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Just have not felt good since "T" last week. Still no energy, still depressed and tummy sick. Don't feel like eating. What is it about emotions, which suddenly rise up from the past? Crying should be cleansing..right? Not so for us. Everyday is a struggle to just "be". Put on one mask for company, another for the husband, yet another to go out in public...so tired of it all. Feel like giving up...just leave everything in the past...tired of working so hard, just to feel so bad. Want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Mother called this morning. Complain, complain, complain....tired of being the "sounding board" for her. Yet, feel sorry for her too. Now head aches so much. Can't deal with this. Always put into situations, no forced into situations that are so difficult.
"MASKS"
An array of masks before me,
which one shall I choose?
To get through, yet, another day
what if I refuse?
I want to wear my own face,
but which is truly mine?
What if I wear the wrong one
and cross that fateful line?
Some are sad and lined with age,
still others wear much fear,
Who do they belong to
will it ever become clear?
Others are so child like
do they belong to me?
Will I ever find the right one
and feel that I am free.......
MElinda - grades 1 thru 6
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
All day, I have been remembering time spent with my Mother. There is not much I can remember from childhood. We had no family vacations. I so want this post to be kind and a tribute to the good there is in my Mother. So here goes.....
My Mother, smiles and her entire being changes, it becomes radiant. My Mother is beautiful. She still gets compliments from men on how wonderful she looks. My Mother is strong. She has survived a bitter and fearful divorce, the loss of her parents within a year of one another and the loss of her eldest son. My Mother is witty and funny. My Mother is loyal to her family and her friends. My Mother is a Christian and goes to Mass always. My Mother has taught me survival, in her own way.
OK have to stop...too much talking in my head.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you.....and to you, as well, Steve....**grin**.
Rainbow
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
In support of "Stopping Domestic Violence Day", I have chosen to write a Poem. I am a Survivor of Domestic Abuse. My first husband was the abuser.
"Sorry"
Tender skin, broken and bleeding,
eyes swollen from the tears.
Locked in a closet
no way to get out.
Listening to the ranting
hearing the sound of my treasures being broken.
Believing the words
you are worthless, you deserve to die.
Wiping his spit from my face,
feeling the pain from his fists.
Helpless and hopeless
no where to go.
All friends have left
family unaware.
Waiting for the next time
bracing for the pain.
The door opens,
I'm sorry, he says....it will never happen again and again and again..........
"Sueann"
Abuse, physical and emotional is never a one time thing. It will go on, until there is irreversible damage or death. Leave! Tell someone! Get help.
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
We have been working so hard to gain understanding of "our" condition. Yet, at times, like right now, we feel we are losing, instead of reaching that point of knowledge. It's not exactly the concept of 'splitting' that gets in our way, it's more the internal communication bringing us down. Since yesterday, we feel physically ill, beaten down and unable to manage daily chores. Our head aches, our tummy is queasy and we have no energy. Last night we were unable to sleep. Sounds of whispering and crying would not allow us to sleep. If the parts of me want to communicate, why don't they just do so? We know we live in one body, but are still separate entities. Why can't we just share our memories, our thoughts? In "T" we learned when an alter is ready (meaning without fear) their memories will be shared. When? How long does this process take? Why do we sit in "T" and hide behind "The Woman"? We trust and respect our Doc, so what stands in the way of speaking up? Why do we feel embarrassment? Why do we feel shame? Are we "stuck" in still thinking everything that happened was "our" fault? Nothing feels right. Nothing feels real.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Just returned from "T". Am so exhausted. Cried so much, sobbed even...poor Melinda grades 1-6. Had to pull over so she could throw up, on the drive home. She is asleep in the chamber, unable to speak, so I will write her thoughts about today. She hurt all over. She wanted to die. She was embarrassed to cry in front of Doc. She wanted to run and hide, did not want anyone to look at her. She misses her Gram soooo much. She wonders what it may be like to be dead. She could not speak, only cry. She does not understand why she was beaten and molested. She can find no reason why she was born. She is afraid...so afraid the memories will surface and all of it will be her fault. She did not get to tell Doc that she colored while at "the Mother's". She colored out of the lines and was terrified someone would see. She does not feel safe in her world. She needs.....something....but she does not know what that "something" might be. She feels empty and lost. She will be kept safe in the Chamber.
Susannah~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Thank you, Barbra for being honest and helping "us" sort things out. We want to get to know you! Come be our friend.....when you are ready! Hugs to you!
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
First I want to thank everyone for stopping by while I was away. It was wonderful to come home to supportive comments!
Well we survived another visit with "the Mother". We did fairly well, although there were some creepy moments. We worked very hard and managed to get all the Spring cleaning finished. We also shopped with "the Mother" for new drapes for her living room. That went fine. Then...."the Mother" wanted to shop for clothes. (internally, utter chaos prevailed) Thoughts of our childhood shopping with "the Mother" surfaced for some, accompanied by fear, self-loathing and sadness. While "others" longed to insult her, as she tried on clothes after clothes after clothes. Still "others" were very agitated because they did not get to shop, it was all about "the Mother". And "one" watched in utter rage as "the Mother" disregarded "every one's" feelings! We left the store with a book, no clothing.
"We" took "the Mother" on a little cruise around town. We wanted to see her reaction to some areas we remember as painful and even terrifying. Our last drive by was the "Haunted House". No one can even imagine the Courage it took from all of "us" to accomplish this. The "Haunted House" has changed. It's a different color, the large porch, where the swing hung, was gone, the berry bush, also gone but the windows......appeared as huge eyes watching "us", remembering "us" and they seemed to be crying, as the relentless rain fell. We are over-whelmed with emotion and must stop writing for now. Hugs to all!
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
