"Grieving the Loss of a Child"

Today is my son's Birthday.

There will be no Birthday Party with a cake, candles and balloons. Ryan is in heaven with God.

The loss of a child is devastating. The pain never goes away, no matter how many years go by. He is the only child I ever had or will ever have. Along with the pain, I convinced myself it was my fault. I had been abused as a child. The statistics blatantly reveal, abused children have a higher instance of becoming abusers. I honestly believed for many years, that is why Ryan was taken from me....to protect him. I've come to realize, through therapy, there is no potential in me to abuse a child. I can say, with all honesty, I have never even hit a child. I treat all children with respect and love, the way they deserve to be treated. The following is my Birthday Present to my son, Ryan Christopher.

"Was He Really Here"

I see you in the shadows of my mind,
I hear you in the soft breeze of a summer's day.

I feel you in that special place in my heart,
I know that you are with me.

You brought me joy, more than I have ever known,
If even for a short time, it was breath-taking.

Your smile, so sweet and innocent,
I will remember for all time.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Angel,
Mommy's love for you is for all eternity.

Mommy~~~~

"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".