"Emotions"

Just have not felt good since "T" last week. Still no energy, still depressed and tummy sick. Don't feel like eating. What is it about emotions, which suddenly rise up from the past? Crying should be cleansing..right? Not so for us. Everyday is a struggle to just "be". Put on one mask for company, another for the husband, yet another to go out in public...so tired of it all. Feel like giving up...just leave everything in the past...tired of working so hard, just to feel so bad. Want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Mother called this morning. Complain, complain, complain....tired of being the "sounding board" for her. Yet, feel sorry for her too. Now head aches so much. Can't deal with this. Always put into situations, no forced into situations that are so difficult.

"MASKS"

An array of masks before me,
which one shall I choose?
To get through, yet, another day
what if I refuse?

I want to wear my own face,
but which is truly mine?
What if I wear the wrong one
and cross that fateful line?

Some are sad and lined with age,
still others wear much fear,
Who do they belong to
will it ever become clear?

Others are so child like
do they belong to me?
Will I ever find the right one
and feel that I am free.......

MElinda - grades 1 thru 6

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Frazzled Emotions"

Funny we wrote Emotions in our title. The majority of the time, we can not define what emotions we are feeling....they seem frazzled.

Emotions can be difficult for victims (it is so hard for us to write that word) of Child Abuse. We have a really hard time knowing what to feel or how to feel or when to feel. We have been told to keep secrets, it's just a game and it feels good. We lose our right to own our Emotions. They are taken away from us, by our abusers. Children of Abuse, are forced to grow up early, and they hold their emotions deep inside. Children being abused, learn to hold their emotions inside for fear of being further abused. So now we are adults. Do we know what emotions we are feeling?

In "T", we are asked...what are you feeling....how does that make you feel? Our answer....we don't know. How do we get back in touch with our feelings? How do we find those long buried emotions and bring them back and "feel" them? How can we look at a picture of ourselves, as a 4 year old, and not feel.....anything for that poor little abused child? Many times, an abused Child, after being severely beaten or molested, will then be comforted by the abuser. How confusing this is to a small child. How tormented their thoughts! They learn to equate abuse and violence with love. They know only what they live. We are crippled emotionally. For an Adult Survivor, trust becomes an issue in every facet of our lives! We trusted, as children, we were painfully hurt and always in anguish. We blamed ourselves, of course. So we go on blaming ourselves for every failed relationship, for every time we lose a job, for everything that turns bad in our lives. We must find our Power, take it back and become strong! Much, much easier said than done.

"us"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".