"Old Tapes" - Running In Our Head

Anyone who has been in Therapy has been directed to "get rid of the old negative tapes running in your head". Much easier said than done when you have "multiples".

We have attended a Cognitive Therapy Group. We kept the daily chart of negative thoughts that run through our brain every day. We attempted to turn those thoughts around and make them positive. Each and every time, we fall back, we hear the negativity's placed on us, as children.

"you are bad" - we feel bad and responsible for what has happened to us
"you are just like your Father" - we feel crazy, just like he was
"you are fat" - we became anorexic
"you are stupid" - we feel worthless
"it's all your fault" - we blame ourselves for everything
"you made your Grandfather cry" - we are hateful creatures

*** Our Grandfather gave us a horrible beating with a wooden paddle. It left us with welts, that remained for days. After the beating, we ran to our room, sobbing. After a while, Mother came in. She said..."hope you are happy, you made your Grandfather cry!"

"you like it...and it's our special GAME" - we made the sexual abuse continue
"it's your fault your sister has no friends" - we feel guilty
"stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" - we feel so much fear
"people are looking at you, miss ugly" - we isolated
"behave or go live with you Father" - we dissociated
"you are useless" - we became invisible
"do what I tell you, you bitch" - we became a door mat
"God will punish you" - we lost our connection to God

A Poem: "Pictures"

There's a picture of me
at the age of 3
The dark eyes are haunted
and stare eerily.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 9
That seductive pose
can not be mine.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 16
Poised and Perfect
as the Christmas Queen.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 21
Who is that person
pretending to have fun.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 25
Appearing drunk and drugged
and not alive.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 29
Too many losses
no sparkle, no shine.

There's a picture of me
at the age of 34
Now I see the "others"
more and more.

There's a picture of me
with more than one head
Is it the beginning or the end
am I alive or am I dead.

MElinda1
MElinda - grades 1-6
Sarah~~
Susannah~~~


"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".