"Then The Bottom Falls Out"

Just knew it was too good to be true, that we would find some peace!~

Our Daughter-in-law sent us some Emails tonight. They were angry Emails....all directed at us. What have we done? We have not conformed to what she believes we should be as a Mother-in-law, a Step- Mother and a Gramma. She is angry that we have been ill and unable to leave the house. She is angry because we did not spend every day with her while she was recovering from major surgery. She doesn't want her son to remember us as the Gramma who was always too ill to spend time with him. She loves playing the "Grandson Card", attempting to cause us to feel guilty. She proceeded to tell us what we think and feel. She raged about us never wanting to go anywhere or do things. She is angry because we do not call her. She told us to "get over it" and start living our life. She said many hurtful things, which caused much crying and extreme hurt inside.

We replied to her. We explained that our illness prevented us from even wanting to go out. We explained how horrific the abuse in our lives had been and how very hard we are working toward recovery and understanding that the things that happened were not our fault. We asked that she not judge us, not blame us. We have asked her in the past to read about DID on-line so that she would have a better understanding of what it is like to live with DID. Of course she never did this, and we pointed this out. We also asked her if it were a physical illness, would she be able to accept it as okay. We reminded her that several times we have tried to tell her about our childhood, but that she seemed uninterested, so we stopped trying.

We received a return reply, that was full of rage, again directed at us. She told us we were selfish and self-centered and only cared about ourselves. She said she is very angry with us because we are not the Gramma her son needs. She said we brush off her invitations to her home because we have some kind of phobia...she said that was bullshit! She said we were not the only ones that had lived a childhood of abuse, that she too had suffered. ( we knew this because that is all she ever talks about...how bad her Mother treated her) We know everything about her.....she knows nothing about us, because she has never taken the time to listen, to care.

We sent one back to her and this time our anger surfaced. We told her that all she was concerned about was having her own needs met and the hell with ours. We reminded her that we had changed our date to help Mother with Spring cleaning so that we could be at the hospital for her surgery. We told her we are ill and that we are working very hard in Therapy to repair the damage that has been done to us, so that we may be healthy and live our life and interact with others. We finally became so upset, we asked that she not write us anymore tonight, that we could not handle any additional stress and emotional upheaval.

Then we really did a stupid thing....we called Mother. We were crying and reading the Emails to her, asking why no one can ever accept us for ourselves. What is so wrong with us, that everyone thinks they have to mold us to fit their idea of what we should be, how we should act. Mother said we were reading more into it, that our Daughter-in-law was just upset that we don't visit her and that we should try to go over there and smooth things over. WE saw RED!!@@@ We yelled at Mother, saying you always side with everyone against us...why???? We were angry and sobbing and we finally said we can't talk to you and we hung up. We sobbed for a long time, wishing we could just disappear, die, be done with this horror, called life. After a long while, we called Mother back and said we were sorry we had yelled and hung up on her. Mother said, I was not sticking up for her....we came back with oh yes you were, you have always minimized our feelings. ADD ON- We talked with Mother for over an hour when we called her back. We were able to voice how we felt about our childhood, about her non-validation of us. We told her we always felt afraid and unloved. We told her we felt resentful that she was never there for us...ever! We told her we can no longer listen to her making fun of people and that our belief is to treat others as you would want to be treated. We spoke of how different we are, as women. We spoke of many things that have been left unsaid for too long. She cried, we cried, but we feel we have come to a new level, a safer level in our relationship with her.

To make a long story short.....we hate everyone right now! We don't trust anyone! Every time we get close to someone they turn on us like some feral animal. We can not take this anymore. We want it to be over...our life is just so filled with turmoil and frustration and sadness. We thought we were doing the right thing, setting our own needs as our priority, for once in our life. Then someone we assumed loved us, blames us, shames us and turns their back on us. We don't know, nor do we care at this point, how all of this will play out. We do know that we love our Grandson so much and the thought of not seeing him is unbearable. Death looks very good to us at this moment.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".