"The Woman"

The Woman, as we call her, has no feelings or memories of her own. She is our conduit. She drives us to Therapy once a week, she sits across from our Dr. and she says what she hears in her head, from us. This is, of course, not always the case. Some of us "come out" and speak for ourselves. Others come out and color or draw pictures. One of us speaks her mind whenever she feels like it. Personally, we don't get this. More importantly, we don't feel our Dr. does either. We are not text book in nature. Very few times, has one alter interrupted another. The Woman has related to the Dr. that as soon as she sits down in the chair in his office, she senses "others" floating around her, mostly around her head. She told the Dr. it's like having more than one head. Sometimes, no one wants to offer anything. So The Woman just sits there, not knowing what she should do. Confusion sets in, and everything appears to be in a blur. The Woman tries and tries to stay with whatever the Dr. is saying, tries to concentrate, but at times, has to ask the Dr. to repeat himself...or asks what were we talking about?

As we have stated in the past, this diagnosis of DID, is, fairly new to us. Sometimes we just don't believe it, even though facts presented show otherwise. Many, many times we have asked the Dr. "Are you sure we are DID?" His reply, always emphatic, is yes you are. Then he goes on to explain why and how he came to this conclusion. Sometimes we listen, other times we are all debating...are we...or aren't we. Why do we have this sporadic disbelief? Well, sometimes we feel our Dr. "expects" something different than what he is seeing from us. We don't feel this is fair. We are who we are and we act as we do. Yes, we can be stubborn and just refuse to come out during sessions. We don't do this to anger anyone....we just don't have the need to talk that day. Sometimes, we are so sleep deprived, we just want some rest. Other times, we just flat out don't want to talk about what has happened to us. It's unfortunate that this happens during session. Talking about the abuse is difficult, but it is the only way we can heal. It creates havoc and fear inside. In all fairness, to our Dr., he allows us to lead the way...and for that we are grateful. He accepts The Woman and if she just sits there and looks at him, well he fills up the silence with guidance, or coloring, or drawing pictures. We just don't want to be compared to "text book" examples of patients with DID. It is what it is and we are who we are....we are "Us".

Sarah~
MElinda - grades 1-6
The Guardian

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Writing Lessens the Anger"

It hurt very much to be a child! Physically and emotionally. We had no outlet for our pain. We were not permitted to show our anger. When anger builds inside, it comes out "sideways", in unhealthy ways, and many times directed at innocent people! We were having some difficult weekends in the past few months. Our anger boiled up and became rage. Anything and everything seemed to be setting it off. We knew if we did not find a way to control it, or a coping mechanism, we may possibly hurt ourselves! Thanks to Therapy, we have now learned that "our" writing does release some of the unresolved anger. It soothes our soul. We know we have a long way to go before we rid ourselves of anger completely, but now we know what to do when it boils up from way down inside....we write!

We have been writing off and on since we were children. The Mother never seemed to appreciate our stories....which was hurtful. One time we saw an ad in a magazine. It read something to the effect...Writers Needed...take our quiz and see if you have what it takes to become a Writer. So, we did...take the quiz, sent it off and then thought nothing else about it. We were in 4Th grade at that time. Upon returning home from school, weeks after we had sent the completed quiz off, we saw an unfamiliar car at the "Haunted House". We walked in the door and the Mother gave us that look...we knew we were in trouble. Seated at the kitchen table was a man we had never seen before. Immediate panic set in...what had we done now? Who was this stranger? He was a representative from the Writer's Publication, whose quiz we had filled out and sent away. The Mother introduced the stranger to us. He smiled and said that he did not expect us to be so young! He went on to say how wonderfully we had done on our Writer's quiz and how impressed he was with our writing. We could "feel" this smile wanting to come out and it was so difficult to suppress it. But one glance in the Mother's direction and we knew we had better not smile, if we knew what was good for us. Well the Mother rushed the guy out the door, apologizing for her "daughter" who had wasted his time. The stranger actually ignored the Mother, and turned to us and asked us to walk with him to his car. We glanced at the Mother, who grudgingly said to go on. The stranger told us.....write something everyday, even if it's just a sentence...but never stop writing. He told us we had so much potential and not to allow anyone to tell us any different. We remember the euphoria that day! Someone actually liked our writing! He went on to ask us to contact his publication, when we were older, and we could talk then about our future. Well, of course we never did. Life sometimes gets in the way of the good things that "could" have happened. Another very important reason we continued writing, is due to the encouragement of our High School English/Lit teacher! He was and is an incredible man! He gave us some very unusual assignments...such as...write and essay about going to sleep at night. Think about it....that is pretty unusual. He read ours to the class! We were so proud! When our first Poem was published...we dedicated our accomplishment to him and his encouragement! He called us on the phone and thanked us, saying no one had ever done that for him and how proud he was of us. The last time we saw him was at our Brother's funeral, almost nine years ago. So we did have some "good people" in our lives, growing up. We thank and appreciate them.

Today, we continue writing because we love it and it is helping us heal. Our Journey, towards healing, is a rocky one. Our writing is our crutch, until we can stand on our own, as one.

Sarah~
MElinda - grades 1 through 6
Sueann

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Bits and Pieces"

I don't remember that I ever had a Teddy Bear. In fact, I don't remember any stuffed animals!

Mother does tell the story, often :( , that I carried a diaper around with me all the time. She said I pretended it was a blanket. She goes on..and on..about how they had to wait until I was asleep to wash it. Yeah, well, if you don't have someone to hold on to...I guess a diaper will do. After the diaper story, she loves to relate how, whenever I would become angry, I would bite my arm....until it bled. My brother (God Rest His Soul) and my sister, as we grew older, made fun of me all the time because as a small child I bit my arm and made it bleed. Well, what are siblings for anyway? Right? My sister, as I remember it, used to roll her bread into little round balls and then eat them. My brother, well, he used to throw himself on the floor and have screaming, kicking, crying fits. What the hell, is this normal behavior for children? NO! Didn't any of the Adults wonder........ why are these children acting this way?

Acting out, is prevalent in abused children. It's a defense mechanism. It's a way of coping. It's how we stayed alive. Sexually abused children are made aware of sex, usually at a very young age. They have been prevented in developing their own sexuality, in accordance with their own developmental time frame. This means that the body and the mind are in two different places! They often become confused about sexuality, sexual behavior and feelings of love and affection. Behind every behavioral problem, is a reason. If a Parent does not gain an understanding of why the child is acting out, no limits are set on inappropriate behaviors.

What does that mean to an Adult Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse? I, of course, can not answer for everyone, but for me the result was poor choices in relationships, the inability to make decisions (DID certainly adds to that one), never finding true and lasting love or happiness. Never feeling accepted, never feeling "good enough", always blaming myself for everything!

Have you ever heard of "Body Betrayal"? In my therapy sessions as we discuss the sexual abuse I suffered, sometimes, not always, I feel that "stirring" of sexual desire. It can not be controlled! Immediately, shame, guilt, fear and disgust overwhelm me! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm told by Doc that it is a totally normal reaction. It does NOT feel normal, it feels dirty and sickening!

In my case, the perpetrator told me it was a special "Game", a secret and not to tell anyone. He also took me to a strip mine (a huge hole in the ground, left after all the coal has been removed), took me right to the edge of it so I would get the full impact of how far down, how very deep the hole was. He told me if I told anyone what he had done to me, he would put me in the deep hole to die. Being told it is "special", a "game", a "secret", is actually comforting and the child goes along with the charade. Gifts are another way of buying the abused child's silence...although, I have no recall of ANY gifts from the "Dad". A child just wants to be loved, protected, comforted and accepted. The "Dad" pretended to do all of these! The lying pedophile bastard!

One day, it is my hope, God will hold us in the palm of his hand. We will feel the love, protection, comfort and acceptance we have been denyed. It could happen...right?

MElinda - Grades 1 thru 6

Sarah~~

Anger!

Emma Grace +

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Learning to Love Susannah"

As time passes and additional posts are written, I am finally seeing what an important part Susannah has and does play in "our" lives.

She came to be, during one of the most difficult and sad times in my life, the death of my only Child. She took over, she saved my life! If not for her, I know I would not be here today. She recognized that I had given into the grief and was letting go of my life. She took charge, ultimately saving me.

Yes, she can be crass and brazen, but I have learned to love that about her! She's a Party Girl and she fit right in....when I never fit anywhere. She also experienced some traumatic times....but that is her story, and is hers to tell. She has charisma! She has spunk! She is also very intelligent. She reads....a lot! She is curious about everything. She smiles most of the time. She has great empathy for the "others" she is slowly getting to know. She speaks up for herself and refuses to take any crap from anyone. She needs to move constantly, her energy level is high. It is, what it is, with her. No pretense and seemingly no inhibitions. That used to terrify me! It still surprises me that I have an "alter" who is so out-spoken. But I am no longer terrified of what she may say or do. I am proud of her! Many of her traits, are ones that I had always wished I could own. She would like to try her hand at Poetry and writing. I say go for it, girl! I don't know of anything you can't do, when you set your mind to it. You are important to me....to "us". We accept you for the loving, caring and protective woman that you are.

Sueann

Child Abuse Awareness Month is April - Save a Child!

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"MElinda Writes" - The Poet!

I am MElinda, grades 1 through 6. Here is a poem that I wrote.

"Sunday Dinner"

A battle ground on white linen,
A family relic with no owner.

The weapons, not the knives,
But the words.

One soldier does not speak
Making his anger known through silence and downcast eyes.

Another, complains, her life,
Unfulfilled and brutal.

The leader, with soft voice,
Commands all to feel shame.

Of the three tiny soldiers,
One stares vacantly, while breaking her food into little bullets.

Another demands attention,
With a violence unseen in one so young.

The last soldier is sad,
Knowing she will be the causality of this war.


MElinda~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Medical vs. Psychology" - Treating DIDs

I awoke this morning with emotional upheavel. Feeling sad and drained. I had to ask....what's happening now?

"We" are sad because of the misunderstanding with Doc yesterday (no "transference" here). "We" are drained because a good night's sleep seems an impossibility for "us". "We" are seeing our Primary Care Physician today.

Did you know that 'some' PCP's laugh or sneer at the possibility they are treating more than one "person" or "identity" residing in one body? That treating one physical ailment does not ensure treatment for all "identities" and other possible ailments. Just in my own experiences, I have met two such Physicians. Each "identity" has their own physical ailments, their own set of beliefs, their own emotions, their own needs, their own memories...well you see where I am going here.

DID is a valid Mental Disorder! Why then, is there this vast separation between the Medical field and the Psychiatric field? Don't they talk? Don't they read? PCPs treat the body, Psychologists treat the mind. Shouldn't those with DID be given equal treatment for both? From articles I have read, DID is not readily accepted by the Medical Doctors. They believe it is a very rare Disorder and so they choose to ignore a patients attempt to make them aware of the Disorder. In "the real world", DID can go undiagnosed for many years. It is usually mis-diagnosed as Bi-Polar or even Psychosis. DID can be so subtle, so disguised. It is an extremely complex coping mechanism, nearly always formed in early childhood. Splitting off can continue for many years....and a new identity is established. So in my humble opinion, I believe Medical Doctors choose to ignore so they do not have to "deal" with the oft called Mumbo Jumbo of the Psychiatric field. Ignorance is Bliss, I guess....oh and lots and lots of money, spent by the patient and the Health care System in an attempt to determine what is happening physically to a patient.

Is it any wonder, then, that I had such a difficult time accepting my diagnosis of DID? It is what is it...like it or not...believe it or not...DID exists, it is valid and it deserves all resources available, including appropriate Medical attention!

No wonder "we" can not sleep at night!!!

Sarah~~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Transference" - My Version

The term “transference” refers to the patent’s experience of his or her moment-to-moment relationship with the therapist.

Saw the Doc today, and well, he dropped a bomb shell just at the very end of our session. He began a conversation about boundaries and "transference". He barley had the word, "transference" out of is mouth, when hell broke loose with the "others". The emotions were varied, Fear, Blame (we "lean" towards blaming "ourselves" for EVERYTHING), Shame (but why), Distrust (that's not good between a patient and Doctor), Anger and Betrayal. We rushed out of the office, drove home, pissed as hell. So many voices talking all at once, some bitching about Doc, some wondering what they had done wrong, and some saying, well it was only a matter of time before Doc wanted rid of us. So when I arrived home, I called the office and left him a message that I thought it would be best for everyone, that I not see him for a couple of weeks. Then we went to bed with a gigantic headache and tears on our cheeks.

The above definition of "Transference" really does not fully explain what this means in the relationship of patient and Doctor. Okay, here is my own perception. I was in crisis when I met Doc. We were depressed and anxiety ridden. Countless thoughts raced through our brain at night, keeping us from getting any sleep. After a couple of months in treatment, seeing Doc, we began to feel comfortable, let our guard down, a bit. We found him to be extremely intelligent, kind, warm, in attunement with our needs, plus he has this corny sense of humor...he is a wonderful Therapist. <--------- See all of these incredible things I have said about Doc? All of it could be mis-construed as "transference". In other words, the Doc may hear me say...I look forward to seeing you every week.....but in his head he could be thinking.....this patient is becoming emotionally dependent upon me and I have to nip it in the bud now. If the Dr. is getting this vibe (and I am not infering Doc is), then by all means, he and the patient must set rules and have a conversation about "transference". But, hey, not at the very end of the session, with no time to process any of it! That's...excuse me...Bullshit!

What also exists is "counter-transference". Ah ha! Therapy, when you and the Dr. have a good emotionally working relationship, is a blessing and will eventually help to heal the wounds. I consider Doc a friend, not a social friend, but a friend. Something you may not know about patients in therapy. They have questions. Is Doc married? Does he have a significant Other? Does he lead a happy life? I have been in and out of Therapy for many years, and I know there is a non-verbalized rule....You do not ask your Therapist personal questions! However, if your Therapist volunteers bits and pieces of their private life to you, then you may be looking at "counter-transference". If the patient is having any transference issues not yet known to the Dr., these tiny bits and pieces can potentially be devastating, and ruin the relationship between the two. But I ask you, is it possible to be treated by a Therapist for long period of time and NOT have these types of questions? I say, hell no! It's only human nature to want to know something about the person you spend an hour a week with, the person to whom you spill all your stuff. It's seems a little unfair.....doesn't it? Well, slap yourself on the head if you said yes, it is unfair! "WE" came to this man for help. He is helping "us" rebuild our life and become as one. "WE" are not an easy group! "WE" have no business wanting to know anything about his personal life. "Transference is not easy to understand. You should hear Freud's definition....yowza! There are many takes on "transference" even in the Mental Health World. I guess the way to explain how I feel about it, is this........."No we are NOT going to have sex, but yes, I care about you a great deal." The connection between Dr. and patient must be nourished, or it will wither and die, a painful and sad death.

Peace!
Susannah~~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".