"Borrowed From Real Gal - With Permission"

A new Friend, also a Blogger, gave me permission to copy some things from her Blog. The following list has been modified to fit "our" choices. Thank you, my friend!

"Childhood Choices"


We were forced to make choices in early childhood, which were appropriate then, but are not appropriate now, and yet they continue to govern our experience of life at an unconscious level. It would be wise to review those choices made in childhood.

Here is a list of choices typically made when we were very young. Can you identify the choices you made and the consequences that you might still be living with because of these early choices?



I choose to repress the feeling of hurt because it is too much to bear.

I choose to repress the feeling of anger because of a fear of punishment.

I choose to protect my heart, by shutting down to love.

I choose to give up asking for what I want, because I believe I won't get it.

I choose to disconnect from my needs, because I believe they will not be met.

I choose to hide myself from others, because I am afraid of their judgment or disapproval.

I choose not to speak out because no one listens.

I choose to blame myself for all that has happened as a way of avoiding the truth that I was unloved.

I choose to live with denial rather than remember and release myself from the past.

I choose not to be a victim in the hope that someone will see me as real.

I choose to avoid trying because of the fear of failure.

I choose not to judge others hoping they will not judge me.

I choose to give up my power, rather than take it back.

I choose to not acknowledge others, because I feel unacknowledged.

I choose to attend to others because I need to be attended to.

I choose to be in my mind because I am seeking a solution there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am seeking to escape there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am hoping to find lost memories there.

I choose to please or take care of others as a way of being accepted or included.

I chose to energetically withdraw as a way of protecting myself from being hurt.

I choose to be angry or aggressive as a way of gaining control.

I choose to seek attention, acknowledgement and recognition as a substitute for love and acceptance.

---

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Alters"

I accept that I have "alters". I thank and appreciate them. They took on the pain and protected me. But....it is still all so confusing to me. Where did their names come from? Must all "alters" have names? Do "alters" remain the same age as when they came to be? Are all "alters" of the same sex? Why do some "alters" speak about the suffering they experienced when other "alters" keep their memories locked up? What happened to "me", am I still here? Am I "The Woman" who takes us to Therapy? Do the "alters" believe they are real? Oh wow, that question just started a full blown attack on my brain! Let me put it another way. Do the "alters" remain forever.... oh ouch......that's not working either........
Let's see if we can work this out.
When the Incest was perpetrated, an "alter" was born to protect who....me? Am I the 'core'? I understand that we all live in this one body. I just can't wrap my brain around the conception of the "alters" and how it relates to me....in a physical sense. Are you confused....because I am!

it was me, melinda1.

Time for a Poem.

"MIRROR"

When I look into a mirror
It's not me I always see.

Sometimes it's a grown up Lady
Looking back at me.

Most of the time she's crying
I don't know what to say

So I give her a little push
And I come out to play.

I like to swing or color
Or write poems, just like this

Or hide things from the "others"
And laugh when they are missed.

The times when I am so afraid
I'll lose myself, as me

I look into the Mirror
And no face is there to see.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Testing My Limits"

Because we have such a difficult time speaking up in Therapy, we decided to "try" to have a conversation amongst ourselves........in a post. We have them in our head, so why not here and in Therapy?

"Will you, speak up in Therapy next week?

"Who ya talkin to?"

"All of you!"

"Depends...on the subject"

"about what?"

"ya want i shuld try...."

"Ya want a dog and pony show?"

"not redy to talk."

"We could talk about the Church". +

"not talkn about nothn."

"Hey I'll talk, in fact I will talk the entire session." ~~

"I'm too embarassed to talk."

"I'm too ashamed to talk."

"im afeared i won't be believed."

"im pretty stupd...i dohnt thnek i shud talk."

"i can't talk....i'm too young."

"just don't talk about the memories painted in black..not yet."

OK then...looks as if some of "us" will talk next session...you will be held accountable...ok......
k
k
nah
nah
nah
nah
k
k
k
giggle
cry

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Suffocation"

While browsing the web, I found a list (pertaining to incest) of "triggers" that can cause "switching" of alters. One "trigger" on the list was the feeling of suffocation. This immediately brought back a memory!

When I was 6, maybe 7 years old, I began to have an irrational fear of water on my face. I had very long hair and of course, Mother insisted on washing it every other day. I remember holding a wash cloth over my face, I guess to keep the water away. One hair washing day, it was like BAM! I could not breathe! I hear the screams of that little girl, as she struggled to get away from Mother. I hear the panting and gasping of the suffocation. I "feel" how her little heart pounded, I "feel" her fear coursing through her small body. It just came out of nowhere and continued for months! The Mother, unable to handle the little girl, began sending her to a Great Aunt to have her hair washed. The Great Aunt was a strict and very mean woman! She had no compassion for the little girl and even held her head under the water when the little girl struggled and cried. It was pure TERROR! Following soon after, the little girl could not tolerate anything being taken off over her head...like a T-shirt. She felt she would die! Her breathe literally being closed off! During this same period, things began to appear bigger than they actually were...such as the refrigerator...it seemed to loom to the ceiling of the Haunted House. People seemed to move away from the little girl, in slow motion, growing smaller and smaller. She felt isolated, alone and dying. She was fearful of everything. I remember that now. How terribly horrible for her! No one cared. No one offered comfort or hugged her. All she was given was punishment for being such a rotten brat of a girl. How did she survive? How could she go on living in so much fear? The "others" saved her. They took her place, allowing her to totally blank out and become numb.

"Seeing From Above"

Have you ever looked down from somewhere above and saw yourself?
I have.
Have you ever looked at your hands and they were not yours?
I have.
Have you ever looked in a mirror and the face looking back is not yours?
I have.
Have you ever heard voices whispering in your ear?
I have.
Have you ever been unable to sleep because of all the conversations in your head?
I have.
Have you ever felt so different from everyone around you, that you want to disappear?
I have.
Have you ever felt blamed for every wrong thing that happens?
I have.
Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself, to make yourself feel real?
I have.
Have you ever stood on a train track and then jumped off, just at the last minute?
I have.
Have you ever prayed to die?
I have.
I have.
I have.
I have.

MElinda - grades 1 through 6 ~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Totally Exhausted"

Nuff said!






"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Aint No One Goin No Wheres"!!!!!!

WTF! Okay, so we had a crummy session.....aint no big deal. What is a big deal is that post right under me! Oh no...we aint never taken the easy way out of anything and we sure as hell are not gong to now! Everyone...listen up! Do you want that bastard pedophile to win? Do you want the Mother to win? Do you want to throw down in defeat? I sure as hell don't! I will stop you! I promise you that...I will stop you! I'll call Doc! All of you know what that means....imprisoned in the Nut House.....again. Nope, aint gonna let you do nothing like that to this body that I live in. What about the little ones? You want to doom them to hell? They don't deserve any more hell than they have already had. I hid the pills! Oh yes I did! You will get one per night and I will be the one to hand them out. Now Emma Grace would like all of us to pray.

Dear God release us, your children, from the tortured memories, painted in black. Open our minds, allow us to speak, help us to heal. We ask this, in the name of your son, Jesus.
Emma Grace+

OK everyone take a deep breathe, relax..... now that's better. We will be OK. I promise all of you, we will be OK.
Peace
Susannah~


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".

"Back From Another Session" - Plan in the Works

We are back from another session with Doc. For whatever reason, we feel today was counter productive. We feel....hopeless.

We presented him with our posts from this week. We asked that he read just the Post about Transference (for now), written by Susannah. While we sat there watching him read, we all started nagging The Woman. "I want to talk today!" " No you talked last week!" "Well I have something important to tell Doc!" "Your stuff is no more important than mine!" We were relentless. After Doc completed reading, he apologized for upsetting everyone last week, explaining it was not his intention to do so. By the time he was finished apologizing, giving us examples of Transference, relating a story about a colleague, who had gotten "involved" with a former patient....well NO ONE wanted to talk! We looked at him, he looked at us......long silence.....then bless her heart Susannah spoke up. She spoke of our current situation and marital status, cussed quite a bit...then she went back to the chambers. I barely remember getting through the rest of the session. In my opinion, this is not working. Once again we have the feeling, Doc is expecting MORE from us, than we know how to give. We don't mean to place any blame here. We can not get it out of our head, that we are expected to "act" in some particular way and are not meeting the expectation! WTF! So we took off and went to the chambers, leaving The Woman, sitting there, not knowing what to do! Perhaps, we should just stop wasting every one's time and just stop Therapy. We muddled through years without it. Yeah sure, our lives were always in turmoil, many blank spaces in memory, losing time...but that is still going on now...so what is the point in going back? If it would only rain! We feel so comforted, when it rains. We just want to sleep...forever. We know a way to do that...and it would sure be forever! We could stop all of this confusion once and for all. But then what about the "little ones", the innocents living in the chambers. We don't want to hurt them. They have endured enough pain. Well, we could do it with pills! Then everyone would just go to sleep and there would be no pain. You are so right! Pills would be THE way! First we have to have a plan. We don't want that guy coming home and finding us in time to help us. Hell, no! Then we would end up in the Nut House and no one wants that...ever again. We feel so depressed and so hopeless. There is no other solution! We tried working on our issues....but to no avail. We can't please anyone...not even ourselves. Ending it is the only way...........

Sarah~ and "others"

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".