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Have you ever felt as if you were invisible?
Countless times in my life, I have been in a small crowd of women, all talking, laughing, conversing about life in general. All seems to be going along just great, until I try to add to the conversation. Apparently, I become invisible. They go on talking, as if I have never said a word. No one glances my way. So I wait for another opportunity, another subject, perhaps one that I feel my comments would be appreciated. All to no avail, I am ignored and I am so very hurt. Immediately, I begin worrying that "someone" has come "out" and said something totally alien to the subject at hand. Eventually, I just stop making any attempts to be in the conversation. This has been happening to me since I was a child. Now I know I am not the most intelligent, or interesting, or humorous woman in the world. But I am here! I am not invisible! I gave up years ago trying to come to some plausible explanation as to why this happens. However, that does not mean it no longer hurts....because it does, so much so, that I attribute these incidents as being part of my Agoraphobia.
At this point in my life, I am on-line....a lot! I belong to a group, and we are all friends, although we have never met. It's a forum, open to any and all conversations. Someone will post, then another will add their comments to that post and it then becomes a conversation. Once again, I become invisible! Why???? Today, I posted, in a loving gesture, to someone who has just lost a loved one.....nothing.....no thank you....nothing. Right after me, someone else writes a post and immediately that post is acknowledged! No, I am not paranoid, this is happening. No, I am not invisible, I am here! More importantly, I can read what I have posted, and it is relevant to the subject, which reassures me that "someone" else has not come "out" and written something off subject. Therefore, I am being ignored...but why? I blame myself, of course, that is what comes natural to me. I begin to question myself...what have I done wrong? Am I weird? Am I unlikeable? Have I ever been, well mean to this person? Did something happen between us of which I have no memory? I can tell you this. I have had it! I am completely finished with this particular person. I will never post or relate to her in any way again.
My conclusion.....I AM NOT INVISIBLE!
Susannah~~
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Very little sleep last night.
The sleep we did have was filled with nightmares. This morning we feel tired, worn out.
We are gearing up to go to the grocery store. Going out is always a battle. Have you ever had to make a decision, and one part of you believes the decision you have made is a good one, a healthy one? Then suddenly you have this "gut" feeling, that perhaps you made the wrong decision? Well, take that "gut" feeling, and multiply it by many. That is what we feel every single day. Learning to "trust" our decisions, even the very small ones, is so very difficult. We have, not just one voice, but many, to consider. We must find that "middle of the road" to satisfy everyone. Once a decision is agreed upon, the physical action of proceeding is put off, for fear it still may be the wrong decision. If this all sounds confusing to you, imagine, if you can, the turmoil we feel inside.
Agoraphobia reigns this morning. Just the thought of entering the Grocery Store is so frightening! All those strangers! Even though we have a list of what we need, we know we will come home with items we don't need and items we have no memory of buying.
We will let you know the outcome of today's "outing".
"us"
P.S. - we survived our outing. we ignored the "stares", imagined or not. we sort of kept to the store note we took with us.....but where did those cookies come from?
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
When a person (or persons) are having feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness....etc. Validation of these feelings, by another, is paramount!
In our case, our feelings were never validated, as children or as adults. We were always told how we "should" feel or told "no you do not feel that way", or "you feel that way because you are bad". We know we are difficult....we know we can be exasperating, frustrating and just a pain in the arse. One thing we do not do...is feel sorry for ourselves. It may appear that we do, in our writings, but, no we do not. We are very much aware of the many others. in life, who are struggling, emotionally, financially, physically...etc. Emotional struggles can be and are (in our case) debilitating! If our feelings (when we are lucky enough to even have a feeling) are pushed aside and we are told to "get over it"...."move on"...."the past is the past"....it smacks us right back into our childhood! As a result, our feelings shut down! We are needy...yes, at times, too needy, we know this. We are desperately trying to make sense of what happened to us. We need validation from those close to us, that what we are feeling is real, unselfish, and accepted.
We understand that if you have not "walked in our shoes", you can not possibly understand. All we ask is that you accept "us" and love "us".....as we are.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
We are so very depressed today. Feels like everything is hopeless. We don't want to face another day. All joy is gone. All interests are lost. No one understands. Our head aches. We are tired. We are in tears and we don't know why. We don't want this fight anymore. We are too weak. Just breathing is difficult. Our arms are leaden, our feet won't move. We feel unloved and forgotten. We just want to go back to bed and sleep...sleep forever.......................
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Funny we wrote Emotions in our title. The majority of the time, we can not define what emotions we are feeling....they seem frazzled.
Emotions can be difficult for victims (it is so hard for us to write that word) of Child Abuse. We have a really hard time knowing what to feel or how to feel or when to feel. We have been told to keep secrets, it's just a game and it feels good. We lose our right to own our Emotions. They are taken away from us, by our abusers. Children of Abuse, are forced to grow up early, and they hold their emotions deep inside. Children being abused, learn to hold their emotions inside for fear of being further abused. So now we are adults. Do we know what emotions we are feeling?
In "T", we are asked...what are you feeling....how does that make you feel? Our answer....we don't know. How do we get back in touch with our feelings? How do we find those long buried emotions and bring them back and "feel" them? How can we look at a picture of ourselves, as a 4 year old, and not feel.....anything for that poor little abused child? Many times, an abused Child, after being severely beaten or molested, will then be comforted by the abuser. How confusing this is to a small child. How tormented their thoughts! They learn to equate abuse and violence with love. They know only what they live. We are crippled emotionally. For an Adult Survivor, trust becomes an issue in every facet of our lives! We trusted, as children, we were painfully hurt and always in anguish. We blamed ourselves, of course. So we go on blaming ourselves for every failed relationship, for every time we lose a job, for everything that turns bad in our lives. We must find our Power, take it back and become strong! Much, much easier said than done.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Our anger is out of control!
Every little thing is causing us to spin out of control in anger. Repressed Anger, such as ours, comes out side-ways and sometimes directed at someone near to us. Other times we direct it inward at ourselves. We are so frustrated! We want the anger to stop, the outbursts to stop! We must find a safe and healthy way to release our anger. We have searched the net but can not find anything that "fits" us. Long time ago, we read "The Dance of Anger", but now can not find the book anywhere in the house! We are also missing our Photo Album, all the pictures of us in grade school and pictures of our Grandparents...this saddens us.
We are angry because our life was damaged by abuse.
We are angry because we feel inferior.
We are angry because we feel hopeless.
We are angry because we do not have a family to support us, during this Journey.
We are angry because we are, once again, "stuck" in a bad relationship.
We are angry because it is our fault we are stuck in this relationship.
We are angry because we can tell no one close to us what is happening to us.
We are angry because we are so different than others around us.
We are angry because because our friend will not believe we have a Mental Disorder.
We are angry because we feel so over-whelmed all the time.
We are angry because we can not control our anger.
We are angry because we have no life.
We are angry because we want to hurt ourselves.
We are angry because we can not sleep.
We are angry because we have lost our connection to God.
WE ARE ANGRY.........................
"US"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
It went pretty good today...actually. Well, no one came "out" and talked....but relayed their information through The Woman...but Doc says that is okay. When "they" are ready to come "out" they will.........
We mentioned in one of our posts about "alters" having names and wondered where they came from. We posed this question to Doc today in "T". His explanation was....his explanation. I still have no clue how these names come about.
OK....Sarah wants to say she "did" come out today and shook Doc's hand...sorry Sarah!
We talked of our recent memories and the horror of seeing my poor friend physically abused. Doc was just as angry as we are about no one helping that poor man! BUT he suggested that we turn some of that compassion inward. We should try to listen to each alters story of what happened to them. That is the only way we will ever have the complete story of our lives. So true, yet so difficult. It's one thing to hear everyone talk at once, but to try to isolate just one story and have everyone listen.....is that even possible? Maybe we are not at that point on our Journey, just yet.
We had another "blurry" day today. Doc looked blurry, and far away from us. That is always very fearful for us. The blurry always happened before something "sick" happened to us. But we see now that it is also a coping mechanism...or perhaps avoidance...during "T".
We came home. Learned one of our very dear friends has been diagnosed with Lupus and suspicion of Leukemia. She has survived Breast Cancer, 2 Heart Attacks, Blood Clots...and now she must fight again! We feel very sad. We must stay positive for her....she needs us.
"us"
"The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and although we repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated. our perceptions confused and our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth".
Have you ever felt as if you were invisible?
