"A Ray of Sunshine"

After "T" today, we felt a ray of sunshine beginning to appear within our reach. "Us" are starting to communicate more with each other, and with Doc, and are "coming out" more as well. The Spacing in and Out is definitely dissociation. It appears it is now happening more frequently and by more and more of the alters. That IS progress! We felt so happy! Our art work is revealing more of the suppressed memories, but we still have a long journey ahead of us. We want to work towards functioning, and a full understanding of all that happened to "us". We want to 'believe' it was not our fault, and really 'feel' it was not our fault. Because we have been blamed for being BAD, UGLY, ROTTEN, HATEFUL, STUPID etc. we have believed that we WERE all those things! We are now learning WE were not, that we were horrifically neglected along with the abuse, and none of our basic needs were ever met! We were never believed, no matter how persistent we were, we were ignored or beaten or shamed. However our new found ray of sunshine, was soon over shadowed by a call from Mother.

After complaining about her hair, our Brother and Sister, and talking over us, when we could get a word in, she began telling us of a story in the news. A little girl had been kidnapped she told us. But....now get this.....it was all the girl's Mother's fault.....why? because she allowed her daughter to go and play at a house where a known Sex Offender lived!!!! WTF? She went on and on about how horrible this woman was, and how she could not believe she would allow her daughter to go to that house. We remained silent, as she ranted. Inside everyone was so hurt, so angry, so enveloped in disbelief.....we finally just told her we had to go. Here is this woman ranting about this story of someone she does not even know, when she did exactly the same fuc%%% thing to her own children!!!! We don't care if she denies knowing what "The Dad" was like....she KNEW! We don't care if she pretends all of our childhood physical ailments were just a kidney infection, or that when we had bouts of crying and were unable to stop, giving us a pill and telling us to shut up was her way of nurturing....we are pissed as hell!!!!!! She always feels empathy for others....never for us! We have strvied for her validation, her approval all of our lives! We see now, we will never ever get it! We are just her sounding board. We are just someone to sit on the other end of the damn phone and listen....she does not even ask how we are doing! She ruined our sunshine day, damn her!!! The headache returned, along with tummy pain, nausea and feelings of hopelessness. We went to bed and slept. Now we are awake and are so angry and we don't know what to do with this anger!!! We came here to write, then we are going to use our art work and draw, anything that may bring us back to the sunshine feeling. Thankfully our Doc has manipulated his schedule to accommodate us, and we will be seeing him on Monday afternoon, (he's just so good and our friend) so that we have more private time, without the man , who lives, here driving us up a wall. OK...we leave now and draw.

Susannah~ with help from "us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".