we have been blamed for being BAD, UGLY, ROTTEN, HATEFUL, STUPID etc. we have believed that we WERE all those things! We are now learning WE were not, that we were horrifically neglected along with the abuse, and none of our basic needs were ever met! We were never believed, no matter how persistent we were, we were ignored or beaten or shamed. However our new found ray of sunshine, was soon over shadowed by a call from Mother.
After complaining about her hair, our Brother and Sister, and talking over us, when we could get a word in, she began telling us of a story in the news. A little girl had been kidnapped she told us. But....now get this.....it was all the girl's Mother's fault.....why? because she allowed her daughter to go and play at a house where a known Sex Offender lived!!!! WTF? She went on and on about how horrible this woman was, and how she could not believe she would allow her daughter to go to that house. We remained silent, as she ranted. Inside everyone was so hurt, so angry, so enveloped in disbelief.....we finally just told her we had to go. Here is this woman ranting about this story of someone she does not even know, when she did exactly the same fuc%%% thing to her own children!!!! We don't care if she denies knowing what "The Dad" was like....she KNEW! We don't care if she pretends all of our childhood physical ailments were just a kidney infection, or that when we had bouts of crying and were unable to stop, giving us a pill and telling us to shut up was her way of nurturing....we are pissed as hell!!!!!! She always feels empathy for others....never for us! We have strvied for her validation, her approval all of our lives! We see now, we will never ever get it! We are just her sounding board. We are just someone to sit on the other end of the damn phone and listen....she does not even ask how we are doing! She ruined our sunshine day, damn her!!! The headache returned, along with tummy pain, nausea and feelings of hopelessness. We went to bed and slept. Now we are awake and are so angry and we don't know what to do with this anger!!! We came here to write, then we are going to use our art work and draw, anything that may bring us back to the sunshine feeling. Thankfully our Doc has manipulated his schedule to accommodate us, and we will be seeing him on Monday afternoon, (he's just so good and our friend) so that we have more private time, without the man , who lives, here driving us up a wall. OK...we leave now and draw.
Susannah~ with help from "us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Don't know if "spacing" is the correct description of what has been happening to us the past 2 days. We will ask Doc tomorrow. Let me see if we can just list the strange things that have happened:
Feels like in a Fog
Forget what we were just about to do
Not finishing anything we started
Hearing just bits and pieces of conversation (applies to phone calls as well)
Noises are so irritating....grrrrrrrrrrr
Thoughts come into head....that are normally things we never think about
Feeling younger, much younger
Feeling older
Laughing inappropriately
Discover we are crying
Feeling intruded upon
Not being able to find things around the house
Some vision changes....like can read, then can't see, to read
Want to scream when phone rings
Unable to concentrate
Some spurts of Euphoria
Unable to ..... damn it....lost entire train of thoughts
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
It's almost 4 AM. We are unable to sleep...racing thoughts, once again envelope our mind. Voices, whispering, counting, counting, crying and so much sadness. So we are awake and feel the need to write.
Things That Go Bump In The Night
Footsteps, quietly moving through the house.
A door opening, then swiftly closing oh so quietly.
The clock ticking.
The wind blowing.
The feelings inside.
The voices inside.
A different voice whispering....ready to play the game?
The same voice whispering, you like, you always do. Such a sweet little girl.
A hand removing her jammies.
Screams, but silent screams....still deafening.
No No No without sound.
Begging Stop with no voice
Finally gone inside head
Footsteps walking quietly moving.
Door opens, closes.
Numbness...sweet, welcomed death.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Saw Doc today....we are totally exhausted! We were told 6 1/2 times (we counted...and interrupted or it would be 7 times) that we must have sleep. Although everyone realizes we share the same ole body. some just love staying up late and playing on the computer. All of us were given a good talking to by our Doc about the the body's need for sleep, and we all agree, that yes, we are just so very tired.
